Guilt...

What a topic! I think it is safe to say that I could write about this subject forever but i'll try to keep it to a short snippet for both my sanity and yours!!

When I put the word guilt into a well known search engine these are the answers I got:

1.) The state of having committed an offense
2.) Remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense
3.) Responsibility for wrongdoing
4.) A term denoting an unpleasant feeling associated with unfulfilled wishes.
5.) Guilt is a higher form of development than shame. Guilt has an internal punitive
voice which operates at the level superego (an internalized punitive harsh
parental figure). There are two kinds of guilt: Valid guilt and invalid guilt.

This in itself is a very long list of different ideas but there is one concurrent theme running through all five and that is wrongdoing...or to put a Christian slant on it...SIN! And all mention the 'unpleasant' feeling associated with guilt.

First point...I'm not sure the word unpleasant really even begins to cover it - my experience of guilt is that it can become all consuming, it is not merely unpleasant - it is an ominous feeling of dread and the knowledge that you are soiled and unclean. My guilt makes me want to scrub my body from the inside out with bleach.

Second point...according to these definitions (apart from number 4, which i will return to in one moment.) guilt is directly linked with a person doing something wrong. So that would mean that all the guilt I feel is because of my action. That makes sense to me - for it is only if you agree to something that you can do it...but surely that is not true of everything. For instance, the people forced to kill their family in the Rwandan atrocities of 1993 - they may have felt guilty but can they really own it? The truth is that as awful as it must have been for both the family shot and the one shooting (I cannot even begin to imagine)the person was forced into the action by another more powerful, so it isn't really their guilt to own. And yet we do. On the other hand, you might argue that just because you are coerced into something that you are not at least at fault a little bit? If you didn't allow it, then surely it wouldn't have happened at all? What a confusing matter...I would say that the people of the example were acting selflessly for the love of their families.

Third point...Returning to definition 4. 'Unfulfilled wishes' Surely not winning the lottery isn't included in this so it must mean wishes that start with 'I wish I hadn't...' Or 'If only I had...' Which illustrates the most frustrating thing about guilt. Once it is there, it seems to be there forever, like soil building layer upon layer until the original guilt is merely a small thing in comparison to the whole. I have found that I may for a fleeting second feel the guilt lifting but I find this more painful because when it comes back (and it always does), it crushes me with despair and then I feel guilty for thinking for a moment that certain actions were not my fault!! It is a vicious circle.

Fourth point...drawing from the last quote, 5, 'Valid guilt and Invalid guilt' ???? what on earth does this mean? And more importantly, how can we tell whether guilt is valid or not? Surely that is just giving us a loophole in order to appease ourselves. If there is an excuse, we as humans will find it and use it.

I have no answers to these questions really...except I guess that God has to be the ultimate judge on the valid and invalid issue, but that doesn't really help in the mean time with the incapacitating feeling that I should have done something differently, or worse...I was the one that caused it. So back to prayer again, I'm not sure I have any words left or that I have any energy. I want to just return to the bank queue of constant manageable feelings where I don't have to deal with all of this............at the minute that feels like all I can do.............but then I will waste all of the 'progress' I am told I am making.............

I'll have confusion with a side order of guilt please...oh......and make sure you supersize that.

Hard Times...

In the tradition of being totally truthful on my blog, if not in real life, I feel that I need to explain something to release it from my head.

Further to my previous blogs on 'voices' there is one statement that I am constantly hearing in my head...at the most inopportune times (driving, teaching, falling to sleep) and it is the statement 'I have had enough of life'. Now this statement makes me a little apprehensive for two reasons...

The first is that it can occur at any time and more to the point, when I am feeling alright. I can be plodding along and I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness and the feeling that I have just had enough. I am not suicidal and would never consider that as an action but it is really overwhelming at times and has made me catch my breath with the intensity of it.

The second reason is that the statement is often accompanied with images that I would rather forget and it takes me away from the reality in which I am and takes me to the past where I am bound. It scares me that I am able to be so out of control with my mind and so governed by something else. I feel like my body is being taken over again and for this reason I feel like I am ceasing to exist.

Apologies for the depressing nature of this post...but sometimes the truth is depressing. I will have to hand it all to God.

The World/the Devil strikes again!!

My Church is considering buying a building as we currently meet in a school and feel that we need to be more visible in our community. In order to do this we as a congregation are having to make big steps in faith as we do not have the monetary resources at the moment. For this reason we are having a gift day at Church where we are going to give our money to God's purposes for us in our area. So far so good...I fully support this - the Church is the people and if we want to see God's love and salvation spreading we have to make some sacrifices, be that time, effort or money. Here comes the issue...

I have been praying to God to ask what He wants me to do, to ask what amount He thinks is possible for me to give away (even if I am not sure that it is - I have decided to trust Him). We had settled on an amount, having looked at my finances etc...and all was good. Until I started to feel that the world was playing against me and trying to make it as hard as possible to give that amount. Since deciding the figure I have had a very minor car prang (there's £100 excess straight away), then my glasses were broken at work (looking at around £50 in the least to be repaired)...followed by my watch falling off my wrist somewhere between my home and Dudley!! Add to this Car Tax and saving for my new place...this giving thing is starting to be hard!!

I caught myself thinking, 'well, maybe I can halve the money that I was going to give, as I have had so many things pulling on the purse strings lately...'
What a dangerous path to go down! That is the path of the devil, of idolatry (money is more important) and simply not God's path for me (I also think that it is a little rude of me to have these long conversations with God, take up His time and then flat out ignore His advice!)So I stopped my wanderings down that way and turned back to God.

He alone knows what is good for me, and yes, the giving will now be a little more sacrificial than first thought but that's the point...going for God isn't easy, or else everyone would do it without a need to address the real issues in their lives and it's not that I think my faith means my life has to be hard or I am not a good Christian...certainly not, that's not what God is about. It's simply that I know that there is little point in storing up earthly goods - as the Bible says, the moths will have them!

In reality, I live a blessed life, I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my stomach and a soul that has been reclaimed by the Father...the money that I will be giving away is 'disposable income' - rather than dispose of it in worldly things where the economy just looks rocky, I would much prefer to give into the Kingdom of God...not because God tells me I have to, but simply because I want to.

All that said though - the Enemy is a tricky little dude...thank goodness I am now starting to see how little he is compared to God.

The voice that I do not have...to little me

My decision...finally...for real...no turning back...hmmm

An interesting video...(one major flaw)

I was looking on YouTube, as you do, and came across this video made by a guy who is clearly an atheist.

He has gone through his arguments systematically, logically and stated why God DEFINITELY does not exist...however, although I appreciate a good debate and like to hear all sides of an argument, I do not have much time for people who pull apart other beliefs when their argument has a clear major flaw!!

The main problem I have with this video is the presumption that God is made of matter - that in order to exist He has to be made of something that we can tangible touch and experience physically.

'Existence is a relatively simple concept -- it is defined as that which consists of either matter or energy. Therefore if a god exists, it must be composed of either matter or energy.' (!!)

This is such a leap in argument and is only in the first two sentences! He is saying that if God is to exist He has to be made of something that we understand to be the building blocks of creation...fine, if God was part of the creation and not the CREATOR! I find that this, as a sentence, is incredibly egotistical; the idea that because we cannot conceive of something above and beyond humanity - then it cannot be real!

'If a god exists, then physical evidence is really the only methodology by which we can ascertain that a god exists. Of course, this does not require direct physical evidence...

Evidence is defined as that which impacts our physical senses in some manner, either directly, or through some translating device such as a spectrograph or an oscilloscope.'

This statement when viewed together is completely contradictory...the author states that physical evidence is needed to PROVE God exists and then says that direct physical evidence isn't needed as proof of existence... he uses the idea of blackholes that he knows to exist although he has never seen them(!!) because of their effect or impact upon matter. Hmmmmm...I am trying not to come over as sarcastic and am failing miserably...surely his belief that blackholes exist has to be taken, in part, on faith, as he has never seen one for himself and yet he states it like they are fact and cannot be disproven. To further back up his claim he then defines evidence...'that which impacts out physical senses in some manner'...HOLD UP!!

Why then are the healings that people have experienced and WITNESSED and the sensory perception of God's presence not in themselves evidence by this definition? It certainly seems to me that they could be. In my limited experience, the presence of God has many impacts upon someone's physical state, they are overcome and feel Him! That seems to me to show that God is able to affect matter by His presence and His 'energy'.

As the author states, we do indeed determine the existence and non-existence of things through the evidence of our senses, this is the only way we can after all. So I think that it is a little unfair for the author (referring to God) to then go on to say,

'If I argue that something exists, but then claim there is no way to detect it, my argument contradicts itself'

Christianity does not say that there is no way to detect God, for God is always present, we are able to feel Him and experience Him through prayer, through asking Him into our lives and troubles and through the Holy Spirit.

'If a god exists, then sensual evidence of some sort is required to determine the existence of that god. If a god is not made up of matter or energy, then that god does not exist, since that which is not composed of matter or energy -- does not exist.'

Here is the major flaw in the argument...to think of God within our own meager experience, within human terms is to miss the majesty of the creator completely. Of course we try to understand God on our own terms...referring to 'Him', His 'hands' working the potter's wheel, His 'eyes' as a way of showing that He sees and is aware of us...none of these things really mean that He looks like a human and is in fact a being in any sense that we have seen or understood before. It is merely our very basic way of trying to understand that which is in part inconceivable and would remain so if not for experiencing God!

Overall, there is much to say about this author and I could go on... but I will finish here and state instead that although he believes that he has offered a tight, logical argument for the non-existence of God, he has in fact produced a weak one because of the major flaw of believing that God is anything but the awesome, higher lifeforce that He is. Instead, trying to belittle Him by confining Him to our own very narrow understanding of creation from a human point of view proves nothing except that the author is too caught up in his own self importance, unable to think that something could be 'above' him.

Despite the last post...

I now actually think I may be going mad.

Further to the topic I discussed in the last post, it may be because I have actually focused on what I am hearing instead of ignoring it, or maybe I am just not a nice person...

For a few weeks now I have had the almost overwhelming urge to shout obscenities aloud at myself - not others - to tell the voices from the past and now of the present, to just remove themselves (the less polite version.) It is strange because it comes from nowhere - I can be driving, thinking of my day, what I need to do, all the mundane things that a person might think about and suddenly I will be shouting obscenities at myself and the voice that hasn't even been allowed to speak. I find myself just wishing that I could leave my head and my body for a while - just float free, away from this fight.

The more scary thing for me at the moment is something that has only happened a couple of times and although it has been only a thought and would never be an action, it's really bothering me. I have found myself thinking really very unkind things about people I see (and don't know) and imagining how much I could hurt them by saying it to them. I have found myself wanting to make these strangers HURT, really hurt. I want them to feel the pain that I will not let myself feel. I am disgusted with myself for these thoughts and the only thing that it seems to prove to me is that I am not a nice person, and the statements about me that I am hearing seem to be more truth than fiction.

So I have consequently spent much of my time in prayer asking for forgiveness, but then I am now at the point of thinking that if I keep asking for forgiveness and then the thoughts continue to pop into my head then God has to at some point consider me to be insincere, when I really am not.

This post doesn't make any sense - sorry I just need to put these thoughts out there so that they are not just in my head...

Voices in my head...

I'm not mad - I promise...well at least I don't think I'm mental. Recently, I have been having a tough time, more so than I ever have before, mainly because I have never allowed myself to get this far down the road less traveled. Life is good, many positive things are afoot and I am making progress in many areas of life, but equally life is very hard and sometimes feels like it is too hard to face. It is times like this that I am thankful for my job which means I have to get out of bed and thankful for friends and family that spend time with me (even though they don't know how much I need it at the moment.) Sorry to be blunt but you need all of this 'heart-warming' information so that the next bit makes a little more sense.

I have heard much said about the enemy; the devil, and how he tries to put you off your path with God and lives, in order that you will not. And up to a point I thought it was a little sci-fi until now. At church, people have prayed with me at various times and in their prayers they have asked God to protect me from the devil and the voices that are speaking lies to me and I just accepted that sometimes people pray relevant things and sometimes they don't. But more so than ever those are the prayers that I am clinging to now. The voices that I am battling, the voices from the past and the things that they are saying are tearing me apart, they are like knives into my very soul and the weird thing is that until yesterday when I prayed aloud at my Life Group meeting for God to make His voice the loudest in my mind, that I realised that there were so many negative voices whirling around in there.

It's funny but if you have been hearing something for long enough, you don't hear it anymore, not like an outside thought, you feel it. It becomes a part of you. The words that I hear the most, many of which are highly unpleasant, feel like they are who I am. As if they are so a part of my core that if you sliced me in two they would appear there like in a piece of seaside rock.

The realisation that there are these voices that have been with me for many years has had a two fold effect. Firstly, it has annoyed me. I feel like I have been stupidly duped into believing these things and that I have been weak enough to accept them. I am now more angry at the injustice of it, and at myself for allowing it.

Secondly, I am scared. I am scared that now I am aware of these voices that they are louder. That although I know them to be the work of the enemy and his accomplices in my life, they are all struggling for space at the same time. (This is hard to explain so i'll used an analogy...it feels like the difference between a bank queue and the stock market floor...before this realisation the bad thoughts were in a nice neat little queue, biding their time, waiting for their slot of airpace in my head. Nice and neat, one at a time, constant but simple.
Now it is like a crush of thoughts and voices grappling for attention, like the people trying to get the attention of the sellers and buyers, trying to make their voice the loudest and no one is taking their turn anymore - it is a free-for-all.)

With this image in mind, I am now trying to listen to God's voice, which would be the one voice that I want, and need, to hear. The one voice that speaks the truth and the only voice that can lead me out of this. The problem is that I can hear nothing but babble, too many voices all at once, I can't process which are good or bad until I listen to them and at the moment the ones I have allowed have been so cutting that I am scared to allow any more though - I am tired of this inner battle already.

So, I am back to wishing I had never started down this road, that I had just stayed where the voices, although bad, were in a manageable queue. On some of my worst days I hear the one voice that hurts the most, the one that tells me that God doesn't love me or He wouldn't have left me all those years ago. That one is the hardest to hear because I have no answer to why God would have let things go on as they did. Instead, all I can cling on to is the fact that God loves all of creation, even little me.

Saw this on The Simple Pastor...

and decided it was cool so I visited Wordle and did one of them for this blog...interesting array of words picked out from this blog...which one is the biggest??!!

A very quick point...

As you know, many things in my walk with God have surprised me but I have another to add to the list.

Whilst driving home I found out that one of my friends had given birth to a daughter. This was lovely news not only because of the baby element, but also because we had been anxiously waiting since 11 pm Sun when her forewaters broke!!

Now this is the surprising part...once I had got over the shock of the baby being a girl (we had all assumed it was a boy), I turned off my music and prayed!! It was just a prayer of thanksgiving and strength for the new family and it wasn't until I had finished it that I realised my first reaction to the news was to pray......this shocked me, not because I prayed (I have been known to do that before) but because it felt so natural that this should be the first thing I did!!

I'm very happy that it was but I shall take a while to get over the shock...!

A weekend with God...

Having never been to a 'Christian Weekend' I had no idea what to expect, as for the content and the worship, it was better than I had imagined and I enjoyed starting each day physically worshipping God and now have an emotional understanding of the idea of fellowship and the community of God. I was able to speak with people over the weekend and ask questions, even answer some(!!) without the confines of society - God could be in everything. This invariably led me to the realisation that God should be in everything and IS, whether we like it or not.

Bearing this revelation in mind...
As I have said above, I enjoyed the weekend immensely but I found it very hard and am now left reeling from my moves along the path and unsure how to deal with it.
Throughout the weekend there were numerous words from God, a large majority pertaining to personal hurdles and self worth and how God wants to take the pain away but He has to be given it, we have to 'step through the door' and admit our struggles and ask God to help us. This really struck a chord with me. As i have mentioned in many of my other posts, I have a big hurdle in the shape of forgiveness and regardless of all that I have written on it about forgiving daily and not being able to grow in God without sorting all the hate and hurt out...I have merely been paying lip service because although I truly want to forgive in my head and logically understand that it is not my place to judge others' actions and that God with deal with it in good time...my heart has not been following. A huge part of my heart has not wanted to forgive and not known where to start...my honest thoughts about the people I need to forgive have been more vengeful and murderous in some cases than they have been merciful and loving.

Linked to this is my tendency to 'control freak' ways and my learned habit of not letting go emotionally. All of this thrown together leaves a very messed up person who has learned to 'forget' (for this read - brush under the carpet) because she couldn't forgive. So I became a little annoyed at God in the middle part of the weekend because all the words that we for me were saying that I had to give all of this up and hand it to God and I knew that that would mean a dis-assembly of my very being. The hurt and anger is so deep and has been a part of my life for so long that to give it up to God means that I'm not sure what will be left, I'm not sure if there is anything left. I can't imagine being free of this and although I want to be desperately, I am also scared.

This was in my head as I went to the final worship of the weekend and although I had had a chat with my pastor and been told the truths that I already knew - that I needed to let go - I had found it impossible and resigned myself to the idea of carrying on with life as I had and just getting over it..........................until.....................................God stepped in.

Halfway through the worship part of the meeting we were singing a song that I had never heard before and a line in the chorus said something like 'I give my heart to You' and I found myself silently singing 'I give my broken heart to you' and visualising my smashed up heart being handed to God on a silver plate physically and I felt Him recieve it. This was when I started to cry and I continued to cry for the remainder of the meeting. This was a BIG breakthrough as I haven't cried properly for years and have been frustrated that I couldn't or felt I should hide my feelings.

So i left the weekend feeling drained and more emotional than I have ever felt. The problem I have is that I am now back in a life where no one knows about the things I am confronting and so I have to put the mask back on, which is hard because the glue isn't there anymore. This means that I am now fearing a relapse into old ways to cope, only now I have more gulit about that because I know that God will know.

My only answer at present is to pray almost continually to God to help me to survive this because I haven't even started and already it is too painful.

That Christianity is all about rules........

Before I became a Christian I viewed religion as a whole from a purely academic stance. I have studied many religions throughout my education and had come to the conclusion that all of them were simply about rules.

My understanding of Christianity was that there were Ten Commandments brought down from Mount Sinai by Moses which Jesus then simplified to the two commandments 'Love God' and 'Love your neighbour'. Which although simple to say, I thought of as extremely complicated to follow because there were all the 'little rules' that followed on from the Big Ten such as looking after the environment, becoming responsible for all of your actions, giving your money away, not being too materialistic, no sex before marriage, no excess drinking etc etc etc. It seemed like such an effort to be a part of this religion that I wondered why anyone bothered - surely it was easier to live life for myself, caring for others but not have a judge that held me accountable for everything. Sure, in the short term it was but I've found some interesting changes in my worldview and within me that have happened as a result not of being bound by Jesus, but by being set free by Him.

I was talking to a friend yesterday that I don't get to see very often and he asked me how the whole 'church thing' was going and it led me into a conversation and a path of understanding that I had not been down before. I told him that it was going well and that it has only changed me for the good. At which point I found myself explaining how Jesus has and is continuing, to change me. This led me to the statement 'By having an ideal in Jesus I find myself changing for the better and free to be me in my entirety.' I once was told that being a Christian allows you to be more you, it doesn't change who you are but makes who you are. I thought at the time that this person was talking a load of tripe because I didn't think it possible to be more me! But that is my exact experience.

I have found that the 'rules' that had put me off (amongst a whole range of other things) are the thing that allowed me to become the true me that God wants me to become. I am not a better person for following rules like a duty, because I HAVE to, I am a happier person because I feel that the guidance I receive from God through the Bible and Prayer takes the pressure OFF of me. I am feeling more and more free from the strains of society and what it expects of me and more focused on my purpose as a child of God.

An example of this would be my self esteem. I have had low self esteem for as long as I care to remember brought about by many different factors. I had let this govern my actions for so long that when I heard that Jesus had died on the cross for ME I couldn't accept it, but when I did it became my new bedrock. I now know, even at times when I feel like i've forgotten, that I am loved by God. This is so powerful a realisation that I cannot do anything but worship Him and thank Him for His grace. I do this by following Jesus' example. I cannot begin to tell you how glad I am to have the guidance of the Bible (and my Church) in order to know how to glorify God, because without it I don't think I'd have a clue! The 'rules' are not rigid thou shalt's and thou shalt not's, they are suggestions that I now follow through CHOICE and they are helping me to accept me.


There are many other ways that the 'rules' have help me to understand myself and accept myself more and I will cover those later but sufice to say that all in all the rules that put me off before are the path that has and will continue to lead me closer to God and the real me.

I couldn't find Jesus...

I was at a different Church yesterday for a special occasion - a Christening, where I had the great honour of being one of the Godparents. It was a lovely day and I really enjoyed myself...but that isn't what my post is about.

As the title suggests, somewhere along the line I couldn't find Jesus, He wasn't lost to me because He resides in me but I wasn't able to connect during the service...let me explain.

I have been to Christenings and Dedications before, pre and post Christianity. I am now of the opinion that I prefer dedications because they are a promise to God and the child and not a promise on behalf of a child (I won't go into this at the moment but suffice to say that if I have children then they will have a dedication). At previous Christenings I have thought that it was a nice service and felt that pang that I wanted some of this 'religion' but left the Church and not really considered it again and yesterday I realised why this had happened. It was because I hadn't experienced or met with Jesus at these Churches. I had gone through the motions and said all the right things and felt secretly proud of myself for remembering the Lord's Prayer without looking at the words but that's it. No connection to the essence of the service.

The service was nice (an awful word but it encapsulates the feeling of the service for me) but it wasn't electrifying or encouraging. This is not in any way a reflection on the vicar as I am sure that for other people the service was what they expected and felt comfortable with. (That sounds sarcastic and I really don't mean it that way - sometimes written word is not the best media for explaining feelings! I just mean that different people worship in different ways)
Whether it was received well by people or not is not the issue I have, my issue is the lack of emphasis on experience and understanding of God. I felt that it was all lip service, it was explanation and liturgy that was delivered in a monochrome way. There was no real room left for people to praise God and most importantly there was no explanation. We were told that candles were being lit to show that Jesus was 'the light of the world' but no mention was made of WHY He deserves this title, or how that directly affects the child being brought to Him, or the congregation, or how Jesus could light up so many of the people's lives in the Church if they accepted Him. It was merely a passing comment, this is what you should believe because it's right...where is the evidence?? (I would say that in our party...it was a double Christening with another child...95-98% were unbelievers...why then they came to a Christening or indeed had the child christened, and why I agreed to be the Godmother when I know it wasn't done from faith is another subject(s), probably for a later blog...what a missed chance to bring God to them). I'm not saying that there has to be a sermon and a sales pitch but at the same time I think the Church as a whole is doing a dis-service to people if they are not open enough to proclaim God's Grace. As Christians we are called to witness, to share the Gospel with everyone because it is FOR everyone, never more so than when you are in Church. The sad thing is that I was at the same Church for the Christening of an elder sibling two years ago. Part of me feels cheated that I didn't at least get to glimpse God then because I might have found Him earlier. It isn't a regret, it is more of a hope, that when people enter a Church for whatever reason, they have a chance to encounter Jesus, not just to read from a script and go through the motions because 'that's what you do' then leave and not return until the next Christening, Wedding or Funeral.
The lack of enthusiasm for God that I saw yesterday reminded me why I couldn't connect with Church before and also left me a little concerned that if this is the image that the Church is portraying, then we have little hope of bringing God to people.

I have rambled but based on yesterday I have come to two (surprising) conclusions:

1) Even though I often feel like a newcomer in my Church in repects to the relaxed way we worship and conduct services, I am an Evangelical Christian through and through. I wholeheartedly believe that God is immanent and can be experienced, that He is personal and wants a RELATIONSHIP with His creation, not to be feared and revered from a far but to be in every breath of a person's life.

2) I'm turning into an Evangelist. I want others to know Jesus...I don't mean that I am going to ram it down people's throats but that I have a flame within me that wants to proclaim God's Grace and Glory and wants others to experience His love. So much so that when I am in a situation where that isn't happening, it makes me sad and a little mad. I am excited by the good news that I have recieved and feel that it is unfair of me to keep this to myself, and moreover, I am unable to. at times I feel God spilling out of every pore in my body and I want other people to have this wonderful gift.

When I close my eyes I cry...

When awake with the world around,
I hear nothing, not a sound,
My heart can speak and I do not hear,
Because I am living life in fifth gear.

But when I close my eyes,
When I can no longer see the world going by,
When I close my eyes
I begin to cry.

With a busy life full of joy,
I can go for days without need of a decoy,
I can carry on ignoring my heart,
I can carry on and not fall apart.

But when I close my eyes,
When I can no longer see the world going by,
When I close my eyes
I begin to cry.

Focus on God and the divine,
And suddenly my defences decline,
When I give my heart time to speak
I find that my 'strength' grows weak

I close my eyes to pray to the Lord,
The one through which I am adored,
Yet no matter how hard I try,
The eyes that are now hidden, begin to cry.

An interesting description of Grace...

I saw this description of cheap grace vs. costly grace on Phil Whittall's blog. I think that it sums up what I have come to believe grace is. Even though cheap grace is easier, I would chose costly grace every time.

Am I evil if I sin????

Yet another blog inspired by the Alpha course last night (I promise I am officially a helper...even if I find I am learning more than teaching!) We had a talk on how to resist evil which naturally led to a discussion that included what evil is and how sin plays a part.

The discussion has got me thinking...one of the problems people have in becoming a Christian is the misconception that Christians and the Church will make them feel guilty about what they are doing wrong. In my experience, I have never felt that my Church leaders were looking down on me no matter what I said or questioned in the first place. However, I have learnt that the difference between a Christian and a Non-Christian is as simple as living for yourself or living for God. John, who gave the talk, suggested that evil is summed up in the belief that I can do whatever I like'. I think he hit the nail on the head.

This however, opens up a whole debate in my mind - if I choose to do something for myself am I evil? Are some people more evil than others? Are some people born evil and so will always be? Should we take into account the evil person's circumstances (mental health/childhood/life difficulties)? I'm not sure that I have the answers to all of these but I'll attempt one anyway!!

If I choose to do something for myself am I evil?

I would say that the definition of evil would be the belief that 'I can do whatever I want'. Selfishness is, for me, the root of evil . By this I do not mean that every time I choose to make myself a cup of coffee I am sinning, the sin comes from actions that I would continue with, without regard to others who may be affected.

For example, a person choosing to stay out all night without thought to tell their family at home, who have subsequently worried and been out searching for the 'missing' person all night. That person has sinned. I wouldn't go as far as to say that they are evil but if they repeat the sinful act then they are living in evil. They are choosing to live for themselves and not for God and others. The stark reality of Christianity is that you choose to live for God or by default, Satan.

One of the problems of society is that there has been an upsurge of RIGHTS and a downfall in RESPONSIBILITY. If people believe that they have the right to this and that then it should follow that they would gain more responsibility. If everyone lived according to the right to do as they please then we would live in a lawless society. It is the act of doing as you please because you have that right and disregarding the responsibility that allows evil to prosper.

As a Christian I believe that I am to live in God's glory and grace and because I am doing that God is changing me from the inside out, I react differently to familiar situations, and all because I am able to reflect the forgiveness and grace that God has bestowed on me. So if I am living for myself and trying to do things my way then yes, I am living in evil.

Are some people born evil and so will always be?
I would say yes and no. If we take the position that evil is living for yourself and a natural inclination towards selfishness, then my answer would be that yes, we are all born with the ability to be evil. God gave us freewill and without His guidance, freewill is often used for unsavoury gains. As people are born unaware of Christ and His payment for us, then we are all open to evil and Satan's plan.

However, it does not follow that a person who commits evil acts is forever evil. If I was to state that people are then I could not call myself a Christian. My hope has to be that all people can be saved and therefore can repent of their sins. This doesn't in anyway belittle the experience of others that have been affected by their actions but it means that they are able to come to live in God's glory.

If I believed that all people who lived in evil (be that major or minor) would always be evil then there would be no-one left to save - I have, and will no doubt, sin again, I am imperfect but because of God's gift of Jesus for me, I will always return to the light and refuse to be brought back to Satan.

Are some people more evil that others?
This is a difficult one for me to answer. I could list people who were generally agreed to be evil by many people, such as Hitler, Ian Brady, Myra Hindley, rapists, murderers, child molesters and say that they are more evil than the person who has an affair, or steals from a shop and leave it there. In the past I would have but now I am more inclined to say that no one person is more 'evil' than the next. Controversial!! I think that some people carry out more evil ACTS than others and so are portrayed as evil but all are able to be saved and repent of their actions. It is not fair for me as an imperfect human being, to judge people for their actions, my part is to trust God. He will be the one to judge and avenge for wrongs. If an 'evil' person has repented (true repentance is not an easy ride, it is facing up to all that you have done and how you have caused pain to others) then they are no worse than a person who has stolen from a shop, once, when they were 5, who has also repented.

If a person continues to repeat an offense, buoyed by only their gratification then they are living in evil, whether that is a 'major' sin or a 'minor' sin.

This does not mean that sinful people are let off. I believe that God is the ultimate judge, there will be payment for sins committed. If the person has repented then they have paid their price, they have owned up to the hurt that they have caused, this is a painful ride and shows real strength in my opinion. If the person continued to live in sin throughout their earthly life then they will pay for all eternity, God will punish them for their actions. I do not know (or indeed, do not want to know) what this will entail but I trust Him to avenge me in any arena that He feels I need vengence for.

Should we take into account the evil person's circumstances (mental health/childhood/life difficulties)?
I would always say that for every crime/evil action there is a context. There is a reason that that person may have committed the crime and that we should be aware of that. Nevertheless, that does not take away the fact that it is an evil act.

In circumstances such as mental health, I am not qualified to comment. The brain is a complex organ and when it malfunctions, it does so with great effect and the consequences of it may or may not be the person's fault. I do not mean to side step this issue but I feel out of my depth with it.

In the other circumstances mentioned I would say that although they might affect the way a person reacts in a situation in the first place that is by no means an excuse. The common phrase,

'hurt people, hurt people'

is often banded around as an explanation for the reason someone raped/murdered another person. 'Oh he had an awful childhood', 'Her husband had left her and threatened to take her kids away, that's why she killed them' . But if this is a reasonable defense then where on earth would personal responsibility come in?

In one of my previous jobs as a Therapeutic Support Worker for children who had been abused I often heard the adage that 'The abused becomes the abuser'. It was generally accepted that if you are abused as a child then there is a high chance that you would repeat it and somehow this was accepted as a reason for parents abusing their children!

I can follow that a person who is abused is more likely to exhibit abusive behaviour IF they do not have other role models but it in no way belittles the crime that they commit. If this argument stood then we could also say that if someone helped you out financially it means that you will repeat this, or that if your parents are upstanding members of the community, then their children will be too. This is false, friends of mine from school who had the best upbringing (their own words) later came to drugs and violence because they CHOSE to.

It is the same for evil acts, regardless of the background, if an act is evil then it is! And they deserve to be punished in the exact same way as the next person. The only way that they can be saved is to own the evil act and ask for forgiveness. I'm sure God would prefer to hear:

'I am sorry for my sins, please forgive me'

than

'I am sorry for my sins, but I was only doing what someone else did to me, I was messed up by it and angry and so I don't think I really deserve as bad a punishment because it's not all my fault. Please forgive me'

An apology has to be wholehearted, or else it is not an apology. People's background might explain why they chose a particular path but it was still a CHOICE and therefore they have to answer for their sins.

The above is only my random mumblings on what is a very emotive subject, please forgive me if it's tripe, I am only learning! Let me know what you think.

Outpouring...a brand-new-believer's take on things...

I've watched the live stream from the Dudley Outpouring because I wanted to see what all the hype was for myself. I watched the worship and the healings but was unable to watch the sermon.

The following is my view on what I saw, I don't mean for it to be offensive and would like people to be aware that a lot of what I am experiencing in my Christian life is alien to me and thus I find certain aspects hard to comprehend and might change stance as I grow in God.

My initial opinion of the outpouring was one of confusion. The worship was, from what I saw, spirit-filled and was very similar to worship I have experienced before. The confusion came when Trevor came on to the stage. There was no introduction, he simply started talking and prophesying. It was very abrupt and cut into the worship.

Before I continue I suppose I should explain my stance on healing and prophesying. I believe in a God that heals both emotionally and physically and would never second guess a healing because I have no right to doubt that God may have worked in the lives of others. I also believe that some people are given the gift of prophecy, I have received words and images from God, via others that were timely and helped me. So when I review what I saw I am doing it from faith and indeed I will not be talking of the actual healings, more what I perceive as issues with the way the outpouring at Dudley is being conducted.

The first issue I think we need to consider is the image that is being portrayed at Dudley. There are lots of people who watch the events and leave feeling it is a bunch of 'weird' Christians. If God is truly administering an outpouring at Dudley then it is of upmost importance to honour that by making the gospel accessible to all that are interested. My problem comes when I hear Trevor claiming that walking sticks are 'artefacts of the devil' and that they make people comfortable with their pain. Like I have said God heals but it isn't always supernatural, often it comes through the skills and brilliance of the medical profession. I am not sure that I feel encouraged by the subtle suggestion that people are ill because they are not trusting in God enough.

Secondly, my understanding is that God bestows spiritual gifts at His will. Trevor has been bestowed with the gift of healing as many people would testify (see here). So I'm not sure what to make of Trevor's encouragement that if you have been healed of a bad shoulder then you are now anointed to heal for the same problem. It might follow but I think that if you have the power of healing then it is healing in general, not specifics.

Following on from that is the assertion that anyone who answers one of Trevor's calls for healing of a condition/illness, then it will be done. Healing doesn't always work like that, sometimes it does and the glory goes to God for that, but often God heals slowly or in some cases not at all. There is no real answer to the question of why God doesn't heal everyone but we must be trusting that He knows why. The danger with asserting that God will heal is that it may lead to some people questioning God's power or compassion, I think more needs to be done to make it clear that while we remain hopeful that all will be healed, some may not.

At one point there was a drop in the noise and excitement of the crowd watching the healings and so Trevor said that they should stay upbeat because God doesn't inhabit the quiet (!!) I think that it is possible in the excitement of the evening and the presence of God that people are getting a little carried away and say things that are not true. In my limited experience I believe that God inhabits all places at all times.
If you are educated in Christianity and can work out which comments are likely to have been said in the heat of the moment then that's all well and good but this is one of the most public platforms that God and healing has had in a long time in this country and so I think a little more care needs to be taken in how certain things are portrayed, and certainly there needs to be a little more explanation and teaching around what God is doing, as He is doing it.

Lastly, I am concerned as Phil Whittall mentioned that the whole movement is centered around Trevor and didn't give chance for others who have gifts to be used by God. He was the main one laying on hands and proclaiming healings (some of which were not technically healings, but improvements). The ways are at times unorthodox, for instance kicking a bad ankle in order to heal and pushing down on someone's back who had a herniated disc, isn't what I would consider a wise move.

All in all, I realise that although I may have come over as a little negative in relation to the whole thing, I believe in the essence of it. I believe that God has been at Dudley and has healed people but I am not sure that it HAS to happen at Dudley. I am concerned that people are beginning to confine God to human terms and believe that every night He turns up at Dudley and that that is the place you have to go to be healed. God is all around and if people are receptive to Him and trust Him then He will hear your prayer and He will decide whether to answer it or not.


I pray that God continues to heal and touch the lives of all people, those who seek and those who don't.

My goal....................eventually......................

' Rejoice always!
Pray constantly.
Give thanks in everything,
for this is God's will for you
in Christ Jesus.
Don't stifle the Spirit.
Don't despise prophecies,
but test all things.
Hold on to what is good.
Stay away from every form of evil.'
(1 Thessalonians 5:16-22)

I think that these verses sum up for me, at this moment in time, all that I am striving for, all that I want. As a new believer I have found many aspects of Christianity have been counter to my previous life. Things such as praying and reading the Bible have been harder to include in my life (often I cite being busy as an excuse). I think this is partly because it is different from before but also because I am not as trusting as I would like to be. By that I mean that I have asked God to be Lord of my life and at times He is but more often than not my old fears come back and force me to take a hold of the steering wheel again. Thus, I do not need to pray or read God's words because I am in control and I obviously know better (!!)

I have spoken previously on feeling prodded by God more and more in recent days, and whereas I am aware of this and thankful that God has heard my prayers for guidance, it appears to be having a negative effect on my attitude to God. The more that I am prodded, the more I am forced to consider a path that I would rather not take, in short, one I am scared to take. My reaction therefore has been to pay lip service to the ideas put forward by others in ways that I might be helped down the road less traveled and then in my heart to dismiss the ideas. I was not really aware that I was doing this until the words above spoke to my very core. They put down in print what I REALLY want, what I believe to be the life God wants for me.

If this really is the case then I need to do something about it. The line that spoke to me the most in light of yesterday's events was 'Don't stifle the Spirit'. I have accepted that there is a God, I believe that God's son Jesus died for me on the Cross and yet up until now I haven't given much airtime to the third person of the Trinity. I have only accepted two thirds of God. When I prayed my commitment I included the Holy Spirit and asked Him to come into my life but haven't actually realised what the Holy Spirit is and how much I need to know the Holy Spirit so that I am able to start the journey down THE road.

So my short term aim is to get to know the Holy Spirit, to ask for Him to come into my life and help me, in my decisions, with my conduct and with the strength to take the first step on the next part of my journey. I know that this will be the most painful part, I know that i will want to turn back, maybe twenty times a day but if I accept and truly trust the Holy Spirit to guide me, I cannot have a stronger ally by my side fighting the evil I will be standing up to.

Who knew??

At the start of the day I had plans...I was going to 'help' at my Church's Alpha Away Day. I imagined that this would involve me being neither use nor ornament because I'm not feeling particularly filled with the Spirit at the moment and as the day was about introducing the Holy Spirit to the guests, I expected to be taking a somewhat back seat during the proceedings.

However, it seemed that God had a different plan. At the end when the guests had chance to respond to Jesus and become Christians or simply receive prayer from the leaders if they wished to. I stayed back on purpose letting the more experienced Christians approach people. It was whilst I was watching the room that I saw one of the guests on their own and went to speak to them. There was much praying with me and another leader and the guest, again I took a back seat and although I felt that God wanted me to pray for the guest I didn't because I doubted God's words. I did however tell the guest what had been in my heart and what I had not said after the prayers of others because I figured that what I thought was insignificant might well be one thing that another need to hear.

At this point two other leaders joined us and the previous leader left. Again there was a lot of discussion and prayer for the guest. After which one of the leaders ask the guest if they were ready to be a Christian (they had previously said that they felt like they were on a precipice and didn't know if they could or were ready to make that step in faith). When they replied yes I was happy and thought how special it was that I could be present when someone gave their life to Jesus (having only been present at one commitment before), this is where the shock was, because one of the leaders then asked me if I could remember what I had prayed in my commitment. Being as though it was only three months, almost to the day, that I had prayed it, I answered yes. He then suggested that I lead this guest to God by praying a prayer of Commitment that the guest could then copy!!!

Firstly, what faith this leader must have had to think that I could do that, I have only prayed out loud for people three times previously and still get immensely nervous about the prospect of it because I worry that I might not say the right thing (if I trusted in the Holy Spirit more for guidance then I think I would probably be less nervous...!!!)

Secondly, it wasn't a run-of-the-mill prayer (not that any is particularly) but it was THE prayer, the one that I imagine every Christian remembers praying and I was in some way in charge of voicing that for someone else and all off of the top of my head!

Those were the two thoughts that instantly bounded into my head...and yet I agreed straight away because I felt that it would be a privilege to be able to do this. In order to pray the prayer I did something that I haven't really ever done in prayer, not properly, I stopped thinking with my head and spoke with my heart. The guest copied my words and became a Christian - HOW AMAZING IS THAT!! The joy and the release that I saw in this person is the best thing that I have ever had a part in, none of the glory for the peace and calm that descended is mine - it is all God's and the fact that the leaders and God trusted me to do this on His behalf is still sinking in.

After the commitment prayer we all prayed for the guest and this time I offered my prayer for them, I didn't for the first time, feel like I was unable or inferior, to do so. I meant every word and yet they didn't feel like my words but the words that God had put on my heart.

So the day that I had decided that I would take a backseat in, God chose to lead me to the front and put some of my experience as a Christian out there to help someone else to be saved. An awesome privilege for anyone, let alone a brand-new-believer!!

Look what the verse of the day is!!!!!!! Hmmmmm...

This is the verse of the day from God's Politics...coincidence? Or encouragement from prayer?? It's funny when you let the barriers down...just a bit...how much of God's love flows through

That told me!!

I think I might have been gently reminded by God that although my problems might seem big, they are in fact small in relation to what Jesus has done for me on the Cross.
I was at a Church group last night and during prayer I think God spoke to me. The leader was thanking Jesus for being with us in all of our troubles and enduring them with us at which point I thought 'Well I don't recall Jesus suffering [insert anything that I am bitter about here] anywhere in the Bible' (with all the attitude of a cross teenager who is feeling particularly self involved). And I felt God saying ' That may be true but Jesus did die for you and endured unimagined pain that you will never have to feel'. It was like God was reminding me that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for me and that until I own my feelings and deal with my bitterness, that sacrifice was for nothing.
Interesting point...

What my heart wants to say...

Does God speak through music???

Driving home from work, listening to music when I was really struck by the lyrics in this song by Diana Ross. It follows the words from God that I have been receiving recently (at least I think I have...I'm very new to all this). Ever felt well and truly prodded???!!!!

Sometimes when your world seems so big and real
You may run to the shelter of walls
Sometimes you may wish
You could be like your shadow
It fits wherever it falls

Whenever the night’s too deep to find
And the morning is too far away
Wherever you are
There’s always a star to guide the way
There to guide the way

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We all will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

Tonight if a dream should come to your sleep
With a picture you don’t wanna see
Go where it leads, from secret to secret
You are what you want to be
Whenever the sun refuses to shine
And you can’t chase the storm clouds away
Wherever you are there’s always a star to guide the way
There to guide the way

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We all will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

Living in a private world
There are times when it’s hard to break through
So don’t give up
Each time you hurt you’ve got nothing to lose
There’s a voice inside of you

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We all will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

If you listen long enough
(listen)
If you dream it strong enough
(dream it)
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We will find the answer
In the voice of the heart

If you listen long enough
(long enough)
If you dream it strong enough
(strong enough)
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
In the voice
In the voice of the heart
We will find the answer
Like a song too long unsung

Why is it that God always asks of us that which we don't want to do?! The answer is of course that there is no challenge in doing things that we like and that we are not stretched by and often it is the challenges that help us to grow as people. God knows what we need - before we do. Again it's about trust and believing the word of God that states that God will not give us more than we can bear.

I was talking to my friend the other day about being stuck behind this wall that I couldn't move past (in faith terms) and he quoted that passage in the Bible and said that he believed that God sometimes holds us back and prepares us for the next stage, equipping us for the next step. He said that he believed that this is what God is doing for me now.

I prayed about it and have felt prodded ever since - hmmmmmm.........who said prayer was easy and that God didn't listen??

Challenge from unlikely sources...

On a tuesday I 'help' at an Alpha Course, I help in the group discussion after the talk although generally, this involves me sitting and listening and interjecting occasionally..

Anyhoo, it was in this group, last night, that I met a challenge from one of the guests. This particular guest was saying that they felt they were carrying a huge bag of stuff (experiences, guilt etc) and that to get rid of it they feel they need to speak it out to another person. This led to another member saying that when they became a Christian they didn't move on in their faith and healing until they listed all the things that they felt they needed to be forgiven for, and needed to forgive others for. They said that once they had labelled them and owned up to them through physically naming them, they were lifted from the bondage of them.

There is the challenge - I felt that God was speaking to me through these people, that He was laying out the path that I need to take in order to get past the brick wall I am presently behind on my journey.

I've been praying that God might help me to know what to do to move on and to begin healing from particular things in my life. Asking that He offers me a way to Him, and here it is......now I have to actually do something about it. I can procrastinate all I want, I know in my heart that this is the way that I need to go to heal - to talk about it, to tell someone (I wouldn't do it unless I was face to face with someone - I'd just keep putting it off if it was just me and God - although I am aware that He already knows and doesn't NEED me to tell Him but realises that I NEED to tell Him). What I also realise is that when I start, I need to tell everything, not the censored version but the 18 version. The one with all the rubbish, all the thoughts, all the feelings, all the words of hate in my heart planted there by others. It won't be pretty but I feel that God is telling me that it needs to be done.

So now begins the battle with myself to let it go.

The music in my head...

In an attempt to put in words how I am feeling I am going to use three songs as I just don't have the words to describe the mess!!

The first song is my inner voice. The way that I'm feeling deep within and unable to voice to others or specifically those who have hurt me.

The second is what I think I need to do in order to move on, but for some reason am unable to do at the moment (or unwilling - depends how you look at it)

The third is what I decide to do instead and is the reason that I have hit a brick wall in my healing/faith

Please do not judge me on the videos - youtube's finest!!

They may not make sense, but I sometimes find other people's words easier to use than my own when I am exploring that which I would rather hide

The idea of forgiveness and non-judgement tested...

From my short relationship with Jesus I have come to realise that judgement is not mine, it's God's. If I was perfect, like God, then I would be allowed to judge others but as I am not (in any form) I have no right to. When I feel that I am judging of others I remind myself of Jesus' words "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?' (Luke 6:41) and believe me, I have to do this a lot!!

Recently the personal circumstances of a close friend have caused me to reflect on this verse in depth. I do not condone the actions of this friend and cannot even imagine being in the position that she has been in and now finds herself in. For this reason, I have found it easy to judge (in my heart). When I spoke to her, she says that she knows that she did wrong and that the people concerned have all agreed to put it behind them. In religious terms she has repented (although she hasn't asked forgiveness from God as she is not Christian) and so it is now in God's hands (if or hopefully when, she becomes a Christian). This is something that I am having to pray about and focus on because I am angry with my friend.

So I feel that I am doing the right thing in regards to at least working on this area, in this circumstance.

Enter my mother stage right... My main hurdle to moving forward in this is actually my mother who has warned me that my friend is only staying my friend because I am not judging her and I should in fact tell her exactly what I think of the situation and essentially break friends with her. I know that my mother is speaking from a bitter place, having been hurt by friendships in the past, but when your mother put doubt in your heart about your actions it's easy to believe her.

Add it to the list of things I have to work on...............phew.........this Christian life is complicated!!

Feeling a little lost...

I haven't thought the following out so it might not make any sense - i'm going to post whatever it is though, so if it's pants just ignore it.

The only word I can use to describe how i'm feeling is lost. I went to Church today and afterwards we all had a BBQ. It was a lovely day, spending it with friends and just relaxing. However, I felt removed from everything. It was nothing to do with the people, they were all their usual inviting selves and I didn't sit in the corner with a face like a spanked arse, but felt like I was having to work at putting the smile on my face today.

I'm still not sure what the feeling is - I still have it as i'm writing this. It's a sort of despairing remoteness. I feel like I am inhabiting a body and that I'm not connected to it, like i've lost the glue.

At Church my pastor prayed during worship for the people that needed to connect with God, to allow Him to be Lord of their life, to hand Him all the stuff weighing on their hearts...when he said this I actually felt my heart break and then harden so that I didn't let on to anyone that I was falling apart.

I want to give everything to God, I want to be honest with Him and cry out for His help but I have this wall in front of me - and the wall is my pride I think. I don't want to appear weak, I don't want to cry and I don't want to fall apart. The daft thing is that God already knows what is in my heart, He has always known and will always know everything - sometimes before I do. I think i'm just scared, like a little child and not as trusting in God as I would like to think that I am.

Lord Jesus, help me
I don't know where to turn
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to start

I need You,
I need Your strength
I need Your wisdom to guide me

Help me to overcome my fear and pride
Help me to stand up to my demons
Help me to trust you
Help me to know where to turn

Jesus, take my broken heart
Renew it with hope,
Renew it with your love.

Salvage my heart from the eclipsing stone
and help me to be who you want me to be
Help me to do things Your way and not my way
because if I continue on this path it will only lead to my destruction

In Jesus' name
Amen

Abundance...

*This is not a theological or spiritual post*

The word abundance is such a good one for explaining how much God gives us...and yet the image I get in my head when the word is mentioned devalues it somewhat...it's an image of a bun (with a cherry on top) doing a dance!!

I can offer no explanation - I even confuse myself!!

Have a good day x

Change is a foot...

Just a quick one to note another change that I noticed last night. It's not earth-changing, or even significant to anyone but me. It shows me that I am making progress on bringing down the barriers.

I was at a course last night with loads of people that I know, including a guy that I have only known for about 5 weeks (through Church). When I was saying goodnoght to everyone, this guy hugged me and I didn't flinch!! There's the change! IIn fact I hugged him back - it was a completely platonic hug, one of friendship but as the person I was hugging was a male that I hadn't known for very long, my usual reaction would have been to shy away or stay completely rigid (with fear - I don't like the invasion of my personal space without invitation).

Another change - small but very significant - I think the stone heart is softening. Thank you God

To dip or to immerse??

Interesting sermon today at church about baptism. My pastor spoke about two types of Christians...the Dippers and the Immersers.

He spoke of those Christians who want God and Jesus as a saviour at the end of life, they dip in and out of their beliefs choosing when to follow God. It might be that they are faithful in certain areas of their lives and in others they bar the entry. They want God as a saviour, not as Lord.

Then there are the Immersers, those who have chosen and ACTIVELY put their lives into God's hands - and that means everything...even those things that you are trying to forget/feel too guilty about/don't want to acknowledge. These people are not the weakest as some would suggest as they are willing to trust God. These people may go through the hard times facing themselves and their pasts but they are ultimately better off for it because the peace they recieve through God's grace for letting Him be Saviour AND LORD is un-matchable.

So then having cinsidered this I believe that I am a Dipper with Immerser overtones (!!) in that I have not given over everything to God, although I wish Him to be my Lord and Saviour. This is because I am scared of MY reaction if I face all that I would rather hide from, yet I trust God completely. It really is the lack of trust in myself that is holding me back. Which is daft when you think of what is on offer......let me use an illustration:

You are in a world famous biscuit shop, there are countless types and sizes of biscuit available. You are at the counter and realise that you only have enough money for one biscuit, the choice before you is a plain, dry, unsatifsfying biscuit with a little chocolate on the side of it vs. a biscuit packed full of nuts/fruit/sweets/caramel (delete as appropriate) that is covered in the most luxurious thick, world renowned chocolate. They cost the same price. Which are you going to choose? It's a no-brainer!! The second biscuit everytime - why? Because it's full of nourishment, tastes infinitely better and makes more sense! The plain biscuit has it's good points but the sweetness of the chocolate can only mask the plain reality of it for a short while.

This is how I am beginning to see the choice before me - live a life that has its sweet moments but it ultimately plain because of my distance from God, or live a life that is sweet, nourishing and fulfilling?

Is there really a choice?

I didn't realise!!!

A couple of weeks ago my car was vandalised. I had some idea as to the group of people the vandals may have been apart of. It was kids we had been providing a service to. When it happened I was too tired to worry too much if i'm honest and I also felt an overwhelming sense of.........pity's not the right word.........love (?) for the 'vandals'. Either way my concern was for those children who had done it as I felt sorry that they hadn't got parents who expected them in at 11 o'clock at night. I think when someone (regardless of their age) vandalises someone elses property it says more about their view of themselves, than the person who is the 'victim'.



Anyhoo, yesterday I visited a friend that I hadn't seen since the car thing and they said 'I heard you forgave the kids that did that to your car'. The weird thing is...until my friend said that I didn't even realise that that is what I had done!! But I have! And I did it without much agonising and thought really, it just seemed the right thing to do. God is changing me - I'm not sure that I would have done the same thing a few months ago. I'd have probably felt hard done by, bitter and like it was a personal attack.Yet I didn't because not long after we had found my car in that state I had been able to pray with a group of people for the children who had done it. During that short prayer session I felt my heart go from stone to feather, I felt the bitterness that had begun to settle within me, leave. And I'm thankful to God for that.



So two things have come from this experience and the conversation yesterday:

1) I can and I am forgiving more, I now need to recognise when I am doing it (I really had no idea that I had forgiven them)
2) God is changing me from the inside out in such a caring way that I haven't noticed it all, this is good in that I do not feel assaulted and forcefully moulded but it also means that I need to concentrate more on God and His plans for me.

My car got vandalised - so what?? My heart is being repaired. Praise the Lord!!

The more I know of God........

The more I know of God, the more I love Him
The more I know of God, the more I thank Him
The more I know of God, the more outstanding He is
The more I know of God, the more I yearn to know

The more I know of God, the less I want to hate
The more I know of God, the less I want to sin
The more I know of God, the less I want to lead my own life
The more I know of God, the less I want to hurt

The more I know of God, the more I want to follow Him
The more I know of God, the more I want to read His word
The more I know of God, the more I want to be in His glory
The more I know of God, the more I want to be the me He wants me to be

Coincidence?? I'm not so sure...

If you have not yet grasped this fact...I'm very much consumed with the idea of grace and forgiveness at the moment, mainly because i have a lot of forgiving to do and also because I now have an understanding of grace and so feel compelled to try and live life in God's grace (which I think I might be failing to do at present...more on that later). Anyhoo, bearing this in mind, I rocked up to Church this morning only to find out that the sermon was on Grace and, in part, it link with forgiveness (!!). I'm not sure if this is true for any other believer - please let me know if it is - but since I have actively tried to put my life into God's hands I have recieved coincidence after coincidence...until it's become a little freaky.

The service was good, I think it's exactly what i needed to hear today because once again I am struggling with unforgiveness and bitterness. I have found that understanding Grace is not enough - we have to live it and in order to live it we have to constantly remind ourselves of God's grace. This is an impossible feat if we do not realise that we cannot do it without God, without asking for His help, without praying for guidance and without surrendering our need to control our own lives to Him.

When I struggle with the thought of Grace it's not the idea that it is freely given to all that I stumble on the most, it's the idea that it is freely given to ME. My biggest hurdle to faith was and still is in part my own lack of self worth that manifests itself in my inability to accept that God would want to save me. I know that He can, but the doubts in my head and the voices from the past constantly ask me 'Why would God want to save you? What's so special about you? Do you think you deserve it?' The reality of it is that no one deserves Grace, it is God's gift. It doesn't make me special to recieve it, it doesn't make me better than the unbeliever that has no idea about Grace, it simply makes me want to share the joy with others in any way I can.

As a simpleminded person, I find it easier to understand complex concepts via things like music, so in an attempt to show you how my mind works, when I need reminding of what grace means I listen to this, hope you like it :) :

Futher to my post on forgiving myself....

The only answer I can see to the question is to lay myself before God and to ask Him to help me. I also don't think it is going to be something that I do once and then sit back and live a happier life - it will be something that I will have to ask God to help me with every day, and at the start I would guess every minute. It will have to be an act of will to wish God's grace for those who have wronged me (i include myself in this rather bizzarely) and then hopefully it will, in time, become a subconscious will.

The road to forgiveness will be a long and challenging one but it is one that I hope to travel so that I can live the life that I believe God wants for me.

Forgiving myself

Forgiveness will be a running theme for a while I fear. It is the one issue that is foremost in my mind when I think about God and my faith. I know that I cannot be saved if I have not forgiven. I want to be saved so the logical argument goes that I should forgive.
If I want to forgive others then I have to forgive myself. As long as I blame myself, I do not understand forgiveness enough to extend it to others. People have told me I have nothing to be forgiven for in regard to a certain situation, if this is the case and I can't forgive myself, then how am I ever going to forgive the person(s) who, according to the same people were to blame?
Next question how on earth does a person begin to forgive themselves? Do you have a conversation with yourself? I could do with a bit of help on this one I think...any ideas?

Acceptance

I have been attending a church for about three months now, it is a small community church of about 50 adults and nearly as many children(!!). I am an active member in that I try to be involved with as many projects and meetings etc that I can. I enjoy the companionship and support of the people I have been so fortunate to meet and make friends with. I enjoy being a part of a family of believers who seem genuinely pleased to see each other and to help each other when they need it, be that a chat and a coffee or laying a patio. Which gets me to the point of this post - the weirdest thing about church (which is a quite a long list as I was brought up in a traditional Methodist church and evangelical churches are SO very different in their approach) is the fact that these people, from all walks of life and levels and longevity of faith, have just accepted me into their family without question.
I understand why they have done this biblically speaking, as the Bible states that we are all the creation of God and thus we are all a part of a huge global family. If I thought that the only reason these people spoke to me was because the Bible told them to then it would take some of the shine off of it because it would essentially be an academic exercise in trying to please Jesus and would have little to do with me. However, the members of the church go out of their way to include me, talk to me and view me as one of them. I find this hard to accept because I do not feel worthy of their love or their acceptance but I think that shows more about my view of myself than it does about anything else.

How much do I love God?

With everything that I am...is my first response to the question but having been struck by a quote, it's really got me thinking.....

'I really only love God as much as I love the person I love least'

(Dorothy Day)

If I am the new believer that i credit myself with being then I have to love God as much as I can, I have to do whatever I can to remain in His glory and grace, not because I HAVE to but because I WANT to. This quote says to me that if I have murderous hatred for another human then I have murderous hatred for God. That's quite powerful and very scary.

If it is true then at this moment in time I do not even love God - I hate Him vehemently. This is definitely an area that I need to work on. I think forgiving someone is now possible for me, something I once felt was beyond my capabilities - so I am making progress in some ways. I guess I have to believe in God to continue changing me from the inside - removing my many stains of sin.

Grace is...

'A gift that costs everything for the giver and nothing for the recipient'

'Does not depend on what we have done for God but rather what God has done for us'

'A humble awareness that God has already forgiven us a debt so mountainous that besides it any persons' wrongs against us shrink to the size of anthills'

'God loves people because of who God is, not because of who we are'

'There is nothing we can do to make God love us more. There is nothing we can do to make God love us less'

These are quotes from Phillip Yancey's book 'What's So Amazing About Grace?' that struck me as interesting and challenging. As a new believer I have accepted that Jesus died for me and in doing so allowed me to be saved from my own sinfulness - to be given a chance, where I didn't deserve it. However, these quotes are quite stark in their urge that now that we have accepted that fact, we have to act upon it. As Jesus illustrated in the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matt 18:23-35), one of the things God calls us to do is to extend the gift of Grace He has given us to others, we are not perfect and so cannot expect perfection from others who are the same as us, even of they have committed acts and sins that we would never consider doing.
This makes me feel both hopeful and anxious. Hopeful because it means that there is a way that humanity can mend itself from the violence and selfishness that is so often displayed throughout the world and in our own lives. It also means that there is a chance that I can recover my heart and soul from the stone of hatred and fear that it is currently behind. However, it makes me anxious because these quotes remind me how little progress I have made in this area. I am thankful for what God has done for me but i'm not sure how, or if I even want, to extend that to others. Yet I know that I cannot have all that God has promised if I do not................

Grace=Forgiveness - an awesome yet entirely strange concept

The whole idea of God's Grace is a strange one. Grace states that we are all sinful and yet God will forgive us if we ask - even though we do not deserve it. It follows then that if God forgives us then we have very little right not to forgive others - passing the judgement and the weight to God; the ultimate judge.
This is the sort of thing I have read about in textbooks for years - I even teach about it(!!) sometimes and yet I have never really, truely understood it. It took some time and many an analogy from my Pastor to get it but when I did it was a PHYSICAL feeling of recognition. No so much a EUREKA! moment but a realisation of the weight that I am carrying on my back through my unforgiveness. I feel like the person I have not forgiven is still there clinging on to my back, through everything that I do I am carrying the hatred and it's suffocating me.
The idea that I can get rid of that makes me feel lighter and happier than I thought possible - but it is only a fleeting feeling - something I can't grab. As Michael Jackson once wrote in his song 'Gone too Soon' it's like 'a castle built upon a sandy beach...here one day, gone one night'.
So i guess that this is a glimpse of the feeling that all these people at Church are harping on about. I guess this is the feeling of the Holy Spirit at work in my heart.
So here's the clincher...I figure that in order to live in this light - in God's light then I must have to do something positive, CHOOSE to forgive and actively pray for His help everyday because I'm not sure that all of e wants to forgive. I've got to invite God into my life...and actually let Him take the wheel................Cue feelings of fear and joy. A strange feeling