Despite the last post...

I now actually think I may be going mad.

Further to the topic I discussed in the last post, it may be because I have actually focused on what I am hearing instead of ignoring it, or maybe I am just not a nice person...

For a few weeks now I have had the almost overwhelming urge to shout obscenities aloud at myself - not others - to tell the voices from the past and now of the present, to just remove themselves (the less polite version.) It is strange because it comes from nowhere - I can be driving, thinking of my day, what I need to do, all the mundane things that a person might think about and suddenly I will be shouting obscenities at myself and the voice that hasn't even been allowed to speak. I find myself just wishing that I could leave my head and my body for a while - just float free, away from this fight.

The more scary thing for me at the moment is something that has only happened a couple of times and although it has been only a thought and would never be an action, it's really bothering me. I have found myself thinking really very unkind things about people I see (and don't know) and imagining how much I could hurt them by saying it to them. I have found myself wanting to make these strangers HURT, really hurt. I want them to feel the pain that I will not let myself feel. I am disgusted with myself for these thoughts and the only thing that it seems to prove to me is that I am not a nice person, and the statements about me that I am hearing seem to be more truth than fiction.

So I have consequently spent much of my time in prayer asking for forgiveness, but then I am now at the point of thinking that if I keep asking for forgiveness and then the thoughts continue to pop into my head then God has to at some point consider me to be insincere, when I really am not.

This post doesn't make any sense - sorry I just need to put these thoughts out there so that they are not just in my head...