Feeling a little lost...

I haven't thought the following out so it might not make any sense - i'm going to post whatever it is though, so if it's pants just ignore it.

The only word I can use to describe how i'm feeling is lost. I went to Church today and afterwards we all had a BBQ. It was a lovely day, spending it with friends and just relaxing. However, I felt removed from everything. It was nothing to do with the people, they were all their usual inviting selves and I didn't sit in the corner with a face like a spanked arse, but felt like I was having to work at putting the smile on my face today.

I'm still not sure what the feeling is - I still have it as i'm writing this. It's a sort of despairing remoteness. I feel like I am inhabiting a body and that I'm not connected to it, like i've lost the glue.

At Church my pastor prayed during worship for the people that needed to connect with God, to allow Him to be Lord of their life, to hand Him all the stuff weighing on their hearts...when he said this I actually felt my heart break and then harden so that I didn't let on to anyone that I was falling apart.

I want to give everything to God, I want to be honest with Him and cry out for His help but I have this wall in front of me - and the wall is my pride I think. I don't want to appear weak, I don't want to cry and I don't want to fall apart. The daft thing is that God already knows what is in my heart, He has always known and will always know everything - sometimes before I do. I think i'm just scared, like a little child and not as trusting in God as I would like to think that I am.

Lord Jesus, help me
I don't know where to turn
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to start

I need You,
I need Your strength
I need Your wisdom to guide me

Help me to overcome my fear and pride
Help me to stand up to my demons
Help me to trust you
Help me to know where to turn

Jesus, take my broken heart
Renew it with hope,
Renew it with your love.

Salvage my heart from the eclipsing stone
and help me to be who you want me to be
Help me to do things Your way and not my way
because if I continue on this path it will only lead to my destruction

In Jesus' name
Amen