Tough few days...

I look forward to the day that my posts become positive to read!! My goal is to try to see the positive in everything that I do and to look for God in my times of trial...

The last couple of weeks have been tough, tough because I have decided to go down the path that I have so long avoided. I have attempted this many times over but this time it seems to be different...to start with I have (so far) stuck to it. I think that the main reason is, that I haven't chosen to go to a regular counsellor this time (at the last count I have tried to engage in counselling on 4 separate occasions - all of which have been either disastrous or shallow experiences.) This time around I am dealing with stuff through regular meetings with my friends (an Elder from Church and his wife.) Neither profess to be counsellors, but both profess to wait in the presence of THE Counsellor. The meetings involve lots of prayer and some talking...but prayer is the main event.

What do I think of it so far?
Well, I'm not going to lie, I am not enjoying it in the slightest...but I think that I am beginning to feel a little bit of light in that I now think I may be able to live a free life eventually. This is a big step for me. From here to there, it looks like a long windy and frankly, treacherous road...I am glad God is with me, and my friends.

Problems?
Yes - the main one happened after our meeting yesterday. Towards the end of a harrowing recounting I developed a neck twitch that made me look like I was beckoning everyone over to me. My friend prayed for it to leave but it was tenacious...so much so that it carried on for the entire day today, much to the amusement and then worry of my colleagues! It has only just stopped - a full 22 hours after it started.

What can I garner from this experience? That I need to let go. There was a point in the meeting last night where I felt tears and sadness like I have never known, well up and threaten to overflow. God was working in my dry eyes and stone heart to give me the release that I needed at that point, and have needed for, well, ever I suppose. At that moment I had a choice - allow God to take control and see where it took me, or struggle for my own control and swallow this alien feeling down. I am ashamed to say that I chose the latter. This is when the tic started.

The tic was the outward sign of my inward turmoil, the very image and display of my stuck-ness. The repetitive nature of the movement showed me just how I approach this situation. I go to move forward and then just as I think I have, I step back. I am afraid of the dark.
What God has taught me in this affliction is that I am not in fact afraid of the dark, but that I am afraid of the light, His light. I am afraid that it will light up all the recesses of my memories and show me things that I don't want to see or remember.

Two things from this...
1) No matter how I look at it (and I do regularly as is evident in my posts on here...) I am going to have to trust God to hold me up when I cannot stand, and to give me strength when I can no longer look at my past and most importantly, to love me no matter what is revealed.
2) Whether I want to see or remember is actually superfluous...I do remember, at least my body does - that is why it reacts the way it does. Hiding from what is there, doesn't mean it isn't there in the first place, it means that I am simply putting my head in the sand.
A good friend of mine was recounting a speech made by a lady from her church at a recent Ladies Day. She said that the armour of God in Ephesians 6 speaks of many areas, but does not speak of armour for your back. When you run your back is not protected. Who do I need protection from? Not God - if I stand with God my back is no longer a weak spot...I am clothed in His armour, the strongest and most heavenly armour...how I wish i had cried last night, but at the same time, no matter how much my neck still hurts, I think I needed that lesson to see that God can only peel away the layers and examine them if I let Him; not because I am higher or stronger than God, but because He is a loving parent who wants us to let Him help us.

'The LORD is my light and my salvation -

whom should I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life - 

of whom should I be afraid?

(Psalm 27:1)

For He will conceal me in His shelter

in the day of adversity;

He will hide me under the cover of His tent;

He will set me high on a rock.

Then my head will be high above my enemies around me;

(Psalm 27:5-6)