Dubious...

I found out that a woman who shaped my life immeasurably when I was younger had died on Friday. Just before I fell asleep I got the message. And I wasn't ready for the grief that has followed.

Let me backtrack a bit...
This lady was a youth leader of sorts and devoted her life to helping others, particularly children and their families. She was also the strongest woman I have ever known. It wasn't until I heard of her death that I realised that I saw her as a sort of protector when I was younger, a person who could stand, and would stand up against anyone. She was also the only person that could ever see through my facade - and when I was younger told me that she knew I was unhappy. That was all she said, but the sense of gratitude I felt toward her for simply noticing (even though, paradoxically, I didn't want anyone to know I was unhappy) was overwhelming and consequently I can remember that exact exchange as if it was yesterday.

I haven't seen this lady for years, for a variety of reasons, add to that the fact that we knew she was ill (although it was a very quick decline at the end) I did not expect to feel the way that I am feeling. Sad, lost and most of all vunerable.

On Friday, before I found out, I was at another prayer session praying over my issues and God led the focus of that session to unplugging my emotions. I was encouraged to pray directly to God and tell Him my fears and worries and ask for His help. Which I did.

I have an overriding sense that God is turning the death of this lady to His glory by making it the corkscrew for releasing the stop on my emotions. I do not mean in any way that God has sacrificed this lady for my healing, just simply that this feels like it might be the start of the release because I am finding it difficult to keep a hold on my emotions...suddenly all that I have been feeling in the background has zoomed forward in the foreground and I can't seem to see around them. It's like they are dancing in front of my face, mocking my attempts to ignore them.

Bearing all of this in mind....Church seems like a very scary prospect today. As I have said before in this blog, Church is very disarming and when I last felt vunerable and went to Church it lead to a very emotional day.

I have known for a while that my healing will be through tears. They will be the starting point, God has been consistent on that one. Today I continue to feel completely out of control of my emotions. The tent pegs aren't holding the canvas down and all of my thoughts, worries and memories are flooding out...it really is quite overwhelming.

Add to that, the music. Once that music starts to play at Church I am undone on a 'strong' day (or should that say weak?)

So as the post title says...I feel dubious...