Grief is a strange thing...

Further to my last post, I have been spending a lot of my time in my past. In the memories of a childhood spent with friends and in a circle of love that I had forgotten. Those times were so special to me, they were where I got to reclaim some of what I had lost and where I felt safe - away from any harm. What wonderful memories I have! And what wonderful friends I made...friendships that are continued (although more distant as time moves on) and now feel stronger because we are bonded by the same grief.

It makes the sorrow of a life ended, bittersweet. The end of this lady's life means that she is no longer in pain which is worth the pain that I am now feeling, any day of the week. For this I am thankful and rejoice. I am also blessed with memory upon memory of this woman's kindness and compassion and the opportunities that she has afforded all of her 'children'. It is in no means an exaggeration to say that I would not be the person I am today without this woman's influence...I simply wouldn't. She took me under her wing when I needed it and kept me there throughout my teenage years which could have swallowed me up in selfishness and bitterness had she not taught me that there is joy in serving others. This is her legacy. I have continued to serve others for their benefit, sure, but really it is I who benefit. And now I am able to tell people that it is because of God's grace and Jesus' sacrifice on the cross that I have the strength to serve others - it is in His strength.

This lady helped, not to soften my heart as such, but to stop it from reaching a totally solid state. Yes, it became hardened, but the joy of serving and the love that she and her husband showed me helped my heart to stay in a condition that allowed my redemption years later. If I did not have that to fall back on then I am not sure I would have had the capability to let God in. (I have also had great foundations from my parents who have loved me fiercely and well).

So the grief I am feeling is at times joyful  but most of all overwhelming. It is like this lady is working on my heart all over again and it is becoming more open to my feelings...this is truely an undiscovered land for me. I need to let my grief for her come out and not sit on it...I owe that to her, to God and most of all to myself.