Handing it all to God...and not the Enemy...

Went to another prayer meeting about my issues last night and one thing came out of it all...

The need to pray a prayer that says 'God I put you in control, work with me to release my emotions.' A small part of me realises this, the bigger part of me doesn't want to because I am scared of the outcome. This led my friend to make an observation that startled me a little. He said 'The fact that you are weighing this up shows that you are doing so in faith.' I asked him to qualify this and he replied 'If you did not think that anything would happen when you prayed a prayer like that then you would pray it easily and not weigh up the consequences. The fact that you are actually shows you have faith that God will move in such a request - you are doing this from faith.'

This is an interesting observation, in a week that has been fraught with indecision and confusion (and, I am ashamed to admit, rejection of God). I sat there stunned to realise that my faith in God is as strong as ever. I have not become weak willed, or faithless...what I have been doing, is letting the evil (or Enemy...whatever name you may give it) talk to me and not God. This evil had convinced me that I was tired of this charade, this God, I was tired of looking at these issues and should stop - he even sent my two closest colleagues to be the outside voices in my head telling me that this isn't a good idea, and to just ignore the issue.

What a revelation - it is only as I type this that the truth of that revelation is hitting me. What a powerful feeling of light in the dark...a realisation (once again) that God has not left me this week, I have shut Him out! I have listened to the evil and tried to deal with this on my own - the upshot has been confusion and the inability to clear my head. I am tired simply because I have been running away from God and that has left my back uncovered for the Enemy to attack me.

Attack is a good word to describe how I have felt this week - attacked. Like I am getting it from all corners of my life and that different people have been telling me different things...I have not known where to turn. Strike that, I HAVE known where to turn, I just HAVEN'T turned to the Light.

I'm still reeling from that realisation... It gives me hope. I survived a week without allowing God access - imagine how lighter a week it will be with Him holding me up, using His strength and not mine!!

(As a sideline, being faithfilled and human is frustrating at times - all that I am realising now is not new, I know God is for me and that I believe in Him as my provider and protector, but my human side 'forgets' or tries to go it alone, or gets tricked by the evil...)


To try and convey all that I am understanding from this realisation:
1) God is good and never leaves us, we turn our back on Him
2) The evil/Enemy is a wily character that cleverly disguises himself as our own voice
3) I have no need to run, God has my back. He will be the strength I need when I don't have any. He will be the voice of comfort, if only I allow Him to be
4) God loves me regardless, not because I do, but because I am. If I can come to truely accept this so that its truth is in all of my decisions in life, then God will guide me down the right path. I may not like the path but it will always be the one I need to go down.
5) I am not alone in all of this. I have friends who are willing to walk with me, but most importantly, I have my God who is there, wherever I go.
6) My fear of cracking up and dissolving is just that - a fear! It will not happen because God will be there.
7) This is quite a scary one, one that even now with all of the above I am fighting to not type (!!). Even if this situation leads me to places and behaviours that I do not like (emotions etc...) and makes me vunerable (there is the big one) I have to TRUST in the Father. I have to wait on Him and allow me to go where He bids me...it is time to stop fighting God and time to fight the enemy.
8) I have been looking to earthly 'fathers' for my protection and provision. When these fathers have been found wanting I have surmised that I have no protector or provider and that I will have to be that...what a paltry portion that would be - my own provision and protection!! I have the Father who will be my Provider and Protector - I can drop that responsibility and simply give it to Him! How wonderful and what a weight has been lifted!
9) I need to up my prayer life - I need to pray out aloud more and verbalise what I feel to the Father. I need to ask Him for help and I need to get used to laying it all bare to Him. (As I type this I am struck that these are the words that my friends have been praying with me - I heard them but never HEARD them - they have prayed faithfully for my healing in many areas and God is good - I can be healed. Unfortunately, this healing has to be a process in order to be a full healing...I have to go through it to reconcile myself to it...)
10) The process does not have to be long and arduous. God will push me through it at whatever pace I can bear - for He promises not to bring more on to me than I can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13). I trust these words for the first time. I know that I cannot bear much alone, but with God...well...the possiblities are endless!

So there we go - needed to get that all down so that I can see it and so that I can refer to it because there will be days where my human-ness will get in the way of my healing and I will need to re-read and re-realise these things.

I don't know about you, but I'm off to pray...me AND God have got a lot of work to do, no time like the present...