'Oh there You are God!'

One of the most heartwarming scenes in a children's film comes in Hook when the littlest Lost Boy searches Robin Williams' face and after some time, breaks into a glorious smile and exclaims 'Oh there you are Peter!' This is exactly how I felt last night, in regard to God.

It is no secret that I struggle with my past. I also struggle with God's presence, or lack of it, to be precise. In addition, I have always felt pulled to The Footprints in the Sand poem. The part where the man says 'In my hardest times I looked back and saw only one set of footprints, where were you then?' And God replies, 'When there were only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.'

(I agree that this is thus far a little rambl-y...but stick with it, I have a point - and a very heartwarming one at that...)

If you put these three pieces of information together, it is a wonder that I have ever entered into a relationship with God because it shows that I do not trust Him to be there even if I do not feel Him...and moreover, it has lead to a deep seated anger at God for abandoning me in my time of need when I was very young. However, I do believe in God and I want, with all my heart, to follow Him and resolve some of my issues (because let's face it, they are mine and not His.)

Cue an impromptu talk with a friend last night...
I had had a word from God for this particular friend a while back and hadn't said anything because I wanted to be sure that it WAS a word and not anything else. Anyhoo, after ascertaining what a word from God is likely to look like, feel like and be tried against (Bible) I decided to share it with her. This lead to an excellent conversation about anger, suffering, heaven and hell and God absenteeism.
Whilst I have a small handle of the first four (by no means do I mean to say I understand them all fully, I don't) I have had no joy with the latter because I have always felt that God ignored me in my situation, even though I called directly to Him, and even if He didn't, He let it continue. So when she asked about God's place in my situation, what followed cannot have been my words, as I had none...

I found myself explaining to her that because something instant didn't happen to relieve me of the situation I was in, I had always thought God had sat by and watched the situation unfold. BUT, I realise that actually I did get out of the situation, out of a situation that it seemed I would be in for years, at the very least! It was then that I heard my voice say 'God heard me and saw the situation and knew that I was not the only one who needed rescuing, He could have handpicked me moved me in an instant but He knew that I needed my family and that they needed to come with me. So God took the time to soften my mother's heart, to show her where things were going wrong and to give her the strength to stand up to her nemesis. That way my removal from the situation would be permanent. Only when this had all happened did God know that I would be safe forever.'

Now I don't know about you, but that last sentence seems very well informed and thought out for it to be only me talking about something in which I have struggled to see the wood for the trees. So I have to conclude that even though I was trying to explain something to my friend, God used it to communicate with me.

I felt like I had been looking deep into my situation, like the Lost Boy looked into Peter's face, and suddenly broke out into a glorious smile, exclaiming 'Oh there You are God!' I believe that that is what freedom must feel like.

I may not be there yet but I am on my way!! Hallelujah