Dreams...and thoughts...continued...

The last three days have been strange in a wonderfully heart breaking way. I realise the oxymoron in this but they have been days of pure devastation in facing realities I would rather run from and they have been days of pure unadulterated joy at the realisation that God is for me and will never, or indeed has never, left my side.

In some ways I feel like I am at rock bottom, and if I focus on this for too long I can't actually see a way out of the long drudery of the path I am having to take - this is represented in my mind as dull, lifeless grey. In other ways I feel giddy, like I am at the start of a new relationship, not one where I feel I have to impress, but one where I am flumoxed as to why they would love me but delight in it all the same, this is repressented by a plethora of bright and vibrant colours.

Now I realise that this probably makes me sound like a person on the brink of a psychotic personality episode, but bear with me...I think it is quite normal in the situation (as normal as I am ever going to be!)

I am at a bit of a crossroads in my healing, I think. Where I have to make the conscious decision to follow God again and put my trust in Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. I did this when I became a Christian and now I must do it again. Only this time it feels like I am less blind to God's love, but more blind to the outcome of this love. I am scared, no two ways about it, petrified may be the actual word...nevertheless I do not want to live in the greys of creation, I want to live in full colour - I can only do that with God.

For too long my filter has been one of pain and confusion, secrets and lies - this is what I have looked at the world through and now I am getting a glimpse of how the world may look without this filter in the lense - my goodness it is bright!

This in no means, means that I am healed and whole. Far from it. I have a very steep hill to climb. In fact, a rock face - one that would be impossible on my own and I suppose I am beginning to realise that in some small way. My resources are not enough - I did what I could to survive and now I have to back track and deal with the stuff that was, and remains, too much for me alone. Knowing that I was never able to deal with it alone has released me a little - it has made me less frustrated with myself (although still frustrated by the situation). If I could not deal with this on my own, then it follows that I should do so now that I have found Jesus and can rely on His strength and fortitude...I don't feel like I am bracktracking and 'moping' so much now. Just that I am now properly resourced to proceed.

So back to the dream of the previous post.

The concrete pillars on the floor that represent lies, hatred and unforgiveness - I don't think that it is any coincidence that they were grey and in the way. On the floor no less, where they can trip me and stop me from moving forward to the light. Made of stone that is unfeeling and cold. Everything about these pillars in my dream was negative.
Although I have alluded to all three of these issues in this blog from time to time, I had never really truly looked at my main hurdles in order of priority and named them so obviously in a list together. It seems so obvious now that this would be the best place to start!

I believe that the dream gave me the order of attack on these three issues.

The root of all of my hatred and unforgiveness is lies. Lies that were told to me, lies that I believed and lies that continue to have power over me. (Only a couple of weeks ago I had to speak out the lies so that we could renounce them in the name of Jesus - it is only since then that I have begun to be aware of just how many lies I have taken on as truth - in fact I now have a new list of lies that need renouncing!) Lies seem to be the power base of the situation.
The outcome of these lies is hatred. Hatred of others, of God, and mostly, of myself. Hatred because I believe some of the lies and now a hatred because I am realising that they were lies. This is twofold - firstly, I am now full of hate for the person/people who fed me these lies in the first place and secondly, I hate myself for believing them and not acting on them, not questioning them. Lies definitely lead to hatred.
And hatred leads to only one place - unforgiveness. This is aimed at the groups that I am angry at. So, the lie tellers, God and me. Unforgiveness is by far the most divisive force I have ever come across and it is tenacious. When that unforgiveness if for yourself - it is soul destroying in the most massive sense. Knowing something and feeling something are, for me, two completely spearate things. My unforgiveness is by far my biggest stumbling block.

Now, if I look at the three pillars, it is fair to say that I now have a starting place. I have been focusing on the unforgiveness without realising that I have other issues to deal with before I reach that point (in short I have been trying to run before I can walk). I thought that forgiveness had to be the key and therefore first. It can't be. Simple as that. I cannot forgive without first finding the lies I believe and then being justifiably angry about them. Although I am not yet comfortable with the idea, I cannot move forward over these concrete pillars without feeling anger and expressing it.

The dream therefore is essentially a plan. You cannot go into battle without a plan - basic warfare rules,  if you want to be successful. And I do. I had been trying to fight without a plan - and lets face it, this is a pretty big battle - the whole good vs. evil thing. A plan is what was needed - and God knew that. He knew that I felt overwhelmed and unable to see the light and He gave me a plan of action. God is good.

The preceeding part of the dream has significance too. The song that my friend sang was one of God's love for me and of redemption. The latter is the goal of this battle - my redemption from my sin and from others' sin. The former is a reminder that God allows this by His grace and love for ME. Poor, little, seemingly insignificant me. I still gaze in wonder at the cross, knowing that Jesus did that for me and me alone and at the same time, for everyone. Awesome does not cut it.

As I am writing this I am reminded of the previous dreams to this one. They were the usual nightmares of every night. Horrible, scary and evil. One part that stayed with me the most was the following:

I had marks all over my body, like tiny little indentations. I could have left them and they would have been fine, but one of them on my arm was really starting to bug me so I decided to squeeze it, not expecting anything to happen.
However, as I squeezed it I saw something tiny emerge from it. I couldn't grab it and so I squeezed some more and before I knew it a beige/orange creature that looked like a cross between a spikey caterpillar and a millipede came out. I was disgusted and because I didn't want it to escape and hide I decided to squash it against my arm. When I looked at the squashed creature I didn't see what I expected.There wasn't a dead carcass, instead there were hundreds of littler versions of the same creature in varying sizes scurring round.

I think the potential meaning of this is obvious.
1) Whatever is inside of me has to come out because it is starting to bug me
2) What comes out is not nice and I want to squash it and kill it straight away
3) When I 'kill' the feeling/issue and inspect it further, there are many other smaller issues that need looking at individually first. The big things are made up of smaller things.

Unforgiveness may have been that first creature, but there is so much more to it than first meets the eye.

I did warn you that I had a lot of thoughts on the dream...I prayed that God would push me in the areas that I needed pushing in and that He would show me what to do and how to start to move towards healing.

So I guess I will start with the lies...