I had a picture at Church...

...and I didn't share it...

And now I am aggrieved with myself for not sharing it as if it was mine to withhold! Someone brought a word about scum in bath water and how this was a sign of the sin within us being washed away by Christ's living water...and at the same time as the guy was talking I had a picture pop into my head...

It was of a white surface, maybe tiles on a wall or a white table. This surface had muddy marks on it. There were two dishcloths nearby. A hand picked up the first dishcloth that looked a little grubby and tried to clean off the grubby marks to no avail. This dishcloth simply spread the dirt and left a bigger, albeit diluted, stain. The hand then disgarded the first dishcloth and picked up the second. This dishcloth was pure white, as if new. When this came into contact with the stains it simply digested them, enveloped them...the only visible change was that the bright cloth became a little dirtier...but no matter how dirty it became it still had the same effect on any stains it wiped up.

I felt the message was simple. The first cloth stood for the person that you rely on to sort your problems for you, or with you. For me that would be my mother. This person has the ability to spread the problem (dirt) over a wider area and dilute it so that we are able to see through it. But they are not able to clean it all away. This is because they have their problems and sin and this prevents them from wiping up our mess, because their dirt can have the added effect of making us dirtier, even if the intention is to clean.
The second cloth is Jesus. Pure, white, sinless Christ. With Jesus we can have our problems/sin/dirt wiped clean away. Jesus took our sin on the cross and so when we allow Jesus to wipe us clean we are infact, simply acknowledging all that He has ALREADY done for us. He can soak up ANY sin if we allow Him to - He does not taint, He does not smudge, He erases.

As I write this I feel that God may be talking directly to me on this matter. My main struggle currently is wishing that my mother could take away my pain and make everything better. I know in my heart that this is not the case but it hasn't stopped me wishing it. This illustration from God is a reminder that I should stop looking to my mother for answers that she is unable to give. And more to the point, advice from my mother on this matter would be tainted by her own experiences and feelings...so therefore, it wouldn't be that useful in the long run - a short term fix as it were. Only Jesus can advise me and wipe me clean - in fact, He already has...I just have to recieve that again I suppose.

Last week God reminded me not to look to my earthly fathers for protection and provision, this week He is telling me not to look to my earthly mother for guidance and support...for all of these things I should look to my heavenly Father...bit by bit God is breaking down my walls and misconceptions...makes you wonder what will be left. I suspect it will be nothing but God - which in turn, is EVERYTHING...

Good to check the emphasis once in a while...

Grief is a strange thing...

Further to my last post, I have been spending a lot of my time in my past. In the memories of a childhood spent with friends and in a circle of love that I had forgotten. Those times were so special to me, they were where I got to reclaim some of what I had lost and where I felt safe - away from any harm. What wonderful memories I have! And what wonderful friends I made...friendships that are continued (although more distant as time moves on) and now feel stronger because we are bonded by the same grief.

It makes the sorrow of a life ended, bittersweet. The end of this lady's life means that she is no longer in pain which is worth the pain that I am now feeling, any day of the week. For this I am thankful and rejoice. I am also blessed with memory upon memory of this woman's kindness and compassion and the opportunities that she has afforded all of her 'children'. It is in no means an exaggeration to say that I would not be the person I am today without this woman's influence...I simply wouldn't. She took me under her wing when I needed it and kept me there throughout my teenage years which could have swallowed me up in selfishness and bitterness had she not taught me that there is joy in serving others. This is her legacy. I have continued to serve others for their benefit, sure, but really it is I who benefit. And now I am able to tell people that it is because of God's grace and Jesus' sacrifice on the cross that I have the strength to serve others - it is in His strength.

This lady helped, not to soften my heart as such, but to stop it from reaching a totally solid state. Yes, it became hardened, but the joy of serving and the love that she and her husband showed me helped my heart to stay in a condition that allowed my redemption years later. If I did not have that to fall back on then I am not sure I would have had the capability to let God in. (I have also had great foundations from my parents who have loved me fiercely and well).

So the grief I am feeling is at times joyful  but most of all overwhelming. It is like this lady is working on my heart all over again and it is becoming more open to my feelings...this is truely an undiscovered land for me. I need to let my grief for her come out and not sit on it...I owe that to her, to God and most of all to myself.

Dubious...

I found out that a woman who shaped my life immeasurably when I was younger had died on Friday. Just before I fell asleep I got the message. And I wasn't ready for the grief that has followed.

Let me backtrack a bit...
This lady was a youth leader of sorts and devoted her life to helping others, particularly children and their families. She was also the strongest woman I have ever known. It wasn't until I heard of her death that I realised that I saw her as a sort of protector when I was younger, a person who could stand, and would stand up against anyone. She was also the only person that could ever see through my facade - and when I was younger told me that she knew I was unhappy. That was all she said, but the sense of gratitude I felt toward her for simply noticing (even though, paradoxically, I didn't want anyone to know I was unhappy) was overwhelming and consequently I can remember that exact exchange as if it was yesterday.

I haven't seen this lady for years, for a variety of reasons, add to that the fact that we knew she was ill (although it was a very quick decline at the end) I did not expect to feel the way that I am feeling. Sad, lost and most of all vunerable.

On Friday, before I found out, I was at another prayer session praying over my issues and God led the focus of that session to unplugging my emotions. I was encouraged to pray directly to God and tell Him my fears and worries and ask for His help. Which I did.

I have an overriding sense that God is turning the death of this lady to His glory by making it the corkscrew for releasing the stop on my emotions. I do not mean in any way that God has sacrificed this lady for my healing, just simply that this feels like it might be the start of the release because I am finding it difficult to keep a hold on my emotions...suddenly all that I have been feeling in the background has zoomed forward in the foreground and I can't seem to see around them. It's like they are dancing in front of my face, mocking my attempts to ignore them.

Bearing all of this in mind....Church seems like a very scary prospect today. As I have said before in this blog, Church is very disarming and when I last felt vunerable and went to Church it lead to a very emotional day.

I have known for a while that my healing will be through tears. They will be the starting point, God has been consistent on that one. Today I continue to feel completely out of control of my emotions. The tent pegs aren't holding the canvas down and all of my thoughts, worries and memories are flooding out...it really is quite overwhelming.

Add to that, the music. Once that music starts to play at Church I am undone on a 'strong' day (or should that say weak?)

So as the post title says...I feel dubious...

I've been away for a while...what has been happening...

I have had a weird two weeks since I last posted...I have spent most of it ill in one way or another. First I had a stomach bug, then a virus and then a stiff neck that lasted one very long week. To say that I have felt attacked physically is an understatement. Today I feel better than I have for ages...I had prayer for my neck last night and woke up for it to be a lot looser - Praise the Lord.

The upshot of the stiff neck is that I have been prescribed some drugs which I think are fairly extreme (Diazapam) but was willing to take for any relief earlier this week! However, these drugs are strange and have had a strange effect of making me feel spaced out at work. This on top of the pain in my neck has meant that I have had a week where I have simply made it through the day in a floaty sort of way.

As ever I am inclined to think that all the physical symptoms are a sign of emotional trauma - simply because there is no other explanation and I feel that God is telling me so. It's like He is sat next to me in all His power and humility shaking His head and tutting, saying 'My child, if only you would let Me in. If only you would recieve my Holy Spirit and be healed. Then you would no longer have these random symptoms, for all that you are fighting against would be released to Me. I would take your pain in a heartbeat.'
This message has been peaking in and out of my mind for the last few days and I have heard it from a distance. Seeing it written down makes me want to cry...although I probably won't - more fool me.

It does however, remind of another interesting encounter with God that I have had via a friend. This friend said on his facebook status that Psalm 91 was really speaking to him and to read it and if it spoke to you to like the status and he would pray for you. I did read the Psalm (out of curiousity really as the Bible still remains a fascinating thing to me and I like to read it when I feel I am being guided to a particular part.) It did strike me, especially :

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
   will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

   my God, in whom I trust.”

 and,

 ⁹ If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
   and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
   no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
   to guard you in all your ways; 

The message seemed clear - a repetition of the same message I have heard almost daily recently, TRUST in the Lord and make Him your REFUGE.
So I 'liked' the status.

A couple of days later I recieved a message in my Facebook inbox from the friend. He said that he felt God saying that He was for me and that He never leaves me. Then he said that he wasn't sure if this made sense but that God wanted me to know that He was present especially at night and that He didn't rest or slumber but stayed right there.

Night is my most feared time. It is full of nightmares. I had not slept properly for four weeks because of this. What a blessing this word was! It was exactly what I wanted to hear and more than that...it came from a source that has no inkling of my current distresses and so could not have been 'influenced' in any way. What a testimony to tell to unbelievers!! And what a comfort it has been to me for the past week - although the neck issue has ensured that I have not slept as much as I perhaps could have!

Last point to sum up the week. Today, I was approached by a pupil who informed me that they had recently started to attend church and that had some questions about it all. Another teacher (their head of year in fact) had suggested that they come to see me and ask if I would chat it over with them! How amazing! There are many reasons as to why this is amazing that I cannot go into on here except to say that I must be more open about my faith than I realise for a colleague to suggest me to a pupil. When I asked the colleague, they simply said that they did not have the answers but they knew who might, and so suggested me.This pleases me, almost as much as being in the right place to help introduce God's love to this pupil. I have a good relationship with this pupil, even though they are no longer in my class and have always wondered why they had warmed to me more than others - I guess God has plans for now and plans for later...He will turn everything to His glory.

I pray Lord that YOU will give me the words to say to this pupil that will help to edify and reveal to them Your divine love and care so that they may live with Your peace and Holy Spirit in their heart. Amen

My reaction to a Pagan wedding,,,

I pride myself on being open minded and tolerant of peoples' right to believe what they like and live in any way that they so choose. So my reaction to my friend's news that she has been invited to a Pagan wedding surprised me.

My friend said that she had recieved an invitation from her partners cousins inviting them to a Pagan wedding where they would be calling on the Anglo-saxons and Gods...and my reaction was one of 'Well I could not go.'
This surprises me on two levels....

Firstly, as a keen pupil of religion and faith, I have always been interested in anything new and different and something like this would have been exciting to me in the (not so distant) past. The idea that I could go and observe something that was not an everyday occurance would have had me jumping out of my seat!!

Secondly, my feeling towards it was totally negative because I felt it was evil and wrong. Now I am not suggesting that these people don't have the right to have this wedding, of course they do - simply that I would not be able to go to this wedding if they were my friends.The people at the table with me asked why and all I could say was that the calling on people of the past and Gods felt demonic and wrong to me. I would feel open to attack if I was to go to such a ceremony.

So back to my original idea. I do believe that I am open minded and tolerant because I will always protest a person's right to personal views etc...but I believe that God must be changing me from the inside out because more and more my first thought on anything is God. I feel like I am seeing the world through the Holy Spirit more and more. I also think that some of my tolerance in the past has actually been cowardice. Easier to say it's fine for everyone than say that I believe something specific.

Today I was brave - I explained to the people around me that I couldn't attend a Pagan ceremony because God and Jesus were absent and it was in them and the Holy Spirit that I put my trust.

This in itself is new on me - but I intend to keep it up - to be a beacon to the people that I work with so that they may know God's love and Jesus' sacrifice for them.

Thankful...strange!

Just a quick one - had a thought today and as it surprised me, I thought I would share it.

I was watching the news, there was lots on the horrors in Japan, the nuclear emergency there as well, Libya and the now unfolding issues in Bahrain and I was struck by just how much of a mess the world is in. These sorts of things have been a source of depression for me in the past - not a personal depression, but one for the world at large. However, today my first thoughts were of the book of Revelations that talks about the end times. I got a feeling that the state the world is in currently is a small picture, a droplet in the sea as it were, of what the end times will be. And yet still I was not depressed. I was thankful!!

Thankful that I am with God, I am in His hands! I am saved through Jesus' blood on the cross. Thankful that I need not fear the end times or death, that God has me in the Book of Life...!

If anything the overriding feeling was one of stimulus to action. I want others to know this love and reassurance - I don't want to be one of those 'believe this or go to hell' type of Christians but a 'be loved and secure in Christ' type of Christian. I want to help those people affected by all the madness in the world and I can think of nothing better than giving them the opportunity to find Jesus. So therefore, I pray. Not because it is something superficial that I can do, but because it is EVERYTHING.

'And God shall wipe away ALL tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.'

Revelation 21:4

A timely reminder?

Dreams...and thoughts...continued...

The last three days have been strange in a wonderfully heart breaking way. I realise the oxymoron in this but they have been days of pure devastation in facing realities I would rather run from and they have been days of pure unadulterated joy at the realisation that God is for me and will never, or indeed has never, left my side.

In some ways I feel like I am at rock bottom, and if I focus on this for too long I can't actually see a way out of the long drudery of the path I am having to take - this is represented in my mind as dull, lifeless grey. In other ways I feel giddy, like I am at the start of a new relationship, not one where I feel I have to impress, but one where I am flumoxed as to why they would love me but delight in it all the same, this is repressented by a plethora of bright and vibrant colours.

Now I realise that this probably makes me sound like a person on the brink of a psychotic personality episode, but bear with me...I think it is quite normal in the situation (as normal as I am ever going to be!)

I am at a bit of a crossroads in my healing, I think. Where I have to make the conscious decision to follow God again and put my trust in Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. I did this when I became a Christian and now I must do it again. Only this time it feels like I am less blind to God's love, but more blind to the outcome of this love. I am scared, no two ways about it, petrified may be the actual word...nevertheless I do not want to live in the greys of creation, I want to live in full colour - I can only do that with God.

For too long my filter has been one of pain and confusion, secrets and lies - this is what I have looked at the world through and now I am getting a glimpse of how the world may look without this filter in the lense - my goodness it is bright!

This in no means, means that I am healed and whole. Far from it. I have a very steep hill to climb. In fact, a rock face - one that would be impossible on my own and I suppose I am beginning to realise that in some small way. My resources are not enough - I did what I could to survive and now I have to back track and deal with the stuff that was, and remains, too much for me alone. Knowing that I was never able to deal with it alone has released me a little - it has made me less frustrated with myself (although still frustrated by the situation). If I could not deal with this on my own, then it follows that I should do so now that I have found Jesus and can rely on His strength and fortitude...I don't feel like I am bracktracking and 'moping' so much now. Just that I am now properly resourced to proceed.

So back to the dream of the previous post.

The concrete pillars on the floor that represent lies, hatred and unforgiveness - I don't think that it is any coincidence that they were grey and in the way. On the floor no less, where they can trip me and stop me from moving forward to the light. Made of stone that is unfeeling and cold. Everything about these pillars in my dream was negative.
Although I have alluded to all three of these issues in this blog from time to time, I had never really truly looked at my main hurdles in order of priority and named them so obviously in a list together. It seems so obvious now that this would be the best place to start!

I believe that the dream gave me the order of attack on these three issues.

The root of all of my hatred and unforgiveness is lies. Lies that were told to me, lies that I believed and lies that continue to have power over me. (Only a couple of weeks ago I had to speak out the lies so that we could renounce them in the name of Jesus - it is only since then that I have begun to be aware of just how many lies I have taken on as truth - in fact I now have a new list of lies that need renouncing!) Lies seem to be the power base of the situation.
The outcome of these lies is hatred. Hatred of others, of God, and mostly, of myself. Hatred because I believe some of the lies and now a hatred because I am realising that they were lies. This is twofold - firstly, I am now full of hate for the person/people who fed me these lies in the first place and secondly, I hate myself for believing them and not acting on them, not questioning them. Lies definitely lead to hatred.
And hatred leads to only one place - unforgiveness. This is aimed at the groups that I am angry at. So, the lie tellers, God and me. Unforgiveness is by far the most divisive force I have ever come across and it is tenacious. When that unforgiveness if for yourself - it is soul destroying in the most massive sense. Knowing something and feeling something are, for me, two completely spearate things. My unforgiveness is by far my biggest stumbling block.

Now, if I look at the three pillars, it is fair to say that I now have a starting place. I have been focusing on the unforgiveness without realising that I have other issues to deal with before I reach that point (in short I have been trying to run before I can walk). I thought that forgiveness had to be the key and therefore first. It can't be. Simple as that. I cannot forgive without first finding the lies I believe and then being justifiably angry about them. Although I am not yet comfortable with the idea, I cannot move forward over these concrete pillars without feeling anger and expressing it.

The dream therefore is essentially a plan. You cannot go into battle without a plan - basic warfare rules,  if you want to be successful. And I do. I had been trying to fight without a plan - and lets face it, this is a pretty big battle - the whole good vs. evil thing. A plan is what was needed - and God knew that. He knew that I felt overwhelmed and unable to see the light and He gave me a plan of action. God is good.

The preceeding part of the dream has significance too. The song that my friend sang was one of God's love for me and of redemption. The latter is the goal of this battle - my redemption from my sin and from others' sin. The former is a reminder that God allows this by His grace and love for ME. Poor, little, seemingly insignificant me. I still gaze in wonder at the cross, knowing that Jesus did that for me and me alone and at the same time, for everyone. Awesome does not cut it.

As I am writing this I am reminded of the previous dreams to this one. They were the usual nightmares of every night. Horrible, scary and evil. One part that stayed with me the most was the following:

I had marks all over my body, like tiny little indentations. I could have left them and they would have been fine, but one of them on my arm was really starting to bug me so I decided to squeeze it, not expecting anything to happen.
However, as I squeezed it I saw something tiny emerge from it. I couldn't grab it and so I squeezed some more and before I knew it a beige/orange creature that looked like a cross between a spikey caterpillar and a millipede came out. I was disgusted and because I didn't want it to escape and hide I decided to squash it against my arm. When I looked at the squashed creature I didn't see what I expected.There wasn't a dead carcass, instead there were hundreds of littler versions of the same creature in varying sizes scurring round.

I think the potential meaning of this is obvious.
1) Whatever is inside of me has to come out because it is starting to bug me
2) What comes out is not nice and I want to squash it and kill it straight away
3) When I 'kill' the feeling/issue and inspect it further, there are many other smaller issues that need looking at individually first. The big things are made up of smaller things.

Unforgiveness may have been that first creature, but there is so much more to it than first meets the eye.

I did warn you that I had a lot of thoughts on the dream...I prayed that God would push me in the areas that I needed pushing in and that He would show me what to do and how to start to move towards healing.

So I guess I will start with the lies...

Dreams...and thoughts

I had a dream last night and although I can't quite remember all the details I have some of them on lockdown. So before I forget them in the rush of the day, here they are:

My friend was praying for me and sang a spontaneous song of worship, the made-up-on-the-spot kind. It was wonderful. Unfortunately I cannot remember the words except that it spoke of God's love for me and repeated the word 'redemption'.

When I woke up at this point I was still able to remember the words and so lay in bed singing them in a half awake/half asleep state. It was then that I had a picture in my mind of three very long, heavy, circular concrete poles. They were lying on the floor, in the way. I then felt God say that these represent my three biggest obstacles:
1) Lies
2) Hatred
3) Unforgiveness

I have SO many thoughts on all of this but I have to dash for now. I will revisit this later after Church - when I am sure I will have more clarity (although the message is quite simple really don't you think?!)

I prayed to be opened to God - I guess He is delivering!

Human-ness...

What Jesus promises...

Handing it all to God...and not the Enemy...

Went to another prayer meeting about my issues last night and one thing came out of it all...

The need to pray a prayer that says 'God I put you in control, work with me to release my emotions.' A small part of me realises this, the bigger part of me doesn't want to because I am scared of the outcome. This led my friend to make an observation that startled me a little. He said 'The fact that you are weighing this up shows that you are doing so in faith.' I asked him to qualify this and he replied 'If you did not think that anything would happen when you prayed a prayer like that then you would pray it easily and not weigh up the consequences. The fact that you are actually shows you have faith that God will move in such a request - you are doing this from faith.'

This is an interesting observation, in a week that has been fraught with indecision and confusion (and, I am ashamed to admit, rejection of God). I sat there stunned to realise that my faith in God is as strong as ever. I have not become weak willed, or faithless...what I have been doing, is letting the evil (or Enemy...whatever name you may give it) talk to me and not God. This evil had convinced me that I was tired of this charade, this God, I was tired of looking at these issues and should stop - he even sent my two closest colleagues to be the outside voices in my head telling me that this isn't a good idea, and to just ignore the issue.

What a revelation - it is only as I type this that the truth of that revelation is hitting me. What a powerful feeling of light in the dark...a realisation (once again) that God has not left me this week, I have shut Him out! I have listened to the evil and tried to deal with this on my own - the upshot has been confusion and the inability to clear my head. I am tired simply because I have been running away from God and that has left my back uncovered for the Enemy to attack me.

Attack is a good word to describe how I have felt this week - attacked. Like I am getting it from all corners of my life and that different people have been telling me different things...I have not known where to turn. Strike that, I HAVE known where to turn, I just HAVEN'T turned to the Light.

I'm still reeling from that realisation... It gives me hope. I survived a week without allowing God access - imagine how lighter a week it will be with Him holding me up, using His strength and not mine!!

(As a sideline, being faithfilled and human is frustrating at times - all that I am realising now is not new, I know God is for me and that I believe in Him as my provider and protector, but my human side 'forgets' or tries to go it alone, or gets tricked by the evil...)


To try and convey all that I am understanding from this realisation:
1) God is good and never leaves us, we turn our back on Him
2) The evil/Enemy is a wily character that cleverly disguises himself as our own voice
3) I have no need to run, God has my back. He will be the strength I need when I don't have any. He will be the voice of comfort, if only I allow Him to be
4) God loves me regardless, not because I do, but because I am. If I can come to truely accept this so that its truth is in all of my decisions in life, then God will guide me down the right path. I may not like the path but it will always be the one I need to go down.
5) I am not alone in all of this. I have friends who are willing to walk with me, but most importantly, I have my God who is there, wherever I go.
6) My fear of cracking up and dissolving is just that - a fear! It will not happen because God will be there.
7) This is quite a scary one, one that even now with all of the above I am fighting to not type (!!). Even if this situation leads me to places and behaviours that I do not like (emotions etc...) and makes me vunerable (there is the big one) I have to TRUST in the Father. I have to wait on Him and allow me to go where He bids me...it is time to stop fighting God and time to fight the enemy.
8) I have been looking to earthly 'fathers' for my protection and provision. When these fathers have been found wanting I have surmised that I have no protector or provider and that I will have to be that...what a paltry portion that would be - my own provision and protection!! I have the Father who will be my Provider and Protector - I can drop that responsibility and simply give it to Him! How wonderful and what a weight has been lifted!
9) I need to up my prayer life - I need to pray out aloud more and verbalise what I feel to the Father. I need to ask Him for help and I need to get used to laying it all bare to Him. (As I type this I am struck that these are the words that my friends have been praying with me - I heard them but never HEARD them - they have prayed faithfully for my healing in many areas and God is good - I can be healed. Unfortunately, this healing has to be a process in order to be a full healing...I have to go through it to reconcile myself to it...)
10) The process does not have to be long and arduous. God will push me through it at whatever pace I can bear - for He promises not to bring more on to me than I can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13). I trust these words for the first time. I know that I cannot bear much alone, but with God...well...the possiblities are endless!

So there we go - needed to get that all down so that I can see it and so that I can refer to it because there will be days where my human-ness will get in the way of my healing and I will need to re-read and re-realise these things.

I don't know about you, but I'm off to pray...me AND God have got a lot of work to do, no time like the present...

For the fleeting moments that I hold on to in these times...

I may be struggling at the moment but I have been in God's presence (albeit fleetingly). These song lyrics represent a prayer. My prayer. That I will no longer live in a place where I momentarily feel God's presence, but in a place where I am living in His presence...this is my hope...that I will see me through His eyes.

“But now, this is what the LORD says—He who created you, O Jacob, he who has formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.'" 

Isaiah 43:1.

I'm a little flummoxed...

So, I thought I better tell someone at work that I am struggling a bit - not the detail just that I am a little out to sea with everything...

Bad move.

The person asked why I have to deal with any of it at all, and instead of letting it rule over me I should just put it back in its little box and esentially ignore it. They said that keeping on top of it is a good thing. They also said I had been doing well with it all and that it hadn't reared it's head for nearly five years...if only they knew.
They also said that it was silly not to tell anyone close to me and that I should see a professional rather than Church friends.

I know that this person has my best interests at heart and meant well but our conversation has added to the confusion...

Firstly, am I being silly pushing forward in this stuff? They asked 'Why do you have to deal with it now?' and I was at a loss to explain that I would rather not, if I had a choice I would do anything other than all of this but my mind, body and God have different ideas. Also, ignoring it does not make it go away, it just makes it that bit harder the next time it raises its head. Although the thought of not having my head in a confused buzz of broken heartedness is lovely...

Secondly, I found myself a little agrieved with this person...they represent the voice in my head that is continually there - the temptation of taking the 'easy' road to oblivion - of giving up.

It has been a tough week...I feel under attack and the conversation today is an illustration of this. I have been ill, twitching again and dealing with the vilest of voices questioning everything. My head is so full of argument and hate and I am reaching the pinnacle of what I feel I can deal with. It is constant.

Father, help me
Help me to push through
Help me to keep going
Help me to set my eyes on You
Amen

So that's new...*not uplifting in the slightest*

I am ill.

But I am not ill, ill...I had promised myself that I would push through all of this and that I would NOT succumb to days off. My body had other ideas. Come 4 o'clock this morning it had had enough. I woke up feeling sick and tired and generally ergh...and I haven't stopped feeling it. So I had to take the day off and I am now annoyed. More so because it looks like I might not feel better by tomorrow...but I don't want to have more time off.

It's not that I have a horrible boss or anything it's just that it is harder to carry on through this if I'm not busy. If I am alone with myself I think. And I don't want to think.

But God does want me to think I suppose. Or my body has just reached the end of it's tether (to quote Sunday's service). So back to the old favourite...let stuff go and move into pain and through it, OR... hold on to it all and be sick and stay put.

I realise that this seems like a no-brainer...and on a cognitive level it is, but on a heart level it isn't. I feel like I'm falling apart right now and I haven't even ventured to that place...

I know the message I continually hear is 'Trust God' and I want to but I don't really feel like I am in that place at the moment - really I want to run away from it all...but how can you run from yourself?

I know, I know, I am sick of listening to myself too

What a day...

The title of this post says it all really...it must rate as one of the most emotionally tiring days of my life...

Last night I recieved an email regarding something to do with Church. The content of the email was not the issue, it was the tone of it. It wasn't addressed to me per se, I was cc'd. When I recieved the email (straight to my phone) I began reading it without a seond thought to what it might be about. What followed was a feeling I have never had before...the attitude that the email had been written in was very familiar...I could not put my finger on it but I felt something of upset, dread and a full on knee-quaking fear all rolled into one. (Even now I am struggling to convey the feeling....suffice to say that all I wanted to do was run - away from my life, from my past, from me.)

So when I got up this morning and went to Church, it was not without some trepidation...Church has a very disarming quality - the presence of God and the worship has me almost crumbling most weeks - I was not looking forward to going to Church, already as disarmed as I can ever remember being.

But I did.

Now what I haven't said thus far is that with the feeling of dread came the knowledge that there was something that I knew but was just out of my reach - a truth that I would rather forget...when the speaker in church encouraged us to open up to God and accept His invitation to minister to the weary, I had no more energy to fight. It was not a conscious decision, I had no more reserves. I let God in. I remembered.

This had the effect of winding me twice as much as the email had.

At the end of the service there was an invitation to prayer...I wasn't going to go until my friend, who is having struggles of her own, came past me and said 'Are you going up?' took one look at me and answered it herself with a 'yes'. So up I went.

I recieved prayer from a variety of people and words regarding God's strength and love for me, and encouragement that God wants me to hand it all over to Him. I heard them all...yet still fought to regain control over the silent tears that continued to fall. One friend then said that she had a picture of me as a pipe that was twisted and full of kinks. She said that God would undo those kinks one by one and allow the flow to be resumed and that He would do it slowly and allow me to continue, it would not be an all or nothing sort of thing. I have long considered myself to be a mess of twisted knots so this made complete sense.I will have to trust God to untie them at the right pace I suppose...although this is a downright scary thought.

After gaining a little normality in conversations I left church and spent the day helping a friend to gain some order in her house. I often find service is a great medicine to emotional upset - at least it is for me.

So I am now left reeling. I believe that I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit today (for more than a fleeting glance), that in itself has to be worth a couple of posts (!!) but more so, I am left with the new knowledge and not sure what to do with it. I believe that this is what it is to feel truely heartbroken.

'Oh there You are God!'

One of the most heartwarming scenes in a children's film comes in Hook when the littlest Lost Boy searches Robin Williams' face and after some time, breaks into a glorious smile and exclaims 'Oh there you are Peter!' This is exactly how I felt last night, in regard to God.

It is no secret that I struggle with my past. I also struggle with God's presence, or lack of it, to be precise. In addition, I have always felt pulled to The Footprints in the Sand poem. The part where the man says 'In my hardest times I looked back and saw only one set of footprints, where were you then?' And God replies, 'When there were only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.'

(I agree that this is thus far a little rambl-y...but stick with it, I have a point - and a very heartwarming one at that...)

If you put these three pieces of information together, it is a wonder that I have ever entered into a relationship with God because it shows that I do not trust Him to be there even if I do not feel Him...and moreover, it has lead to a deep seated anger at God for abandoning me in my time of need when I was very young. However, I do believe in God and I want, with all my heart, to follow Him and resolve some of my issues (because let's face it, they are mine and not His.)

Cue an impromptu talk with a friend last night...
I had had a word from God for this particular friend a while back and hadn't said anything because I wanted to be sure that it WAS a word and not anything else. Anyhoo, after ascertaining what a word from God is likely to look like, feel like and be tried against (Bible) I decided to share it with her. This lead to an excellent conversation about anger, suffering, heaven and hell and God absenteeism.
Whilst I have a small handle of the first four (by no means do I mean to say I understand them all fully, I don't) I have had no joy with the latter because I have always felt that God ignored me in my situation, even though I called directly to Him, and even if He didn't, He let it continue. So when she asked about God's place in my situation, what followed cannot have been my words, as I had none...

I found myself explaining to her that because something instant didn't happen to relieve me of the situation I was in, I had always thought God had sat by and watched the situation unfold. BUT, I realise that actually I did get out of the situation, out of a situation that it seemed I would be in for years, at the very least! It was then that I heard my voice say 'God heard me and saw the situation and knew that I was not the only one who needed rescuing, He could have handpicked me moved me in an instant but He knew that I needed my family and that they needed to come with me. So God took the time to soften my mother's heart, to show her where things were going wrong and to give her the strength to stand up to her nemesis. That way my removal from the situation would be permanent. Only when this had all happened did God know that I would be safe forever.'

Now I don't know about you, but that last sentence seems very well informed and thought out for it to be only me talking about something in which I have struggled to see the wood for the trees. So I have to conclude that even though I was trying to explain something to my friend, God used it to communicate with me.

I felt like I had been looking deep into my situation, like the Lost Boy looked into Peter's face, and suddenly broke out into a glorious smile, exclaiming 'Oh there You are God!' I believe that that is what freedom must feel like.

I may not be there yet but I am on my way!! Hallelujah

Musing on the day...

Strange day today...felt a lot better than I have for the last few days...neck is better and my face is no longer sagging on the one side - bonus! I knew everything would be alright again in a couple of days but I am shocked at how quick it has all happened - my only conclusion is that it is the power of prayer...so for the first time in ages I decided to pray a prayer of thanksgiving to the Father...

A couple of things...
Firstly, I had forgotten that prayer could be a simple thank you. I had gotten into the mind set of focussing prayer on peoples needs - which is a part of it, but i had somehow missed the part of prayer that is the conversation of a relationship. My friends who are praying with me have been encouraging me to speak with God and tell Him what is on my heart...I was going along with it and praying aloud but it was more a conversation between me and my friends and not God...I think I finally get what they have been on about!!
When they had asked me to tell God what I was mad at or what I was feeling, I had chosen to list the problems and not enter into a dialogue with God - how rude of me! I needed a reminder and today's joy at my healing was the catalyst...I am in a relationship with God and I need to allow Him in.

I also took a further step and spoke to God as Abba - not 'The Big Dude', God, His Holiness etc...but Abba...it felt strange yet wonderful. The term Abba reminded me of the special place I have in His heart. Must-keep-this-up...

The healing of my neck was also the catalyst that prompted me to pray this morning. I had woken up with a severe tummy ache and instead of the usual drudgery of thinking 'well that's it then, a day at work in pain...' my first thought was 'God, I am in pain and I am tired, I hand you the reins, please make this pain go away in Jesus' name. Amen'. Needless to say I have been painfree all day...so my thought process now says that if God can be bothered to heal my, quite pitiful physical pain in the grand scheme of things, what more could He do for my emotional pain?

So the lesson is...ASK God, HAND it to God, ALLOW God to take control, TRUST in the Lord.

'And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.'

(Luke 11:9)

Technology and community...

Having just delivered a talk to parents about the issues surrounding online communities and their children I have been struck by my own question...'how many Facebook friends do your children actually know?'

I have lots of Facebook friends and have only ever accepted people I know or knew when I was younger...but do I really know them? Do they know me? A lot of my school friends remember the me from school - I wasn't a Christian then, and although I do not hide it on my profile, I guess half of them wouldn't really know how much of my life is affected by my beliefs...that I am a living Christian, not a dying one...

This leads me to two thoughts...
1) Should I cull all those friends who don't know the real me? Or...
2) Shall I proclaim the real me a little louder? Is Facebook really the forum for that?

This line of thought has also led me to consider the change in community that I see in children everyday. Chatting face to face is no longer the only real way to engage in friendship, fellowship and community. Many people now strike up friendships online and not in person. So much so that we refer to an 'online community'. But is this really a community?

I find it amusing (and a little astounding) when I see Facebook telling me to leave a message on so and so's wall because we haven't spoken in a while...fact is I have usually just had dinner with them and their family!! So i now feel a little concerned for the emphasis that is being put upon the online community...of course it is a community of sorts but never can it replace the fellowship of personal contact and conversation over a coffee, surely?

I do not know what God thinks of the cyberworld as such but I do know that the Bible puts strong emphasis on community and the Church of believers. Throughout the Bible there are verses that proclaim the importance of visiting and serving others...

Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

(Romans 12:13)

With this word fresh in my mind I feel prodded to engage more in face to face fellowship, rather than online fellowship. I shall endeavour to send birthday cards rather than leave a simple line on a wall in the hope that I have done my duty as a friend...how much more would a friend benefit from the thought and time spent in sending a card?! I would also like my new house to be a beacon for God, a place where people feel comfortable and able to come to whenever they want...a place of hospitality, not for my ego or for compliments, but for the love of God who teaches us to extend a hand to those who need it, never considering that the favour should be returned.

So to return to Facebook...I need to use it less for convenience on my part in engaging with others, and more about glorifying God through the friendships I have by extending the hand of hospitality. Sorted.

I believe that technology has a place within a community, but do not believe that it can build up a community or edify it...only good old fashioned love, time and conversation can do that.

Priorities...and such like...

I wrote this at the beginning of the year and didn't post it - I have since read it and decided that I should, so here it is...

As I begin this New Year I do so in a completely different place than the one I expected to be in, this time last year. Last year I was in a long term relationship, living with my partner and playing pseudo part time mum to a teenage girl. This year I begin it single, living in my own house on my own, with no children. The latter reads as though it is the booby prize, the lesser of the two...the truth is the exact opposite. I am better off this year than I was last year. I am able to better focus on me and my life and I am therefore closer to God. This has however forced me to consider my priorities, what is most important to me?

First and foremost, my last relationship taught me that marriage and children (in that order) is the single most important goal of my life. I will die happy if I die a wife and mother (in many years time...obviously). Where this is not possible in a relationship...neither is the relationship. This as a priority, naturally leads me to consider the steps that I will take to achieve it. The foundation of this is my partner...whoever he may be...

(Do not for a second think that this is a 'poor, lonely girl' post, it is actually the antithesis of that.)

It is fair to say that my future partner is of no concern to me. I am not worried that I am single and do not worry that I will die alone...I have faith in God that I will find my partner when He believes I am ready and it is right. For this reason it is of no concern.

This has a very freeing effect...my main life goal is in His hands and not mine...which, in a weird circular argument, leaves me free to focus my energies on God. My life is fun again, I am living with the childlike wonder I had forgotten...

My main priority therefore is God.

Tough few days...

I look forward to the day that my posts become positive to read!! My goal is to try to see the positive in everything that I do and to look for God in my times of trial...

The last couple of weeks have been tough, tough because I have decided to go down the path that I have so long avoided. I have attempted this many times over but this time it seems to be different...to start with I have (so far) stuck to it. I think that the main reason is, that I haven't chosen to go to a regular counsellor this time (at the last count I have tried to engage in counselling on 4 separate occasions - all of which have been either disastrous or shallow experiences.) This time around I am dealing with stuff through regular meetings with my friends (an Elder from Church and his wife.) Neither profess to be counsellors, but both profess to wait in the presence of THE Counsellor. The meetings involve lots of prayer and some talking...but prayer is the main event.

What do I think of it so far?
Well, I'm not going to lie, I am not enjoying it in the slightest...but I think that I am beginning to feel a little bit of light in that I now think I may be able to live a free life eventually. This is a big step for me. From here to there, it looks like a long windy and frankly, treacherous road...I am glad God is with me, and my friends.

Problems?
Yes - the main one happened after our meeting yesterday. Towards the end of a harrowing recounting I developed a neck twitch that made me look like I was beckoning everyone over to me. My friend prayed for it to leave but it was tenacious...so much so that it carried on for the entire day today, much to the amusement and then worry of my colleagues! It has only just stopped - a full 22 hours after it started.

What can I garner from this experience? That I need to let go. There was a point in the meeting last night where I felt tears and sadness like I have never known, well up and threaten to overflow. God was working in my dry eyes and stone heart to give me the release that I needed at that point, and have needed for, well, ever I suppose. At that moment I had a choice - allow God to take control and see where it took me, or struggle for my own control and swallow this alien feeling down. I am ashamed to say that I chose the latter. This is when the tic started.

The tic was the outward sign of my inward turmoil, the very image and display of my stuck-ness. The repetitive nature of the movement showed me just how I approach this situation. I go to move forward and then just as I think I have, I step back. I am afraid of the dark.
What God has taught me in this affliction is that I am not in fact afraid of the dark, but that I am afraid of the light, His light. I am afraid that it will light up all the recesses of my memories and show me things that I don't want to see or remember.

Two things from this...
1) No matter how I look at it (and I do regularly as is evident in my posts on here...) I am going to have to trust God to hold me up when I cannot stand, and to give me strength when I can no longer look at my past and most importantly, to love me no matter what is revealed.
2) Whether I want to see or remember is actually superfluous...I do remember, at least my body does - that is why it reacts the way it does. Hiding from what is there, doesn't mean it isn't there in the first place, it means that I am simply putting my head in the sand.
A good friend of mine was recounting a speech made by a lady from her church at a recent Ladies Day. She said that the armour of God in Ephesians 6 speaks of many areas, but does not speak of armour for your back. When you run your back is not protected. Who do I need protection from? Not God - if I stand with God my back is no longer a weak spot...I am clothed in His armour, the strongest and most heavenly armour...how I wish i had cried last night, but at the same time, no matter how much my neck still hurts, I think I needed that lesson to see that God can only peel away the layers and examine them if I let Him; not because I am higher or stronger than God, but because He is a loving parent who wants us to let Him help us.

'The LORD is my light and my salvation -

whom should I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life - 

of whom should I be afraid?

(Psalm 27:1)

For He will conceal me in His shelter

in the day of adversity;

He will hide me under the cover of His tent;

He will set me high on a rock.

Then my head will be high above my enemies around me;

(Psalm 27:5-6)