Does God speak through music???

Driving home from work, listening to music when I was really struck by the lyrics in this song by Diana Ross. It follows the words from God that I have been receiving recently (at least I think I have...I'm very new to all this). Ever felt well and truly prodded???!!!!

Sometimes when your world seems so big and real
You may run to the shelter of walls
Sometimes you may wish
You could be like your shadow
It fits wherever it falls

Whenever the night’s too deep to find
And the morning is too far away
Wherever you are
There’s always a star to guide the way
There to guide the way

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We all will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

Tonight if a dream should come to your sleep
With a picture you don’t wanna see
Go where it leads, from secret to secret
You are what you want to be
Whenever the sun refuses to shine
And you can’t chase the storm clouds away
Wherever you are there’s always a star to guide the way
There to guide the way

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We all will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

Living in a private world
There are times when it’s hard to break through
So don’t give up
Each time you hurt you’ve got nothing to lose
There’s a voice inside of you

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We all will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

If you listen long enough
(listen)
If you dream it strong enough
(dream it)
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We will find the answer
In the voice of the heart

If you listen long enough
(long enough)
If you dream it strong enough
(strong enough)
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
In the voice
In the voice of the heart
We will find the answer
Like a song too long unsung

Why is it that God always asks of us that which we don't want to do?! The answer is of course that there is no challenge in doing things that we like and that we are not stretched by and often it is the challenges that help us to grow as people. God knows what we need - before we do. Again it's about trust and believing the word of God that states that God will not give us more than we can bear.

I was talking to my friend the other day about being stuck behind this wall that I couldn't move past (in faith terms) and he quoted that passage in the Bible and said that he believed that God sometimes holds us back and prepares us for the next stage, equipping us for the next step. He said that he believed that this is what God is doing for me now.

I prayed about it and have felt prodded ever since - hmmmmmm.........who said prayer was easy and that God didn't listen??

Challenge from unlikely sources...

On a tuesday I 'help' at an Alpha Course, I help in the group discussion after the talk although generally, this involves me sitting and listening and interjecting occasionally..

Anyhoo, it was in this group, last night, that I met a challenge from one of the guests. This particular guest was saying that they felt they were carrying a huge bag of stuff (experiences, guilt etc) and that to get rid of it they feel they need to speak it out to another person. This led to another member saying that when they became a Christian they didn't move on in their faith and healing until they listed all the things that they felt they needed to be forgiven for, and needed to forgive others for. They said that once they had labelled them and owned up to them through physically naming them, they were lifted from the bondage of them.

There is the challenge - I felt that God was speaking to me through these people, that He was laying out the path that I need to take in order to get past the brick wall I am presently behind on my journey.

I've been praying that God might help me to know what to do to move on and to begin healing from particular things in my life. Asking that He offers me a way to Him, and here it is......now I have to actually do something about it. I can procrastinate all I want, I know in my heart that this is the way that I need to go to heal - to talk about it, to tell someone (I wouldn't do it unless I was face to face with someone - I'd just keep putting it off if it was just me and God - although I am aware that He already knows and doesn't NEED me to tell Him but realises that I NEED to tell Him). What I also realise is that when I start, I need to tell everything, not the censored version but the 18 version. The one with all the rubbish, all the thoughts, all the feelings, all the words of hate in my heart planted there by others. It won't be pretty but I feel that God is telling me that it needs to be done.

So now begins the battle with myself to let it go.

The music in my head...

In an attempt to put in words how I am feeling I am going to use three songs as I just don't have the words to describe the mess!!

The first song is my inner voice. The way that I'm feeling deep within and unable to voice to others or specifically those who have hurt me.

The second is what I think I need to do in order to move on, but for some reason am unable to do at the moment (or unwilling - depends how you look at it)

The third is what I decide to do instead and is the reason that I have hit a brick wall in my healing/faith

Please do not judge me on the videos - youtube's finest!!

They may not make sense, but I sometimes find other people's words easier to use than my own when I am exploring that which I would rather hide

The idea of forgiveness and non-judgement tested...

From my short relationship with Jesus I have come to realise that judgement is not mine, it's God's. If I was perfect, like God, then I would be allowed to judge others but as I am not (in any form) I have no right to. When I feel that I am judging of others I remind myself of Jesus' words "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?' (Luke 6:41) and believe me, I have to do this a lot!!

Recently the personal circumstances of a close friend have caused me to reflect on this verse in depth. I do not condone the actions of this friend and cannot even imagine being in the position that she has been in and now finds herself in. For this reason, I have found it easy to judge (in my heart). When I spoke to her, she says that she knows that she did wrong and that the people concerned have all agreed to put it behind them. In religious terms she has repented (although she hasn't asked forgiveness from God as she is not Christian) and so it is now in God's hands (if or hopefully when, she becomes a Christian). This is something that I am having to pray about and focus on because I am angry with my friend.

So I feel that I am doing the right thing in regards to at least working on this area, in this circumstance.

Enter my mother stage right... My main hurdle to moving forward in this is actually my mother who has warned me that my friend is only staying my friend because I am not judging her and I should in fact tell her exactly what I think of the situation and essentially break friends with her. I know that my mother is speaking from a bitter place, having been hurt by friendships in the past, but when your mother put doubt in your heart about your actions it's easy to believe her.

Add it to the list of things I have to work on...............phew.........this Christian life is complicated!!

Feeling a little lost...

I haven't thought the following out so it might not make any sense - i'm going to post whatever it is though, so if it's pants just ignore it.

The only word I can use to describe how i'm feeling is lost. I went to Church today and afterwards we all had a BBQ. It was a lovely day, spending it with friends and just relaxing. However, I felt removed from everything. It was nothing to do with the people, they were all their usual inviting selves and I didn't sit in the corner with a face like a spanked arse, but felt like I was having to work at putting the smile on my face today.

I'm still not sure what the feeling is - I still have it as i'm writing this. It's a sort of despairing remoteness. I feel like I am inhabiting a body and that I'm not connected to it, like i've lost the glue.

At Church my pastor prayed during worship for the people that needed to connect with God, to allow Him to be Lord of their life, to hand Him all the stuff weighing on their hearts...when he said this I actually felt my heart break and then harden so that I didn't let on to anyone that I was falling apart.

I want to give everything to God, I want to be honest with Him and cry out for His help but I have this wall in front of me - and the wall is my pride I think. I don't want to appear weak, I don't want to cry and I don't want to fall apart. The daft thing is that God already knows what is in my heart, He has always known and will always know everything - sometimes before I do. I think i'm just scared, like a little child and not as trusting in God as I would like to think that I am.

Lord Jesus, help me
I don't know where to turn
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to start

I need You,
I need Your strength
I need Your wisdom to guide me

Help me to overcome my fear and pride
Help me to stand up to my demons
Help me to trust you
Help me to know where to turn

Jesus, take my broken heart
Renew it with hope,
Renew it with your love.

Salvage my heart from the eclipsing stone
and help me to be who you want me to be
Help me to do things Your way and not my way
because if I continue on this path it will only lead to my destruction

In Jesus' name
Amen

Abundance...

*This is not a theological or spiritual post*

The word abundance is such a good one for explaining how much God gives us...and yet the image I get in my head when the word is mentioned devalues it somewhat...it's an image of a bun (with a cherry on top) doing a dance!!

I can offer no explanation - I even confuse myself!!

Have a good day x

Change is a foot...

Just a quick one to note another change that I noticed last night. It's not earth-changing, or even significant to anyone but me. It shows me that I am making progress on bringing down the barriers.

I was at a course last night with loads of people that I know, including a guy that I have only known for about 5 weeks (through Church). When I was saying goodnoght to everyone, this guy hugged me and I didn't flinch!! There's the change! IIn fact I hugged him back - it was a completely platonic hug, one of friendship but as the person I was hugging was a male that I hadn't known for very long, my usual reaction would have been to shy away or stay completely rigid (with fear - I don't like the invasion of my personal space without invitation).

Another change - small but very significant - I think the stone heart is softening. Thank you God

To dip or to immerse??

Interesting sermon today at church about baptism. My pastor spoke about two types of Christians...the Dippers and the Immersers.

He spoke of those Christians who want God and Jesus as a saviour at the end of life, they dip in and out of their beliefs choosing when to follow God. It might be that they are faithful in certain areas of their lives and in others they bar the entry. They want God as a saviour, not as Lord.

Then there are the Immersers, those who have chosen and ACTIVELY put their lives into God's hands - and that means everything...even those things that you are trying to forget/feel too guilty about/don't want to acknowledge. These people are not the weakest as some would suggest as they are willing to trust God. These people may go through the hard times facing themselves and their pasts but they are ultimately better off for it because the peace they recieve through God's grace for letting Him be Saviour AND LORD is un-matchable.

So then having cinsidered this I believe that I am a Dipper with Immerser overtones (!!) in that I have not given over everything to God, although I wish Him to be my Lord and Saviour. This is because I am scared of MY reaction if I face all that I would rather hide from, yet I trust God completely. It really is the lack of trust in myself that is holding me back. Which is daft when you think of what is on offer......let me use an illustration:

You are in a world famous biscuit shop, there are countless types and sizes of biscuit available. You are at the counter and realise that you only have enough money for one biscuit, the choice before you is a plain, dry, unsatifsfying biscuit with a little chocolate on the side of it vs. a biscuit packed full of nuts/fruit/sweets/caramel (delete as appropriate) that is covered in the most luxurious thick, world renowned chocolate. They cost the same price. Which are you going to choose? It's a no-brainer!! The second biscuit everytime - why? Because it's full of nourishment, tastes infinitely better and makes more sense! The plain biscuit has it's good points but the sweetness of the chocolate can only mask the plain reality of it for a short while.

This is how I am beginning to see the choice before me - live a life that has its sweet moments but it ultimately plain because of my distance from God, or live a life that is sweet, nourishing and fulfilling?

Is there really a choice?

I didn't realise!!!

A couple of weeks ago my car was vandalised. I had some idea as to the group of people the vandals may have been apart of. It was kids we had been providing a service to. When it happened I was too tired to worry too much if i'm honest and I also felt an overwhelming sense of.........pity's not the right word.........love (?) for the 'vandals'. Either way my concern was for those children who had done it as I felt sorry that they hadn't got parents who expected them in at 11 o'clock at night. I think when someone (regardless of their age) vandalises someone elses property it says more about their view of themselves, than the person who is the 'victim'.



Anyhoo, yesterday I visited a friend that I hadn't seen since the car thing and they said 'I heard you forgave the kids that did that to your car'. The weird thing is...until my friend said that I didn't even realise that that is what I had done!! But I have! And I did it without much agonising and thought really, it just seemed the right thing to do. God is changing me - I'm not sure that I would have done the same thing a few months ago. I'd have probably felt hard done by, bitter and like it was a personal attack.Yet I didn't because not long after we had found my car in that state I had been able to pray with a group of people for the children who had done it. During that short prayer session I felt my heart go from stone to feather, I felt the bitterness that had begun to settle within me, leave. And I'm thankful to God for that.



So two things have come from this experience and the conversation yesterday:

1) I can and I am forgiving more, I now need to recognise when I am doing it (I really had no idea that I had forgiven them)
2) God is changing me from the inside out in such a caring way that I haven't noticed it all, this is good in that I do not feel assaulted and forcefully moulded but it also means that I need to concentrate more on God and His plans for me.

My car got vandalised - so what?? My heart is being repaired. Praise the Lord!!

The more I know of God........

The more I know of God, the more I love Him
The more I know of God, the more I thank Him
The more I know of God, the more outstanding He is
The more I know of God, the more I yearn to know

The more I know of God, the less I want to hate
The more I know of God, the less I want to sin
The more I know of God, the less I want to lead my own life
The more I know of God, the less I want to hurt

The more I know of God, the more I want to follow Him
The more I know of God, the more I want to read His word
The more I know of God, the more I want to be in His glory
The more I know of God, the more I want to be the me He wants me to be

Coincidence?? I'm not so sure...

If you have not yet grasped this fact...I'm very much consumed with the idea of grace and forgiveness at the moment, mainly because i have a lot of forgiving to do and also because I now have an understanding of grace and so feel compelled to try and live life in God's grace (which I think I might be failing to do at present...more on that later). Anyhoo, bearing this in mind, I rocked up to Church this morning only to find out that the sermon was on Grace and, in part, it link with forgiveness (!!). I'm not sure if this is true for any other believer - please let me know if it is - but since I have actively tried to put my life into God's hands I have recieved coincidence after coincidence...until it's become a little freaky.

The service was good, I think it's exactly what i needed to hear today because once again I am struggling with unforgiveness and bitterness. I have found that understanding Grace is not enough - we have to live it and in order to live it we have to constantly remind ourselves of God's grace. This is an impossible feat if we do not realise that we cannot do it without God, without asking for His help, without praying for guidance and without surrendering our need to control our own lives to Him.

When I struggle with the thought of Grace it's not the idea that it is freely given to all that I stumble on the most, it's the idea that it is freely given to ME. My biggest hurdle to faith was and still is in part my own lack of self worth that manifests itself in my inability to accept that God would want to save me. I know that He can, but the doubts in my head and the voices from the past constantly ask me 'Why would God want to save you? What's so special about you? Do you think you deserve it?' The reality of it is that no one deserves Grace, it is God's gift. It doesn't make me special to recieve it, it doesn't make me better than the unbeliever that has no idea about Grace, it simply makes me want to share the joy with others in any way I can.

As a simpleminded person, I find it easier to understand complex concepts via things like music, so in an attempt to show you how my mind works, when I need reminding of what grace means I listen to this, hope you like it :) :

Futher to my post on forgiving myself....

The only answer I can see to the question is to lay myself before God and to ask Him to help me. I also don't think it is going to be something that I do once and then sit back and live a happier life - it will be something that I will have to ask God to help me with every day, and at the start I would guess every minute. It will have to be an act of will to wish God's grace for those who have wronged me (i include myself in this rather bizzarely) and then hopefully it will, in time, become a subconscious will.

The road to forgiveness will be a long and challenging one but it is one that I hope to travel so that I can live the life that I believe God wants for me.

Forgiving myself

Forgiveness will be a running theme for a while I fear. It is the one issue that is foremost in my mind when I think about God and my faith. I know that I cannot be saved if I have not forgiven. I want to be saved so the logical argument goes that I should forgive.
If I want to forgive others then I have to forgive myself. As long as I blame myself, I do not understand forgiveness enough to extend it to others. People have told me I have nothing to be forgiven for in regard to a certain situation, if this is the case and I can't forgive myself, then how am I ever going to forgive the person(s) who, according to the same people were to blame?
Next question how on earth does a person begin to forgive themselves? Do you have a conversation with yourself? I could do with a bit of help on this one I think...any ideas?

Acceptance

I have been attending a church for about three months now, it is a small community church of about 50 adults and nearly as many children(!!). I am an active member in that I try to be involved with as many projects and meetings etc that I can. I enjoy the companionship and support of the people I have been so fortunate to meet and make friends with. I enjoy being a part of a family of believers who seem genuinely pleased to see each other and to help each other when they need it, be that a chat and a coffee or laying a patio. Which gets me to the point of this post - the weirdest thing about church (which is a quite a long list as I was brought up in a traditional Methodist church and evangelical churches are SO very different in their approach) is the fact that these people, from all walks of life and levels and longevity of faith, have just accepted me into their family without question.
I understand why they have done this biblically speaking, as the Bible states that we are all the creation of God and thus we are all a part of a huge global family. If I thought that the only reason these people spoke to me was because the Bible told them to then it would take some of the shine off of it because it would essentially be an academic exercise in trying to please Jesus and would have little to do with me. However, the members of the church go out of their way to include me, talk to me and view me as one of them. I find this hard to accept because I do not feel worthy of their love or their acceptance but I think that shows more about my view of myself than it does about anything else.

How much do I love God?

With everything that I am...is my first response to the question but having been struck by a quote, it's really got me thinking.....

'I really only love God as much as I love the person I love least'

(Dorothy Day)

If I am the new believer that i credit myself with being then I have to love God as much as I can, I have to do whatever I can to remain in His glory and grace, not because I HAVE to but because I WANT to. This quote says to me that if I have murderous hatred for another human then I have murderous hatred for God. That's quite powerful and very scary.

If it is true then at this moment in time I do not even love God - I hate Him vehemently. This is definitely an area that I need to work on. I think forgiving someone is now possible for me, something I once felt was beyond my capabilities - so I am making progress in some ways. I guess I have to believe in God to continue changing me from the inside - removing my many stains of sin.

Grace is...

'A gift that costs everything for the giver and nothing for the recipient'

'Does not depend on what we have done for God but rather what God has done for us'

'A humble awareness that God has already forgiven us a debt so mountainous that besides it any persons' wrongs against us shrink to the size of anthills'

'God loves people because of who God is, not because of who we are'

'There is nothing we can do to make God love us more. There is nothing we can do to make God love us less'

These are quotes from Phillip Yancey's book 'What's So Amazing About Grace?' that struck me as interesting and challenging. As a new believer I have accepted that Jesus died for me and in doing so allowed me to be saved from my own sinfulness - to be given a chance, where I didn't deserve it. However, these quotes are quite stark in their urge that now that we have accepted that fact, we have to act upon it. As Jesus illustrated in the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matt 18:23-35), one of the things God calls us to do is to extend the gift of Grace He has given us to others, we are not perfect and so cannot expect perfection from others who are the same as us, even of they have committed acts and sins that we would never consider doing.
This makes me feel both hopeful and anxious. Hopeful because it means that there is a way that humanity can mend itself from the violence and selfishness that is so often displayed throughout the world and in our own lives. It also means that there is a chance that I can recover my heart and soul from the stone of hatred and fear that it is currently behind. However, it makes me anxious because these quotes remind me how little progress I have made in this area. I am thankful for what God has done for me but i'm not sure how, or if I even want, to extend that to others. Yet I know that I cannot have all that God has promised if I do not................

Grace=Forgiveness - an awesome yet entirely strange concept

The whole idea of God's Grace is a strange one. Grace states that we are all sinful and yet God will forgive us if we ask - even though we do not deserve it. It follows then that if God forgives us then we have very little right not to forgive others - passing the judgement and the weight to God; the ultimate judge.
This is the sort of thing I have read about in textbooks for years - I even teach about it(!!) sometimes and yet I have never really, truely understood it. It took some time and many an analogy from my Pastor to get it but when I did it was a PHYSICAL feeling of recognition. No so much a EUREKA! moment but a realisation of the weight that I am carrying on my back through my unforgiveness. I feel like the person I have not forgiven is still there clinging on to my back, through everything that I do I am carrying the hatred and it's suffocating me.
The idea that I can get rid of that makes me feel lighter and happier than I thought possible - but it is only a fleeting feeling - something I can't grab. As Michael Jackson once wrote in his song 'Gone too Soon' it's like 'a castle built upon a sandy beach...here one day, gone one night'.
So i guess that this is a glimpse of the feeling that all these people at Church are harping on about. I guess this is the feeling of the Holy Spirit at work in my heart.
So here's the clincher...I figure that in order to live in this light - in God's light then I must have to do something positive, CHOOSE to forgive and actively pray for His help everyday because I'm not sure that all of e wants to forgive. I've got to invite God into my life...and actually let Him take the wheel................Cue feelings of fear and joy. A strange feeling