Update - last night I nearly cried. Nearly let some/all of it out at my prayer meeting. But alas, the scared child in me won out again...still progress I think. And it got me considering how I can remain in faith when I am starting to feel emotions that are, well...quite frankly, devastating.
The last week has felt a little like a crash course in life and how regular people might feel in some situations...almost as if God is showing me how I can rejoin the human race that I have felt so alien from for so long. I must say all of these emotions (and I think that I am only really feeling a shadow of them because I can't will myself to stay in them long enough to grasp them fully) have a consuming quality about them. They actually take over your body physically and mentally as well as emotionally...I was not prepared for that. However, this is most probably what God is using this period for - preparation - for the final push toward emotional release. I can't even say the final push because actually, paradoxically, this final push to the emotional stuff actually BEGINS my healing in the real sense. Everything up to now, I believe, has been preparation. I am so thankful that we have a God who prepares us. God knows what we need and He knew that if he had presented me with the feelings He has this week, even a couple of months ago, I would have run in the opposite direction. God has a time for everything and I am just beginnng to understand what that looks like. If I trust (there's that word again) in Him then everything will be as it should be, and I will not be given more than I can bear. It is when I try to do things under my own steam that I become inundated, and stressed, I guess...
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