When I close my eyes I cry...

When awake with the world around,
I hear nothing, not a sound,
My heart can speak and I do not hear,
Because I am living life in fifth gear.

But when I close my eyes,
When I can no longer see the world going by,
When I close my eyes
I begin to cry.

With a busy life full of joy,
I can go for days without need of a decoy,
I can carry on ignoring my heart,
I can carry on and not fall apart.

But when I close my eyes,
When I can no longer see the world going by,
When I close my eyes
I begin to cry.

Focus on God and the divine,
And suddenly my defences decline,
When I give my heart time to speak
I find that my 'strength' grows weak

I close my eyes to pray to the Lord,
The one through which I am adored,
Yet no matter how hard I try,
The eyes that are now hidden, begin to cry.

An interesting description of Grace...

I saw this description of cheap grace vs. costly grace on Phil Whittall's blog. I think that it sums up what I have come to believe grace is. Even though cheap grace is easier, I would chose costly grace every time.

Am I evil if I sin????

Yet another blog inspired by the Alpha course last night (I promise I am officially a helper...even if I find I am learning more than teaching!) We had a talk on how to resist evil which naturally led to a discussion that included what evil is and how sin plays a part.

The discussion has got me thinking...one of the problems people have in becoming a Christian is the misconception that Christians and the Church will make them feel guilty about what they are doing wrong. In my experience, I have never felt that my Church leaders were looking down on me no matter what I said or questioned in the first place. However, I have learnt that the difference between a Christian and a Non-Christian is as simple as living for yourself or living for God. John, who gave the talk, suggested that evil is summed up in the belief that I can do whatever I like'. I think he hit the nail on the head.

This however, opens up a whole debate in my mind - if I choose to do something for myself am I evil? Are some people more evil than others? Are some people born evil and so will always be? Should we take into account the evil person's circumstances (mental health/childhood/life difficulties)? I'm not sure that I have the answers to all of these but I'll attempt one anyway!!

If I choose to do something for myself am I evil?

I would say that the definition of evil would be the belief that 'I can do whatever I want'. Selfishness is, for me, the root of evil . By this I do not mean that every time I choose to make myself a cup of coffee I am sinning, the sin comes from actions that I would continue with, without regard to others who may be affected.

For example, a person choosing to stay out all night without thought to tell their family at home, who have subsequently worried and been out searching for the 'missing' person all night. That person has sinned. I wouldn't go as far as to say that they are evil but if they repeat the sinful act then they are living in evil. They are choosing to live for themselves and not for God and others. The stark reality of Christianity is that you choose to live for God or by default, Satan.

One of the problems of society is that there has been an upsurge of RIGHTS and a downfall in RESPONSIBILITY. If people believe that they have the right to this and that then it should follow that they would gain more responsibility. If everyone lived according to the right to do as they please then we would live in a lawless society. It is the act of doing as you please because you have that right and disregarding the responsibility that allows evil to prosper.

As a Christian I believe that I am to live in God's glory and grace and because I am doing that God is changing me from the inside out, I react differently to familiar situations, and all because I am able to reflect the forgiveness and grace that God has bestowed on me. So if I am living for myself and trying to do things my way then yes, I am living in evil.

Are some people born evil and so will always be?
I would say yes and no. If we take the position that evil is living for yourself and a natural inclination towards selfishness, then my answer would be that yes, we are all born with the ability to be evil. God gave us freewill and without His guidance, freewill is often used for unsavoury gains. As people are born unaware of Christ and His payment for us, then we are all open to evil and Satan's plan.

However, it does not follow that a person who commits evil acts is forever evil. If I was to state that people are then I could not call myself a Christian. My hope has to be that all people can be saved and therefore can repent of their sins. This doesn't in anyway belittle the experience of others that have been affected by their actions but it means that they are able to come to live in God's glory.

If I believed that all people who lived in evil (be that major or minor) would always be evil then there would be no-one left to save - I have, and will no doubt, sin again, I am imperfect but because of God's gift of Jesus for me, I will always return to the light and refuse to be brought back to Satan.

Are some people more evil that others?
This is a difficult one for me to answer. I could list people who were generally agreed to be evil by many people, such as Hitler, Ian Brady, Myra Hindley, rapists, murderers, child molesters and say that they are more evil than the person who has an affair, or steals from a shop and leave it there. In the past I would have but now I am more inclined to say that no one person is more 'evil' than the next. Controversial!! I think that some people carry out more evil ACTS than others and so are portrayed as evil but all are able to be saved and repent of their actions. It is not fair for me as an imperfect human being, to judge people for their actions, my part is to trust God. He will be the one to judge and avenge for wrongs. If an 'evil' person has repented (true repentance is not an easy ride, it is facing up to all that you have done and how you have caused pain to others) then they are no worse than a person who has stolen from a shop, once, when they were 5, who has also repented.

If a person continues to repeat an offense, buoyed by only their gratification then they are living in evil, whether that is a 'major' sin or a 'minor' sin.

This does not mean that sinful people are let off. I believe that God is the ultimate judge, there will be payment for sins committed. If the person has repented then they have paid their price, they have owned up to the hurt that they have caused, this is a painful ride and shows real strength in my opinion. If the person continued to live in sin throughout their earthly life then they will pay for all eternity, God will punish them for their actions. I do not know (or indeed, do not want to know) what this will entail but I trust Him to avenge me in any arena that He feels I need vengence for.

Should we take into account the evil person's circumstances (mental health/childhood/life difficulties)?
I would always say that for every crime/evil action there is a context. There is a reason that that person may have committed the crime and that we should be aware of that. Nevertheless, that does not take away the fact that it is an evil act.

In circumstances such as mental health, I am not qualified to comment. The brain is a complex organ and when it malfunctions, it does so with great effect and the consequences of it may or may not be the person's fault. I do not mean to side step this issue but I feel out of my depth with it.

In the other circumstances mentioned I would say that although they might affect the way a person reacts in a situation in the first place that is by no means an excuse. The common phrase,

'hurt people, hurt people'

is often banded around as an explanation for the reason someone raped/murdered another person. 'Oh he had an awful childhood', 'Her husband had left her and threatened to take her kids away, that's why she killed them' . But if this is a reasonable defense then where on earth would personal responsibility come in?

In one of my previous jobs as a Therapeutic Support Worker for children who had been abused I often heard the adage that 'The abused becomes the abuser'. It was generally accepted that if you are abused as a child then there is a high chance that you would repeat it and somehow this was accepted as a reason for parents abusing their children!

I can follow that a person who is abused is more likely to exhibit abusive behaviour IF they do not have other role models but it in no way belittles the crime that they commit. If this argument stood then we could also say that if someone helped you out financially it means that you will repeat this, or that if your parents are upstanding members of the community, then their children will be too. This is false, friends of mine from school who had the best upbringing (their own words) later came to drugs and violence because they CHOSE to.

It is the same for evil acts, regardless of the background, if an act is evil then it is! And they deserve to be punished in the exact same way as the next person. The only way that they can be saved is to own the evil act and ask for forgiveness. I'm sure God would prefer to hear:

'I am sorry for my sins, please forgive me'

than

'I am sorry for my sins, but I was only doing what someone else did to me, I was messed up by it and angry and so I don't think I really deserve as bad a punishment because it's not all my fault. Please forgive me'

An apology has to be wholehearted, or else it is not an apology. People's background might explain why they chose a particular path but it was still a CHOICE and therefore they have to answer for their sins.

The above is only my random mumblings on what is a very emotive subject, please forgive me if it's tripe, I am only learning! Let me know what you think.

Outpouring...a brand-new-believer's take on things...

I've watched the live stream from the Dudley Outpouring because I wanted to see what all the hype was for myself. I watched the worship and the healings but was unable to watch the sermon.

The following is my view on what I saw, I don't mean for it to be offensive and would like people to be aware that a lot of what I am experiencing in my Christian life is alien to me and thus I find certain aspects hard to comprehend and might change stance as I grow in God.

My initial opinion of the outpouring was one of confusion. The worship was, from what I saw, spirit-filled and was very similar to worship I have experienced before. The confusion came when Trevor came on to the stage. There was no introduction, he simply started talking and prophesying. It was very abrupt and cut into the worship.

Before I continue I suppose I should explain my stance on healing and prophesying. I believe in a God that heals both emotionally and physically and would never second guess a healing because I have no right to doubt that God may have worked in the lives of others. I also believe that some people are given the gift of prophecy, I have received words and images from God, via others that were timely and helped me. So when I review what I saw I am doing it from faith and indeed I will not be talking of the actual healings, more what I perceive as issues with the way the outpouring at Dudley is being conducted.

The first issue I think we need to consider is the image that is being portrayed at Dudley. There are lots of people who watch the events and leave feeling it is a bunch of 'weird' Christians. If God is truly administering an outpouring at Dudley then it is of upmost importance to honour that by making the gospel accessible to all that are interested. My problem comes when I hear Trevor claiming that walking sticks are 'artefacts of the devil' and that they make people comfortable with their pain. Like I have said God heals but it isn't always supernatural, often it comes through the skills and brilliance of the medical profession. I am not sure that I feel encouraged by the subtle suggestion that people are ill because they are not trusting in God enough.

Secondly, my understanding is that God bestows spiritual gifts at His will. Trevor has been bestowed with the gift of healing as many people would testify (see here). So I'm not sure what to make of Trevor's encouragement that if you have been healed of a bad shoulder then you are now anointed to heal for the same problem. It might follow but I think that if you have the power of healing then it is healing in general, not specifics.

Following on from that is the assertion that anyone who answers one of Trevor's calls for healing of a condition/illness, then it will be done. Healing doesn't always work like that, sometimes it does and the glory goes to God for that, but often God heals slowly or in some cases not at all. There is no real answer to the question of why God doesn't heal everyone but we must be trusting that He knows why. The danger with asserting that God will heal is that it may lead to some people questioning God's power or compassion, I think more needs to be done to make it clear that while we remain hopeful that all will be healed, some may not.

At one point there was a drop in the noise and excitement of the crowd watching the healings and so Trevor said that they should stay upbeat because God doesn't inhabit the quiet (!!) I think that it is possible in the excitement of the evening and the presence of God that people are getting a little carried away and say things that are not true. In my limited experience I believe that God inhabits all places at all times.
If you are educated in Christianity and can work out which comments are likely to have been said in the heat of the moment then that's all well and good but this is one of the most public platforms that God and healing has had in a long time in this country and so I think a little more care needs to be taken in how certain things are portrayed, and certainly there needs to be a little more explanation and teaching around what God is doing, as He is doing it.

Lastly, I am concerned as Phil Whittall mentioned that the whole movement is centered around Trevor and didn't give chance for others who have gifts to be used by God. He was the main one laying on hands and proclaiming healings (some of which were not technically healings, but improvements). The ways are at times unorthodox, for instance kicking a bad ankle in order to heal and pushing down on someone's back who had a herniated disc, isn't what I would consider a wise move.

All in all, I realise that although I may have come over as a little negative in relation to the whole thing, I believe in the essence of it. I believe that God has been at Dudley and has healed people but I am not sure that it HAS to happen at Dudley. I am concerned that people are beginning to confine God to human terms and believe that every night He turns up at Dudley and that that is the place you have to go to be healed. God is all around and if people are receptive to Him and trust Him then He will hear your prayer and He will decide whether to answer it or not.


I pray that God continues to heal and touch the lives of all people, those who seek and those who don't.

My goal....................eventually......................

' Rejoice always!
Pray constantly.
Give thanks in everything,
for this is God's will for you
in Christ Jesus.
Don't stifle the Spirit.
Don't despise prophecies,
but test all things.
Hold on to what is good.
Stay away from every form of evil.'
(1 Thessalonians 5:16-22)

I think that these verses sum up for me, at this moment in time, all that I am striving for, all that I want. As a new believer I have found many aspects of Christianity have been counter to my previous life. Things such as praying and reading the Bible have been harder to include in my life (often I cite being busy as an excuse). I think this is partly because it is different from before but also because I am not as trusting as I would like to be. By that I mean that I have asked God to be Lord of my life and at times He is but more often than not my old fears come back and force me to take a hold of the steering wheel again. Thus, I do not need to pray or read God's words because I am in control and I obviously know better (!!)

I have spoken previously on feeling prodded by God more and more in recent days, and whereas I am aware of this and thankful that God has heard my prayers for guidance, it appears to be having a negative effect on my attitude to God. The more that I am prodded, the more I am forced to consider a path that I would rather not take, in short, one I am scared to take. My reaction therefore has been to pay lip service to the ideas put forward by others in ways that I might be helped down the road less traveled and then in my heart to dismiss the ideas. I was not really aware that I was doing this until the words above spoke to my very core. They put down in print what I REALLY want, what I believe to be the life God wants for me.

If this really is the case then I need to do something about it. The line that spoke to me the most in light of yesterday's events was 'Don't stifle the Spirit'. I have accepted that there is a God, I believe that God's son Jesus died for me on the Cross and yet up until now I haven't given much airtime to the third person of the Trinity. I have only accepted two thirds of God. When I prayed my commitment I included the Holy Spirit and asked Him to come into my life but haven't actually realised what the Holy Spirit is and how much I need to know the Holy Spirit so that I am able to start the journey down THE road.

So my short term aim is to get to know the Holy Spirit, to ask for Him to come into my life and help me, in my decisions, with my conduct and with the strength to take the first step on the next part of my journey. I know that this will be the most painful part, I know that i will want to turn back, maybe twenty times a day but if I accept and truly trust the Holy Spirit to guide me, I cannot have a stronger ally by my side fighting the evil I will be standing up to.

Who knew??

At the start of the day I had plans...I was going to 'help' at my Church's Alpha Away Day. I imagined that this would involve me being neither use nor ornament because I'm not feeling particularly filled with the Spirit at the moment and as the day was about introducing the Holy Spirit to the guests, I expected to be taking a somewhat back seat during the proceedings.

However, it seemed that God had a different plan. At the end when the guests had chance to respond to Jesus and become Christians or simply receive prayer from the leaders if they wished to. I stayed back on purpose letting the more experienced Christians approach people. It was whilst I was watching the room that I saw one of the guests on their own and went to speak to them. There was much praying with me and another leader and the guest, again I took a back seat and although I felt that God wanted me to pray for the guest I didn't because I doubted God's words. I did however tell the guest what had been in my heart and what I had not said after the prayers of others because I figured that what I thought was insignificant might well be one thing that another need to hear.

At this point two other leaders joined us and the previous leader left. Again there was a lot of discussion and prayer for the guest. After which one of the leaders ask the guest if they were ready to be a Christian (they had previously said that they felt like they were on a precipice and didn't know if they could or were ready to make that step in faith). When they replied yes I was happy and thought how special it was that I could be present when someone gave their life to Jesus (having only been present at one commitment before), this is where the shock was, because one of the leaders then asked me if I could remember what I had prayed in my commitment. Being as though it was only three months, almost to the day, that I had prayed it, I answered yes. He then suggested that I lead this guest to God by praying a prayer of Commitment that the guest could then copy!!!

Firstly, what faith this leader must have had to think that I could do that, I have only prayed out loud for people three times previously and still get immensely nervous about the prospect of it because I worry that I might not say the right thing (if I trusted in the Holy Spirit more for guidance then I think I would probably be less nervous...!!!)

Secondly, it wasn't a run-of-the-mill prayer (not that any is particularly) but it was THE prayer, the one that I imagine every Christian remembers praying and I was in some way in charge of voicing that for someone else and all off of the top of my head!

Those were the two thoughts that instantly bounded into my head...and yet I agreed straight away because I felt that it would be a privilege to be able to do this. In order to pray the prayer I did something that I haven't really ever done in prayer, not properly, I stopped thinking with my head and spoke with my heart. The guest copied my words and became a Christian - HOW AMAZING IS THAT!! The joy and the release that I saw in this person is the best thing that I have ever had a part in, none of the glory for the peace and calm that descended is mine - it is all God's and the fact that the leaders and God trusted me to do this on His behalf is still sinking in.

After the commitment prayer we all prayed for the guest and this time I offered my prayer for them, I didn't for the first time, feel like I was unable or inferior, to do so. I meant every word and yet they didn't feel like my words but the words that God had put on my heart.

So the day that I had decided that I would take a backseat in, God chose to lead me to the front and put some of my experience as a Christian out there to help someone else to be saved. An awesome privilege for anyone, let alone a brand-new-believer!!

Look what the verse of the day is!!!!!!! Hmmmmm...

This is the verse of the day from God's Politics...coincidence? Or encouragement from prayer?? It's funny when you let the barriers down...just a bit...how much of God's love flows through

That told me!!

I think I might have been gently reminded by God that although my problems might seem big, they are in fact small in relation to what Jesus has done for me on the Cross.
I was at a Church group last night and during prayer I think God spoke to me. The leader was thanking Jesus for being with us in all of our troubles and enduring them with us at which point I thought 'Well I don't recall Jesus suffering [insert anything that I am bitter about here] anywhere in the Bible' (with all the attitude of a cross teenager who is feeling particularly self involved). And I felt God saying ' That may be true but Jesus did die for you and endured unimagined pain that you will never have to feel'. It was like God was reminding me that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for me and that until I own my feelings and deal with my bitterness, that sacrifice was for nothing.
Interesting point...

What my heart wants to say...