Does God speak through music???

Driving home from work, listening to music when I was really struck by the lyrics in this song by Diana Ross. It follows the words from God that I have been receiving recently (at least I think I have...I'm very new to all this). Ever felt well and truly prodded???!!!!

Sometimes when your world seems so big and real
You may run to the shelter of walls
Sometimes you may wish
You could be like your shadow
It fits wherever it falls

Whenever the night’s too deep to find
And the morning is too far away
Wherever you are
There’s always a star to guide the way
There to guide the way

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We all will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

Tonight if a dream should come to your sleep
With a picture you don’t wanna see
Go where it leads, from secret to secret
You are what you want to be
Whenever the sun refuses to shine
And you can’t chase the storm clouds away
Wherever you are there’s always a star to guide the way
There to guide the way

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We all will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

Living in a private world
There are times when it’s hard to break through
So don’t give up
Each time you hurt you’ve got nothing to lose
There’s a voice inside of you

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We all will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

If you listen long enough
(listen)
If you dream it strong enough
(dream it)
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We will find the answer
In the voice of the heart

If you listen long enough
(long enough)
If you dream it strong enough
(strong enough)
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
In the voice
In the voice of the heart
We will find the answer
Like a song too long unsung

Why is it that God always asks of us that which we don't want to do?! The answer is of course that there is no challenge in doing things that we like and that we are not stretched by and often it is the challenges that help us to grow as people. God knows what we need - before we do. Again it's about trust and believing the word of God that states that God will not give us more than we can bear.

I was talking to my friend the other day about being stuck behind this wall that I couldn't move past (in faith terms) and he quoted that passage in the Bible and said that he believed that God sometimes holds us back and prepares us for the next stage, equipping us for the next step. He said that he believed that this is what God is doing for me now.

I prayed about it and have felt prodded ever since - hmmmmmm.........who said prayer was easy and that God didn't listen??

Challenge from unlikely sources...

On a tuesday I 'help' at an Alpha Course, I help in the group discussion after the talk although generally, this involves me sitting and listening and interjecting occasionally..

Anyhoo, it was in this group, last night, that I met a challenge from one of the guests. This particular guest was saying that they felt they were carrying a huge bag of stuff (experiences, guilt etc) and that to get rid of it they feel they need to speak it out to another person. This led to another member saying that when they became a Christian they didn't move on in their faith and healing until they listed all the things that they felt they needed to be forgiven for, and needed to forgive others for. They said that once they had labelled them and owned up to them through physically naming them, they were lifted from the bondage of them.

There is the challenge - I felt that God was speaking to me through these people, that He was laying out the path that I need to take in order to get past the brick wall I am presently behind on my journey.

I've been praying that God might help me to know what to do to move on and to begin healing from particular things in my life. Asking that He offers me a way to Him, and here it is......now I have to actually do something about it. I can procrastinate all I want, I know in my heart that this is the way that I need to go to heal - to talk about it, to tell someone (I wouldn't do it unless I was face to face with someone - I'd just keep putting it off if it was just me and God - although I am aware that He already knows and doesn't NEED me to tell Him but realises that I NEED to tell Him). What I also realise is that when I start, I need to tell everything, not the censored version but the 18 version. The one with all the rubbish, all the thoughts, all the feelings, all the words of hate in my heart planted there by others. It won't be pretty but I feel that God is telling me that it needs to be done.

So now begins the battle with myself to let it go.

The music in my head...

In an attempt to put in words how I am feeling I am going to use three songs as I just don't have the words to describe the mess!!

The first song is my inner voice. The way that I'm feeling deep within and unable to voice to others or specifically those who have hurt me.

The second is what I think I need to do in order to move on, but for some reason am unable to do at the moment (or unwilling - depends how you look at it)

The third is what I decide to do instead and is the reason that I have hit a brick wall in my healing/faith

Please do not judge me on the videos - youtube's finest!!

They may not make sense, but I sometimes find other people's words easier to use than my own when I am exploring that which I would rather hide

The idea of forgiveness and non-judgement tested...

From my short relationship with Jesus I have come to realise that judgement is not mine, it's God's. If I was perfect, like God, then I would be allowed to judge others but as I am not (in any form) I have no right to. When I feel that I am judging of others I remind myself of Jesus' words "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?' (Luke 6:41) and believe me, I have to do this a lot!!

Recently the personal circumstances of a close friend have caused me to reflect on this verse in depth. I do not condone the actions of this friend and cannot even imagine being in the position that she has been in and now finds herself in. For this reason, I have found it easy to judge (in my heart). When I spoke to her, she says that she knows that she did wrong and that the people concerned have all agreed to put it behind them. In religious terms she has repented (although she hasn't asked forgiveness from God as she is not Christian) and so it is now in God's hands (if or hopefully when, she becomes a Christian). This is something that I am having to pray about and focus on because I am angry with my friend.

So I feel that I am doing the right thing in regards to at least working on this area, in this circumstance.

Enter my mother stage right... My main hurdle to moving forward in this is actually my mother who has warned me that my friend is only staying my friend because I am not judging her and I should in fact tell her exactly what I think of the situation and essentially break friends with her. I know that my mother is speaking from a bitter place, having been hurt by friendships in the past, but when your mother put doubt in your heart about your actions it's easy to believe her.

Add it to the list of things I have to work on...............phew.........this Christian life is complicated!!

Feeling a little lost...

I haven't thought the following out so it might not make any sense - i'm going to post whatever it is though, so if it's pants just ignore it.

The only word I can use to describe how i'm feeling is lost. I went to Church today and afterwards we all had a BBQ. It was a lovely day, spending it with friends and just relaxing. However, I felt removed from everything. It was nothing to do with the people, they were all their usual inviting selves and I didn't sit in the corner with a face like a spanked arse, but felt like I was having to work at putting the smile on my face today.

I'm still not sure what the feeling is - I still have it as i'm writing this. It's a sort of despairing remoteness. I feel like I am inhabiting a body and that I'm not connected to it, like i've lost the glue.

At Church my pastor prayed during worship for the people that needed to connect with God, to allow Him to be Lord of their life, to hand Him all the stuff weighing on their hearts...when he said this I actually felt my heart break and then harden so that I didn't let on to anyone that I was falling apart.

I want to give everything to God, I want to be honest with Him and cry out for His help but I have this wall in front of me - and the wall is my pride I think. I don't want to appear weak, I don't want to cry and I don't want to fall apart. The daft thing is that God already knows what is in my heart, He has always known and will always know everything - sometimes before I do. I think i'm just scared, like a little child and not as trusting in God as I would like to think that I am.

Lord Jesus, help me
I don't know where to turn
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to start

I need You,
I need Your strength
I need Your wisdom to guide me

Help me to overcome my fear and pride
Help me to stand up to my demons
Help me to trust you
Help me to know where to turn

Jesus, take my broken heart
Renew it with hope,
Renew it with your love.

Salvage my heart from the eclipsing stone
and help me to be who you want me to be
Help me to do things Your way and not my way
because if I continue on this path it will only lead to my destruction

In Jesus' name
Amen

Abundance...

*This is not a theological or spiritual post*

The word abundance is such a good one for explaining how much God gives us...and yet the image I get in my head when the word is mentioned devalues it somewhat...it's an image of a bun (with a cherry on top) doing a dance!!

I can offer no explanation - I even confuse myself!!

Have a good day x

Change is a foot...

Just a quick one to note another change that I noticed last night. It's not earth-changing, or even significant to anyone but me. It shows me that I am making progress on bringing down the barriers.

I was at a course last night with loads of people that I know, including a guy that I have only known for about 5 weeks (through Church). When I was saying goodnoght to everyone, this guy hugged me and I didn't flinch!! There's the change! IIn fact I hugged him back - it was a completely platonic hug, one of friendship but as the person I was hugging was a male that I hadn't known for very long, my usual reaction would have been to shy away or stay completely rigid (with fear - I don't like the invasion of my personal space without invitation).

Another change - small but very significant - I think the stone heart is softening. Thank you God

To dip or to immerse??

Interesting sermon today at church about baptism. My pastor spoke about two types of Christians...the Dippers and the Immersers.

He spoke of those Christians who want God and Jesus as a saviour at the end of life, they dip in and out of their beliefs choosing when to follow God. It might be that they are faithful in certain areas of their lives and in others they bar the entry. They want God as a saviour, not as Lord.

Then there are the Immersers, those who have chosen and ACTIVELY put their lives into God's hands - and that means everything...even those things that you are trying to forget/feel too guilty about/don't want to acknowledge. These people are not the weakest as some would suggest as they are willing to trust God. These people may go through the hard times facing themselves and their pasts but they are ultimately better off for it because the peace they recieve through God's grace for letting Him be Saviour AND LORD is un-matchable.

So then having cinsidered this I believe that I am a Dipper with Immerser overtones (!!) in that I have not given over everything to God, although I wish Him to be my Lord and Saviour. This is because I am scared of MY reaction if I face all that I would rather hide from, yet I trust God completely. It really is the lack of trust in myself that is holding me back. Which is daft when you think of what is on offer......let me use an illustration:

You are in a world famous biscuit shop, there are countless types and sizes of biscuit available. You are at the counter and realise that you only have enough money for one biscuit, the choice before you is a plain, dry, unsatifsfying biscuit with a little chocolate on the side of it vs. a biscuit packed full of nuts/fruit/sweets/caramel (delete as appropriate) that is covered in the most luxurious thick, world renowned chocolate. They cost the same price. Which are you going to choose? It's a no-brainer!! The second biscuit everytime - why? Because it's full of nourishment, tastes infinitely better and makes more sense! The plain biscuit has it's good points but the sweetness of the chocolate can only mask the plain reality of it for a short while.

This is how I am beginning to see the choice before me - live a life that has its sweet moments but it ultimately plain because of my distance from God, or live a life that is sweet, nourishing and fulfilling?

Is there really a choice?

I didn't realise!!!

A couple of weeks ago my car was vandalised. I had some idea as to the group of people the vandals may have been apart of. It was kids we had been providing a service to. When it happened I was too tired to worry too much if i'm honest and I also felt an overwhelming sense of.........pity's not the right word.........love (?) for the 'vandals'. Either way my concern was for those children who had done it as I felt sorry that they hadn't got parents who expected them in at 11 o'clock at night. I think when someone (regardless of their age) vandalises someone elses property it says more about their view of themselves, than the person who is the 'victim'.



Anyhoo, yesterday I visited a friend that I hadn't seen since the car thing and they said 'I heard you forgave the kids that did that to your car'. The weird thing is...until my friend said that I didn't even realise that that is what I had done!! But I have! And I did it without much agonising and thought really, it just seemed the right thing to do. God is changing me - I'm not sure that I would have done the same thing a few months ago. I'd have probably felt hard done by, bitter and like it was a personal attack.Yet I didn't because not long after we had found my car in that state I had been able to pray with a group of people for the children who had done it. During that short prayer session I felt my heart go from stone to feather, I felt the bitterness that had begun to settle within me, leave. And I'm thankful to God for that.



So two things have come from this experience and the conversation yesterday:

1) I can and I am forgiving more, I now need to recognise when I am doing it (I really had no idea that I had forgiven them)
2) God is changing me from the inside out in such a caring way that I haven't noticed it all, this is good in that I do not feel assaulted and forcefully moulded but it also means that I need to concentrate more on God and His plans for me.

My car got vandalised - so what?? My heart is being repaired. Praise the Lord!!

The more I know of God........

The more I know of God, the more I love Him
The more I know of God, the more I thank Him
The more I know of God, the more outstanding He is
The more I know of God, the more I yearn to know

The more I know of God, the less I want to hate
The more I know of God, the less I want to sin
The more I know of God, the less I want to lead my own life
The more I know of God, the less I want to hurt

The more I know of God, the more I want to follow Him
The more I know of God, the more I want to read His word
The more I know of God, the more I want to be in His glory
The more I know of God, the more I want to be the me He wants me to be