Pressing on...God delivers...

Last night I was challenged to start to actively seek what God wants for me and to hear what God thinks of me. To confront the fact that God loves me regardless of what I may think of myself.

This has obviously been playing on my mind because I have been up for hours and it is only just 9am. I woke up with a headache and a feeling of tension. After procrastinating for a while watching documentaries on the 'net, I bit the bullet. What was supposed to be a prayer to God to say...well...I'm not sure - I just felt like I should pray...became a cry for help. Through the prayer I realised that I cannot come to accept God's love in my heart (my head got it ages ago) in my own strength, because the part of me that says I am not good enough, or worth it, is far stronger than the part of me that wants what God wants for me. I have to rely on God's strength...

With this knowledge I took my first baby steps...and allowed a few tears...and I felt God say 'Ephesians 3'. Just for the benefits of the skeptics out there, I have no idea what Ephesians 3 says (and would by nature be inclined to look at an even number as I don't like odd numbers - so I know that I didn't choose the scripture). I read it and found this jumping out at me: (bold emphasis added by me)

¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Now, it is possible that I am reading into this passage but when you consider that there are 1189 chapters in the Bible and that they cover all sorts of topics, most of which would be irrelevant to me at this moment in time...I think it would be more foolhardy to think that this is just a coincidence, although I do still leave room for the possibility that some will think this. I am CHOOSING to have faith that God gave me the passage.

What the passage says to me (the bold bits in particular) is that God is bigger and better than my situation. He is able to deal with what I cannot. That His love surpasses all the knowledge that I am currently trying to deal with. And that Christ can only find a home in my battered heart, if I am faithful. I need to suspend my earthly thinking and simply trust God.

I have a feeling that there may well be more tears to come...acceptance is a hard pill to swallow.