A weekend with God...

Having never been to a 'Christian Weekend' I had no idea what to expect, as for the content and the worship, it was better than I had imagined and I enjoyed starting each day physically worshipping God and now have an emotional understanding of the idea of fellowship and the community of God. I was able to speak with people over the weekend and ask questions, even answer some(!!) without the confines of society - God could be in everything. This invariably led me to the realisation that God should be in everything and IS, whether we like it or not.

Bearing this revelation in mind...
As I have said above, I enjoyed the weekend immensely but I found it very hard and am now left reeling from my moves along the path and unsure how to deal with it.
Throughout the weekend there were numerous words from God, a large majority pertaining to personal hurdles and self worth and how God wants to take the pain away but He has to be given it, we have to 'step through the door' and admit our struggles and ask God to help us. This really struck a chord with me. As i have mentioned in many of my other posts, I have a big hurdle in the shape of forgiveness and regardless of all that I have written on it about forgiving daily and not being able to grow in God without sorting all the hate and hurt out...I have merely been paying lip service because although I truly want to forgive in my head and logically understand that it is not my place to judge others' actions and that God with deal with it in good time...my heart has not been following. A huge part of my heart has not wanted to forgive and not known where to start...my honest thoughts about the people I need to forgive have been more vengeful and murderous in some cases than they have been merciful and loving.

Linked to this is my tendency to 'control freak' ways and my learned habit of not letting go emotionally. All of this thrown together leaves a very messed up person who has learned to 'forget' (for this read - brush under the carpet) because she couldn't forgive. So I became a little annoyed at God in the middle part of the weekend because all the words that we for me were saying that I had to give all of this up and hand it to God and I knew that that would mean a dis-assembly of my very being. The hurt and anger is so deep and has been a part of my life for so long that to give it up to God means that I'm not sure what will be left, I'm not sure if there is anything left. I can't imagine being free of this and although I want to be desperately, I am also scared.

This was in my head as I went to the final worship of the weekend and although I had had a chat with my pastor and been told the truths that I already knew - that I needed to let go - I had found it impossible and resigned myself to the idea of carrying on with life as I had and just getting over it..........................until.....................................God stepped in.

Halfway through the worship part of the meeting we were singing a song that I had never heard before and a line in the chorus said something like 'I give my heart to You' and I found myself silently singing 'I give my broken heart to you' and visualising my smashed up heart being handed to God on a silver plate physically and I felt Him recieve it. This was when I started to cry and I continued to cry for the remainder of the meeting. This was a BIG breakthrough as I haven't cried properly for years and have been frustrated that I couldn't or felt I should hide my feelings.

So i left the weekend feeling drained and more emotional than I have ever felt. The problem I have is that I am now back in a life where no one knows about the things I am confronting and so I have to put the mask back on, which is hard because the glue isn't there anymore. This means that I am now fearing a relapse into old ways to cope, only now I have more gulit about that because I know that God will know.

My only answer at present is to pray almost continually to God to help me to survive this because I haven't even started and already it is too painful.

That Christianity is all about rules........

Before I became a Christian I viewed religion as a whole from a purely academic stance. I have studied many religions throughout my education and had come to the conclusion that all of them were simply about rules.

My understanding of Christianity was that there were Ten Commandments brought down from Mount Sinai by Moses which Jesus then simplified to the two commandments 'Love God' and 'Love your neighbour'. Which although simple to say, I thought of as extremely complicated to follow because there were all the 'little rules' that followed on from the Big Ten such as looking after the environment, becoming responsible for all of your actions, giving your money away, not being too materialistic, no sex before marriage, no excess drinking etc etc etc. It seemed like such an effort to be a part of this religion that I wondered why anyone bothered - surely it was easier to live life for myself, caring for others but not have a judge that held me accountable for everything. Sure, in the short term it was but I've found some interesting changes in my worldview and within me that have happened as a result not of being bound by Jesus, but by being set free by Him.

I was talking to a friend yesterday that I don't get to see very often and he asked me how the whole 'church thing' was going and it led me into a conversation and a path of understanding that I had not been down before. I told him that it was going well and that it has only changed me for the good. At which point I found myself explaining how Jesus has and is continuing, to change me. This led me to the statement 'By having an ideal in Jesus I find myself changing for the better and free to be me in my entirety.' I once was told that being a Christian allows you to be more you, it doesn't change who you are but makes who you are. I thought at the time that this person was talking a load of tripe because I didn't think it possible to be more me! But that is my exact experience.

I have found that the 'rules' that had put me off (amongst a whole range of other things) are the thing that allowed me to become the true me that God wants me to become. I am not a better person for following rules like a duty, because I HAVE to, I am a happier person because I feel that the guidance I receive from God through the Bible and Prayer takes the pressure OFF of me. I am feeling more and more free from the strains of society and what it expects of me and more focused on my purpose as a child of God.

An example of this would be my self esteem. I have had low self esteem for as long as I care to remember brought about by many different factors. I had let this govern my actions for so long that when I heard that Jesus had died on the cross for ME I couldn't accept it, but when I did it became my new bedrock. I now know, even at times when I feel like i've forgotten, that I am loved by God. This is so powerful a realisation that I cannot do anything but worship Him and thank Him for His grace. I do this by following Jesus' example. I cannot begin to tell you how glad I am to have the guidance of the Bible (and my Church) in order to know how to glorify God, because without it I don't think I'd have a clue! The 'rules' are not rigid thou shalt's and thou shalt not's, they are suggestions that I now follow through CHOICE and they are helping me to accept me.


There are many other ways that the 'rules' have help me to understand myself and accept myself more and I will cover those later but sufice to say that all in all the rules that put me off before are the path that has and will continue to lead me closer to God and the real me.

I couldn't find Jesus...

I was at a different Church yesterday for a special occasion - a Christening, where I had the great honour of being one of the Godparents. It was a lovely day and I really enjoyed myself...but that isn't what my post is about.

As the title suggests, somewhere along the line I couldn't find Jesus, He wasn't lost to me because He resides in me but I wasn't able to connect during the service...let me explain.

I have been to Christenings and Dedications before, pre and post Christianity. I am now of the opinion that I prefer dedications because they are a promise to God and the child and not a promise on behalf of a child (I won't go into this at the moment but suffice to say that if I have children then they will have a dedication). At previous Christenings I have thought that it was a nice service and felt that pang that I wanted some of this 'religion' but left the Church and not really considered it again and yesterday I realised why this had happened. It was because I hadn't experienced or met with Jesus at these Churches. I had gone through the motions and said all the right things and felt secretly proud of myself for remembering the Lord's Prayer without looking at the words but that's it. No connection to the essence of the service.

The service was nice (an awful word but it encapsulates the feeling of the service for me) but it wasn't electrifying or encouraging. This is not in any way a reflection on the vicar as I am sure that for other people the service was what they expected and felt comfortable with. (That sounds sarcastic and I really don't mean it that way - sometimes written word is not the best media for explaining feelings! I just mean that different people worship in different ways)
Whether it was received well by people or not is not the issue I have, my issue is the lack of emphasis on experience and understanding of God. I felt that it was all lip service, it was explanation and liturgy that was delivered in a monochrome way. There was no real room left for people to praise God and most importantly there was no explanation. We were told that candles were being lit to show that Jesus was 'the light of the world' but no mention was made of WHY He deserves this title, or how that directly affects the child being brought to Him, or the congregation, or how Jesus could light up so many of the people's lives in the Church if they accepted Him. It was merely a passing comment, this is what you should believe because it's right...where is the evidence?? (I would say that in our party...it was a double Christening with another child...95-98% were unbelievers...why then they came to a Christening or indeed had the child christened, and why I agreed to be the Godmother when I know it wasn't done from faith is another subject(s), probably for a later blog...what a missed chance to bring God to them). I'm not saying that there has to be a sermon and a sales pitch but at the same time I think the Church as a whole is doing a dis-service to people if they are not open enough to proclaim God's Grace. As Christians we are called to witness, to share the Gospel with everyone because it is FOR everyone, never more so than when you are in Church. The sad thing is that I was at the same Church for the Christening of an elder sibling two years ago. Part of me feels cheated that I didn't at least get to glimpse God then because I might have found Him earlier. It isn't a regret, it is more of a hope, that when people enter a Church for whatever reason, they have a chance to encounter Jesus, not just to read from a script and go through the motions because 'that's what you do' then leave and not return until the next Christening, Wedding or Funeral.
The lack of enthusiasm for God that I saw yesterday reminded me why I couldn't connect with Church before and also left me a little concerned that if this is the image that the Church is portraying, then we have little hope of bringing God to people.

I have rambled but based on yesterday I have come to two (surprising) conclusions:

1) Even though I often feel like a newcomer in my Church in repects to the relaxed way we worship and conduct services, I am an Evangelical Christian through and through. I wholeheartedly believe that God is immanent and can be experienced, that He is personal and wants a RELATIONSHIP with His creation, not to be feared and revered from a far but to be in every breath of a person's life.

2) I'm turning into an Evangelist. I want others to know Jesus...I don't mean that I am going to ram it down people's throats but that I have a flame within me that wants to proclaim God's Grace and Glory and wants others to experience His love. So much so that when I am in a situation where that isn't happening, it makes me sad and a little mad. I am excited by the good news that I have recieved and feel that it is unfair of me to keep this to myself, and moreover, I am unable to. at times I feel God spilling out of every pore in my body and I want other people to have this wonderful gift.