Anger...again...

Following on from my last post I have decided to muse upon the idea of anger. After my unexplained anger at the church service on Sunday I have been doing a lot of thinking...mainly because I remain angry.

The anger isn't an overwhelming 'I need to hit someone' anger in the slightest; it is a-knot-in-my-throat, agitated anger. The sort of anger that just bubbles in the background and pops to the foreground every now and again like a cameo actor. This is having the knock on effect of finding that I have a secondary anger - at the anger!! Talk about Catch 22.

So anyway, I have spoken to a couple of friends about it and they both assure me that it is a good thing and that being emotional is showing progress...etc...and although I know they are speaking the truth, I also feel like something that is unexplained and frustrating, holds me back rather than moves me forward.

One of the friends I have mentioned text me last night and said she had been reading a book which said 'Anger is the stimulus to action'. I quite like this idea but also find it confusing...let me explain...

Anger is an emotion that I did not feel for years, in fact for a majority of my teens I felt very little and other than the occasional emotional outbursts, when my body forced me to feel, I went along living life in a weird void. (I did not realise this at the time, and because I was a teenager no one really questioned it). This led me to some quite devestating actions, anorexia, bulimia (although I was rubbish at this and felt a failure because of it) and self harm (this I excelled at).
Now, although I may have a brief idea as to where this stemmed from, I still don't fully understand what I was feeling at this time because I wasn't...well...feeling - if you catch my drift. Cue frustration and disconnection with myself.

As an adult I can surmise that I was probably feeling anger - especially in relation to self harm - and so it follows that the action that anger stimulated in me was a bad one. Although I'm not sure it was - self harm is often misunderstood and leads people to think you are either suicidal or crazy. My understanding is that a person self harms in order to LIVE not die...it is a coping mechanism...so in this instance anger has stimulated me into action - the action of trying to stay alive, at whatever cost.

Also, anger at someone has led me to push myself more and more to make something of myself so that what they told me doesn't come true...again anger is a stimulus to my action.

To return to the problem at hand. This newest bout of anger (I use the word bout because it feels a bit like an illness) seems unjustified as I didn't disagree with the sermon and it doesn't seem particularly stimulating, more paralysing. I am at a complete loss as to why I should be feeling this way - the reasons I gave in my last post still stand but I feel like they are not good enough for the level of anger I am feeling. So I am now battling with myself over the anger and the action that I want to take and feel frustrated that the anger would push me into an old tried and tested method that answers the problem in the immediate but not in the long term...

So as to anger being the 'stimulus to action', I agree but am not happy with the action I want to take.

Why did God push me to go to Church that Sunday when He knew I would end up angry and disillusioned? I have to trust that He has a plan in this - indeed the words that people had that day were all about God tying up lose ends, even if it felt like everything was unravelling...interesting...only just remembered that part...

I must try to trust in God more and leave go of my control freak ways that mean I need to know and understand why I am as I am...easier said than done.

Progress?

So, I decided that I haven't blogged recently (since April!!) and in a day that has been weird for a variety of reasons, I thought perhaps I should.

I have spent the best part of the last two hours reading my blog, reminding me of the person I was and who I am becoming. This has been enlightening, not least because I appear to have forgotten some of that which I have learnt! I also worry that I am more like the person of the first few posts than the latter.

Let me start with an update on my life...
Recently my two year relationship ended. It was for a variety of reasons...we had both changed and promises that had been made had been forgotten. Life had taken us in separate directions. This is sad for many reasons, including the fact that I take so long to trust and fell a little lost to the fact that I will have to go through all of that again.
On the whole though, I am ok with the change. I believe it is the right path to take and have fleeting moments of excitement when I think of a future that has not yet been written.
Regular readers will realise that this excitement is also a form of fear for me as I am a control freak who finds it very difficult to live hand to mouth!! However, I am doing my best. This situation has shown me how many friends I have and how important they are to me. I am thankful for that.

The upshot of this is that it has sent me into a bit of a spin emotionally and has started to drag up all the other stuff that i have managed to control for so long. I do not blame the relationship break up for this, I simply think that as I spend more time with myself and God, without the stresses and strains that had become a part of my life, I can hide less.

I have made quite good progress on my main hurdle in life and faith - FORGIVENESS - and am now at a point of saying I can forgive the person I once professed to hold a murderous hatred for. This is not in anyway a done and dusted deal. I still have to start everyday with a sentence that proclaims I have forgiven them...some days I believe it, others I don't - but I say it anyway because I know that my healing is dependent on it and I know that that is what God wants.

So all in all, I have been going along life and have felt pretty ok with things...until today. Last night I had a dream, and although I cannot remember much of it, I can remember that I had the chance to go to my old Church and that I felt incredibly excited by that, so much so that I woke up feeling the need to go. (This is astonishing for two reasons...firstly, there has been an extended break between me and my Church for reasons I won't go in to and secondly, someone asked me at 1.10am that morning whether they would see me in Church and I had quickly responded - no...)

Having not felt so prodded by God for so long I decided to do as I was bid - even though my family were not pleased - and to Church I went (not before texting a friend to be sure of support when i was there, mind!)

The sermon was on the old favourite - Grace with a side of forgiveness. I listened to the preach, which was full of the faith that I believe in and the ideas that I feel are so fundamental to a Christian and felt myself getting angrier and angrier...and I don't really know why!

Cue my musings on the matter. Like I have mentioned above, I am further down the road of forgiving others that I have ever been (although probably just through the garden gate in all honesty) but i am no further along in the battle to forgive myself.
The sermon said that to have God's grace I have to accept His forgiveness, which I believe that I have done but when I tackle the issue of forgiving myself I find that I am lacking. How can I accept God's forgiveness and trust in that if I am not able to forgive myself? The answer is I can't!
So I am angry on three accounts:
1) That I am in a position that means I have to forgive myself for past things in the
first place.
Anyone who knows my story seems to think that there is nothing to be forgiven for and
although this is good to hear and is probably what my heart needs to hear - it makes me even
more resentful that I feel like I should be in this position.
2) That I can't seem to forgive myself.
If anyone else was in this position I would be thinking that there was nothing to forgive and I
would be encouraging them to forgive themselves - so why on earth can I not??!! This is
frustrating because I cannot see a way forward on this one. Being told that God forgives me
does not help me to forgive me!
3) That this is keeping me distant from God
I want to be close to Him, especially at this time, and the anger and unforgiveness that is in
me is keeping me at a distance...it's like me saying 'I don't trust you God - your judgment is
not good enough - just because you say that I am forgiven, doesn't mean I am' This makes me
mad.

So now I need to focus on this issue - just another small hurdle then..............honestly life can be hard sometimes.

Chocolate or Church?

Today I went to Church. This is not unusual for a Christian on one of the most important days in the calendar, that is a given, what is strange (for me at least) is that I chose to go to Church rather than eat chocolate after a thirteen week extended lent, where I gave up..........chocolate!

I am not going to lie and say that Lent was easy - it wasn't, but then again that is the point - what is gained by giving up that which we will not miss? If that is the case then I have had a time of fasting from Brussel Sprouts, ginger, cinnamon, tripe...you get the picture! So when embarking on Lent this year I decided to extend it. I wanted a constant reminder of Jesus in my life. I decided that this year would be the year that I would put ALL my faith in Jesus, not just a little or 90%, but 100%. As ever this is a work in progress, but extending Lent was a good start.

Now I do not need chocolate, I am fortunate enough to have more food than I need available to me, but I do like it. I find that at times it is a good pick-me-up emotionally and physically. Without that I HAD to rely on God for my emotional and physical caffine shot. This has proved more joyous than I can imagine, as well as being a constant reminder of Jesus and His sacrifice for me.

So today I had a choice - Chocolate or Church. In the final weeks of my Lent I had looked forward to today as a break in my fast. I had looked forward, and spoke at length, about my plans to sit and gorge myself on chocolate for the first hour of my day. How I looked forward to waking this morning!! BUT, before I fell to sleep last night I felt God telling me to go to Church in the morning. I was not impressed...that did not fit in with my chocolate plans! So I decided (quite foolishly) to bargain with God and said 'I will not put my alarm on, if I am meant to go to Church then, God, you will wake me in time'. Needless to say that God took on the plans and woke me up at 7.30 - a full three hours before Church!

Even then I thought well, I need more sleep so I will go back to sleep and will wake up in good time if God wishes me to (!!). I was awake at 9.20 on the dot and could not sleep again...even then I wasn't sure whether I had the energy to get up or whether I should languish in bed a little longer. I was at the point of deciding that I should stay and ignore God's heart that I should go to Church, when I heard the words of Amazing Grace. The words that struck me were the lines:

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

I was reminded of the lightness in my soul when I first came to Christ and how I feel when connected with God - I feel that nothing can touch me and hurt me, my heart is full to overflowing. I knew then that I didn't HAVE to go to Church but that I WANTED to. I wanted to sing with my fellow believers, I wanted to be washed with the Holy Spirit, I wanted to show God how much I love Him and how thankful I am to His Son that He would die for me and my sins - that I could be loved so much.

So I decided that I should be putting Jesus first, that I should start the day with Him. Chocolate could wait - after all it seemed somewhat insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

Happy Easter everyone! Christ is Risen...how AMAZING is that?

Happy to be living in God's love

Just a short post to say that I am happy to be a child of God.

The end

No shoes for a day...support it!!

This is an excellent campaign and all it asks is that we shed our shoes for part of (or a whole) day in order to highlight that some children in the world do not have any shoes...highlighting poverty is always worth the effort...but only if it reminds those of us who have plenty that we do so through the grace of God.

Join me in spending the day without shoes...8th of April.

Be a moon and not a Sun...

Last night, whilst driving home from work after a late information evening, I looked up at the sky and saw a huge beautiful moon in a clear sky surrounded by many stars...and I had a startling revelation..........
The moon is beautiful only because it reflects the Sun's beauty...without the Sun the Moon is no longer its full self - it still exists but it lives in the dark, hidden from the lifegiving rays of the provider.
This is like many people. God is obviously the Sun - He gives life, shines in glory and provides us with the ability to live in light and not dark. People are the Moon...they are merely reflectors of God's glory - all that we are is magnified by God, His grace allows us to shine and be fulfilled.

The problem lies with people trying to be the Sun...as many do. They want to be the source of everything, they do not want to be reliant on something else for their glory and for their very being. These people are lost and end up trying to be like the Sun and not the moon and then end up failing at both and feeling that they do not belong...why do they do it?

The moon would not fulfil its purpose without the sun...we will not fulfil our purpose without God

An interesting revelation.............................................................I shall have to muse on this further...

How do we know what God's rules are?

This topic has always been a confusing one for me. As a teacher I am often asked 'How can we prove God is real?' My usual answer is that we can't but also, how can we prove that God doesn't exist? I find it hard to get some atheist pupils to understand that once you have experienced God's love and direction in your life it is hard not to believe. But when I am asked by some pupils how I know, as a Christian, what God's rules are I stumble because of two reasons:
1) The answer is obviously that the Bible is like the 'rule book' given to us by God through people in different times and places. This I believe to be part of the truth, but I have issues with the Bible as a complete piece of scripture. I will expand on this below
2) I am inclined to think, that although the Bible was God-breathed, that is, inspired by God (I do not, and have never, considered that God dictated the Bible word by word - again I will expand on this later) and is therefore very important, that God's word and direction through prayer should be considered as showing God's rules. If I need guidance, I pray, as I have been taught and advised by 'older' Christians in the past, and then I listen. It might take me to a place in the Bible, it may be that God answers through another person, or it may be that God answers in His silence. Either way when I think I have an answer, I pray about it again for reassurance. I think that sometimes people get too caught up in relying on the Bible and forgetting that God is alive and can be addressed personally. As far as I am concerned...that is what God wants, a living relationship with His people, not one based solely in the past.

Issues with the Bible as a piece of scripture
I am not going to pull the Bible apart here, as I believe that it is a very important document and as I have said above, I rely on it in many areas of my life.
My problem comes when I think of how the Bible as we know it today, was put together and how some books were included and some were left out by two Councils of men who decided what was 'Godly' and what was not. I am sure that they had stringent rules of what to look for and what not to look for and I am hopeful that there was a lot of prayer involved in the decisions that were finally made. However, a part of me worries that an important part may have been left out or that the men that were a part of the council had an agenda in what they chose to include, consciously or subconsciously.

Obviously, these doubts say more about me than they do about anything but they are there nonetheless. For example, I believe that Paul was a godly man who gave good advice, but it has always worried me that much of the Roman Catholic (amongst others) doctrine about leadership in the church, that is men can lead, women can't, is based on him and essentially his opinion. After all, he is just one man who, whether he meant to or not, wrote from his context. It is doubtful that he considered his words to have such exacting longevity and they would still be being applied today in a totally different time, place and culture. Or that his letters would make up a majority of the New Testament.

My second point about the Bible follows from the previous point. It is that someone, sometime decided to close the book; decided that enough had been written about God and Jesus. When they did this they were stopping God's word in a moment in history. They were leaving the application of those words in the early part of the first century and, for those who believe that the Bible is the infallible word of God to be taken as written, condemning them to try and fit the advice for a particular context into theirs.

*Please do not misunderstand me, I am not suggesting that the Bible is outdated and simply a history book, the point I am trying to make is that it should be open to the changing contexts in which it finds itself. Simply because God is fluid. Therefore, returning to the women in leadership argument, I think Christians should be aware of the context in which Paul was writing when he said that women should not be teachers, should be silent in church etc because there are a plethora of reasons that he may have said it, (including the fact that he may have actually meant women forever, in every context - I am open to that). The thing that concerns me most about religion as opposed to faith is that people do not question, they are told what to believe and what certain passages mean, blind acceptance is never good. I believe that there instead should be a culture of people learning to ask God for His guidance when reading the Bible. (This is one of the reasons that I am in favour of Alpha courses and the like, where people are actively encouraged to ask hard questions of God and the Bible)*

Why is this bothering me so much at the moment? I am not sure, I suppose I am readdressing a lot of things in my life. I am looking at what is most key and am aware that my faith is the most important thing to me. I feel closer to God now than I ever have. I am now at the point of understanding the idea of a constant companion, I now do not feel that I am alone. If I'm honest, I feel that I have opened my eyes for the first time and really seen the world in all it's glory. I now WANT to sing at the top of my voice during worship not because I think God will hear the loudest, but because I want Him to know how much I love Him and how thankful I am to Him. Bearing this in mind...I think I need to know that the thing that I am basing so much of my life on, is real to me...not that it says something because another person tells me it does, I want to be in charge of my relationship with God, strike that...I want God to be in charge of our relationship, not anyone else.

I have spent the last couple of weeks in limbo regarding my faith and my life and feel that I am coming out of the smoke, I am starting to see things clearer than I ever have, and I am excited and completely and utterly scared by it all.

*As a footnote...I am aware that the position that I am taking has it's flaws in that our own interpretation means that the Bible can be used for our own means and not God's. However, I am not proposing that we just read the Bible and think, what does that mean to me. I am asking that people give some air space to God in their reading and deliberation of the Bible and act on His advice. In the past I have prayed to God about something and really disliked the answer that I have been given but have had to follow it (albeit eventually in some cases!!) because God is a God that prods us when we need it.
Second footnote...The reason I do not like the 'God dictated it approach' is because my experience of it has been that people do not follow it properly, they interpret as much as the next one , only they try to make out that they don't. Everyone that reads a text, be it the Bible, or a novel, brings their own context to it, it is impossible not to. The problem comes when people do not realise this.*

Misplaced Ownership...

I joined another church for a Bible Study this week, partly because I was invited and partly because I was curious as to what a Bible Study entailed as I have never been to one per se. The passage we were looking at was Luke 4:14-30 which isn't one that I haven't really given much thought to but one that has a lot of meaning within it.
There was much discussion on areas such as why Jesus chose to quote from the book of Isaiah, why he missed out the part about destroying enemies and why the crowd suddenly became very angry with Jesus after He talked about the Gentiles that had been helped and healed by the prophets Elijah and Elisha. On all of these points I had many thoughts (which will not shock those of you who know me) but I kept quiet as it was the first time I had met most of the people and I didn't want to talk them to death!

Of the thoughts one has stayed with me and I am starting to feel that there is a message from God in it. A message about a part of my life that I am currently struggling with.

The vicar asked us why the crowd became angry at Jesus when he said that the prophecy was fulfilled in Him and when He chastised them, reminding them that God loves all people and heals Gentiles over Jews in some instances. My first reaction was to say that it was because they felt they had ownership of Jesus and it was totally misplaced. Let me explain...
Jesus had returned to His childhood home, where people knew Him as a little boy 'Joseph, the Carpenter's son'. They felt that they knew Him and now that He was a 'Celebrity' due to all of His healings and sermons, they wanted a little bit of the action, and with it a little bit of the glory. So they felt that they had ownership of Him because they had been 'instrumental' in His journey.

An everyday example would be the X-Factor Finalists going home in the last week to see the people who are supporting them and finding people who are best friends with them...having known them at school...who are three years below them...and said hi in the corridor...once! These people often to profess to know the person and when asked 'How do you think X will react if they win?', explain in detail how they will react saying, 'that's so them!'. The truth of the matter is they have no idea and if person X was to say 'actually, you don't know me and I would never react that way', the other person would likely become angry and defensive and judgmental...just as the people who were listening to Jesus did.

Returning to the crowds...they became so angry that they 'drove Jesus out' and to the edge of a cliff. Jesus' reaction was not to fight but to stand tall and then simply walk through the crowds.
Firstly, the reason I think the crowds became so incensed (I think it is right to use such a strong word) is because they felt they had the right to say how Jesus should react and what He should say and when He did something that they didn't like, they felt disappointed in Him and let down and were reminded that in fact they had no special ownership of Him.
We were also asked what this passage might be teaching and what our three points would be if we were giving a sermon on it. One point I thought of was 'Not to base your decisions and actions on fear'. This is a two-fold point.
First part - That the reaction of the crowds was a collective one, it was fear of the unknown and the power of Jesus' words of fulfilled prophecy. They fed upon each others' fear and became a 'mob'.
Second part - This decision to drive Jesus out wasn't a sound one because the basis was fear. Jesus showed no fear (at least it isn't mentioned here in the passage). He stood there and chose the simple act of walking to show that He would not be intimidated and that His word 'A prophet is never accepted by His people' had in fact come true. The passage doesn't say that why the crowd didn't stop Him, but my guess is that they didn't trust their decision because it wasn't built on a firm foundation. It was built on summation and opinion, Jesus' was built on God.

So how does all of this apply to me?
It reminded me that no one is owned by another regardless of how 'indebted' they are to them, or what relationship they are in with them. And although we may think we 'know' people we shouldn't project our expectations on them in such a way as to make them feel that they have failed, God knows best.
Secondly, it helped me to realise that I do not need to fear another person's opinion when making decisions (which I am prone to doing), because if I do then I will base what I do on that fear and it will not be a firm foundation. Instead I need to pray about situations and listen for God's voice. If I do that, then surely, whatever the path I take, it will be the right one.

Guilt...

What a topic! I think it is safe to say that I could write about this subject forever but i'll try to keep it to a short snippet for both my sanity and yours!!

When I put the word guilt into a well known search engine these are the answers I got:

1.) The state of having committed an offense
2.) Remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense
3.) Responsibility for wrongdoing
4.) A term denoting an unpleasant feeling associated with unfulfilled wishes.
5.) Guilt is a higher form of development than shame. Guilt has an internal punitive
voice which operates at the level superego (an internalized punitive harsh
parental figure). There are two kinds of guilt: Valid guilt and invalid guilt.

This in itself is a very long list of different ideas but there is one concurrent theme running through all five and that is wrongdoing...or to put a Christian slant on it...SIN! And all mention the 'unpleasant' feeling associated with guilt.

First point...I'm not sure the word unpleasant really even begins to cover it - my experience of guilt is that it can become all consuming, it is not merely unpleasant - it is an ominous feeling of dread and the knowledge that you are soiled and unclean. My guilt makes me want to scrub my body from the inside out with bleach.

Second point...according to these definitions (apart from number 4, which i will return to in one moment.) guilt is directly linked with a person doing something wrong. So that would mean that all the guilt I feel is because of my action. That makes sense to me - for it is only if you agree to something that you can do it...but surely that is not true of everything. For instance, the people forced to kill their family in the Rwandan atrocities of 1993 - they may have felt guilty but can they really own it? The truth is that as awful as it must have been for both the family shot and the one shooting (I cannot even begin to imagine)the person was forced into the action by another more powerful, so it isn't really their guilt to own. And yet we do. On the other hand, you might argue that just because you are coerced into something that you are not at least at fault a little bit? If you didn't allow it, then surely it wouldn't have happened at all? What a confusing matter...I would say that the people of the example were acting selflessly for the love of their families.

Third point...Returning to definition 4. 'Unfulfilled wishes' Surely not winning the lottery isn't included in this so it must mean wishes that start with 'I wish I hadn't...' Or 'If only I had...' Which illustrates the most frustrating thing about guilt. Once it is there, it seems to be there forever, like soil building layer upon layer until the original guilt is merely a small thing in comparison to the whole. I have found that I may for a fleeting second feel the guilt lifting but I find this more painful because when it comes back (and it always does), it crushes me with despair and then I feel guilty for thinking for a moment that certain actions were not my fault!! It is a vicious circle.

Fourth point...drawing from the last quote, 5, 'Valid guilt and Invalid guilt' ???? what on earth does this mean? And more importantly, how can we tell whether guilt is valid or not? Surely that is just giving us a loophole in order to appease ourselves. If there is an excuse, we as humans will find it and use it.

I have no answers to these questions really...except I guess that God has to be the ultimate judge on the valid and invalid issue, but that doesn't really help in the mean time with the incapacitating feeling that I should have done something differently, or worse...I was the one that caused it. So back to prayer again, I'm not sure I have any words left or that I have any energy. I want to just return to the bank queue of constant manageable feelings where I don't have to deal with all of this............at the minute that feels like all I can do.............but then I will waste all of the 'progress' I am told I am making.............

I'll have confusion with a side order of guilt please...oh......and make sure you supersize that.

Hard Times...

In the tradition of being totally truthful on my blog, if not in real life, I feel that I need to explain something to release it from my head.

Further to my previous blogs on 'voices' there is one statement that I am constantly hearing in my head...at the most inopportune times (driving, teaching, falling to sleep) and it is the statement 'I have had enough of life'. Now this statement makes me a little apprehensive for two reasons...

The first is that it can occur at any time and more to the point, when I am feeling alright. I can be plodding along and I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness and the feeling that I have just had enough. I am not suicidal and would never consider that as an action but it is really overwhelming at times and has made me catch my breath with the intensity of it.

The second reason is that the statement is often accompanied with images that I would rather forget and it takes me away from the reality in which I am and takes me to the past where I am bound. It scares me that I am able to be so out of control with my mind and so governed by something else. I feel like my body is being taken over again and for this reason I feel like I am ceasing to exist.

Apologies for the depressing nature of this post...but sometimes the truth is depressing. I will have to hand it all to God.