For the fleeting moments that I hold on to in these times...

I may be struggling at the moment but I have been in God's presence (albeit fleetingly). These song lyrics represent a prayer. My prayer. That I will no longer live in a place where I momentarily feel God's presence, but in a place where I am living in His presence...this is my hope...that I will see me through His eyes.

“But now, this is what the LORD says—He who created you, O Jacob, he who has formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.'" 

Isaiah 43:1.

I'm a little flummoxed...

So, I thought I better tell someone at work that I am struggling a bit - not the detail just that I am a little out to sea with everything...

Bad move.

The person asked why I have to deal with any of it at all, and instead of letting it rule over me I should just put it back in its little box and esentially ignore it. They said that keeping on top of it is a good thing. They also said I had been doing well with it all and that it hadn't reared it's head for nearly five years...if only they knew.
They also said that it was silly not to tell anyone close to me and that I should see a professional rather than Church friends.

I know that this person has my best interests at heart and meant well but our conversation has added to the confusion...

Firstly, am I being silly pushing forward in this stuff? They asked 'Why do you have to deal with it now?' and I was at a loss to explain that I would rather not, if I had a choice I would do anything other than all of this but my mind, body and God have different ideas. Also, ignoring it does not make it go away, it just makes it that bit harder the next time it raises its head. Although the thought of not having my head in a confused buzz of broken heartedness is lovely...

Secondly, I found myself a little agrieved with this person...they represent the voice in my head that is continually there - the temptation of taking the 'easy' road to oblivion - of giving up.

It has been a tough week...I feel under attack and the conversation today is an illustration of this. I have been ill, twitching again and dealing with the vilest of voices questioning everything. My head is so full of argument and hate and I am reaching the pinnacle of what I feel I can deal with. It is constant.

Father, help me
Help me to push through
Help me to keep going
Help me to set my eyes on You
Amen

So that's new...*not uplifting in the slightest*

I am ill.

But I am not ill, ill...I had promised myself that I would push through all of this and that I would NOT succumb to days off. My body had other ideas. Come 4 o'clock this morning it had had enough. I woke up feeling sick and tired and generally ergh...and I haven't stopped feeling it. So I had to take the day off and I am now annoyed. More so because it looks like I might not feel better by tomorrow...but I don't want to have more time off.

It's not that I have a horrible boss or anything it's just that it is harder to carry on through this if I'm not busy. If I am alone with myself I think. And I don't want to think.

But God does want me to think I suppose. Or my body has just reached the end of it's tether (to quote Sunday's service). So back to the old favourite...let stuff go and move into pain and through it, OR... hold on to it all and be sick and stay put.

I realise that this seems like a no-brainer...and on a cognitive level it is, but on a heart level it isn't. I feel like I'm falling apart right now and I haven't even ventured to that place...

I know the message I continually hear is 'Trust God' and I want to but I don't really feel like I am in that place at the moment - really I want to run away from it all...but how can you run from yourself?

I know, I know, I am sick of listening to myself too

What a day...

The title of this post says it all really...it must rate as one of the most emotionally tiring days of my life...

Last night I recieved an email regarding something to do with Church. The content of the email was not the issue, it was the tone of it. It wasn't addressed to me per se, I was cc'd. When I recieved the email (straight to my phone) I began reading it without a seond thought to what it might be about. What followed was a feeling I have never had before...the attitude that the email had been written in was very familiar...I could not put my finger on it but I felt something of upset, dread and a full on knee-quaking fear all rolled into one. (Even now I am struggling to convey the feeling....suffice to say that all I wanted to do was run - away from my life, from my past, from me.)

So when I got up this morning and went to Church, it was not without some trepidation...Church has a very disarming quality - the presence of God and the worship has me almost crumbling most weeks - I was not looking forward to going to Church, already as disarmed as I can ever remember being.

But I did.

Now what I haven't said thus far is that with the feeling of dread came the knowledge that there was something that I knew but was just out of my reach - a truth that I would rather forget...when the speaker in church encouraged us to open up to God and accept His invitation to minister to the weary, I had no more energy to fight. It was not a conscious decision, I had no more reserves. I let God in. I remembered.

This had the effect of winding me twice as much as the email had.

At the end of the service there was an invitation to prayer...I wasn't going to go until my friend, who is having struggles of her own, came past me and said 'Are you going up?' took one look at me and answered it herself with a 'yes'. So up I went.

I recieved prayer from a variety of people and words regarding God's strength and love for me, and encouragement that God wants me to hand it all over to Him. I heard them all...yet still fought to regain control over the silent tears that continued to fall. One friend then said that she had a picture of me as a pipe that was twisted and full of kinks. She said that God would undo those kinks one by one and allow the flow to be resumed and that He would do it slowly and allow me to continue, it would not be an all or nothing sort of thing. I have long considered myself to be a mess of twisted knots so this made complete sense.I will have to trust God to untie them at the right pace I suppose...although this is a downright scary thought.

After gaining a little normality in conversations I left church and spent the day helping a friend to gain some order in her house. I often find service is a great medicine to emotional upset - at least it is for me.

So I am now left reeling. I believe that I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit today (for more than a fleeting glance), that in itself has to be worth a couple of posts (!!) but more so, I am left with the new knowledge and not sure what to do with it. I believe that this is what it is to feel truely heartbroken.

'Oh there You are God!'

One of the most heartwarming scenes in a children's film comes in Hook when the littlest Lost Boy searches Robin Williams' face and after some time, breaks into a glorious smile and exclaims 'Oh there you are Peter!' This is exactly how I felt last night, in regard to God.

It is no secret that I struggle with my past. I also struggle with God's presence, or lack of it, to be precise. In addition, I have always felt pulled to The Footprints in the Sand poem. The part where the man says 'In my hardest times I looked back and saw only one set of footprints, where were you then?' And God replies, 'When there were only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.'

(I agree that this is thus far a little rambl-y...but stick with it, I have a point - and a very heartwarming one at that...)

If you put these three pieces of information together, it is a wonder that I have ever entered into a relationship with God because it shows that I do not trust Him to be there even if I do not feel Him...and moreover, it has lead to a deep seated anger at God for abandoning me in my time of need when I was very young. However, I do believe in God and I want, with all my heart, to follow Him and resolve some of my issues (because let's face it, they are mine and not His.)

Cue an impromptu talk with a friend last night...
I had had a word from God for this particular friend a while back and hadn't said anything because I wanted to be sure that it WAS a word and not anything else. Anyhoo, after ascertaining what a word from God is likely to look like, feel like and be tried against (Bible) I decided to share it with her. This lead to an excellent conversation about anger, suffering, heaven and hell and God absenteeism.
Whilst I have a small handle of the first four (by no means do I mean to say I understand them all fully, I don't) I have had no joy with the latter because I have always felt that God ignored me in my situation, even though I called directly to Him, and even if He didn't, He let it continue. So when she asked about God's place in my situation, what followed cannot have been my words, as I had none...

I found myself explaining to her that because something instant didn't happen to relieve me of the situation I was in, I had always thought God had sat by and watched the situation unfold. BUT, I realise that actually I did get out of the situation, out of a situation that it seemed I would be in for years, at the very least! It was then that I heard my voice say 'God heard me and saw the situation and knew that I was not the only one who needed rescuing, He could have handpicked me moved me in an instant but He knew that I needed my family and that they needed to come with me. So God took the time to soften my mother's heart, to show her where things were going wrong and to give her the strength to stand up to her nemesis. That way my removal from the situation would be permanent. Only when this had all happened did God know that I would be safe forever.'

Now I don't know about you, but that last sentence seems very well informed and thought out for it to be only me talking about something in which I have struggled to see the wood for the trees. So I have to conclude that even though I was trying to explain something to my friend, God used it to communicate with me.

I felt like I had been looking deep into my situation, like the Lost Boy looked into Peter's face, and suddenly broke out into a glorious smile, exclaiming 'Oh there You are God!' I believe that that is what freedom must feel like.

I may not be there yet but I am on my way!! Hallelujah

Musing on the day...

Strange day today...felt a lot better than I have for the last few days...neck is better and my face is no longer sagging on the one side - bonus! I knew everything would be alright again in a couple of days but I am shocked at how quick it has all happened - my only conclusion is that it is the power of prayer...so for the first time in ages I decided to pray a prayer of thanksgiving to the Father...

A couple of things...
Firstly, I had forgotten that prayer could be a simple thank you. I had gotten into the mind set of focussing prayer on peoples needs - which is a part of it, but i had somehow missed the part of prayer that is the conversation of a relationship. My friends who are praying with me have been encouraging me to speak with God and tell Him what is on my heart...I was going along with it and praying aloud but it was more a conversation between me and my friends and not God...I think I finally get what they have been on about!!
When they had asked me to tell God what I was mad at or what I was feeling, I had chosen to list the problems and not enter into a dialogue with God - how rude of me! I needed a reminder and today's joy at my healing was the catalyst...I am in a relationship with God and I need to allow Him in.

I also took a further step and spoke to God as Abba - not 'The Big Dude', God, His Holiness etc...but Abba...it felt strange yet wonderful. The term Abba reminded me of the special place I have in His heart. Must-keep-this-up...

The healing of my neck was also the catalyst that prompted me to pray this morning. I had woken up with a severe tummy ache and instead of the usual drudgery of thinking 'well that's it then, a day at work in pain...' my first thought was 'God, I am in pain and I am tired, I hand you the reins, please make this pain go away in Jesus' name. Amen'. Needless to say I have been painfree all day...so my thought process now says that if God can be bothered to heal my, quite pitiful physical pain in the grand scheme of things, what more could He do for my emotional pain?

So the lesson is...ASK God, HAND it to God, ALLOW God to take control, TRUST in the Lord.

'And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.'

(Luke 11:9)

Technology and community...

Having just delivered a talk to parents about the issues surrounding online communities and their children I have been struck by my own question...'how many Facebook friends do your children actually know?'

I have lots of Facebook friends and have only ever accepted people I know or knew when I was younger...but do I really know them? Do they know me? A lot of my school friends remember the me from school - I wasn't a Christian then, and although I do not hide it on my profile, I guess half of them wouldn't really know how much of my life is affected by my beliefs...that I am a living Christian, not a dying one...

This leads me to two thoughts...
1) Should I cull all those friends who don't know the real me? Or...
2) Shall I proclaim the real me a little louder? Is Facebook really the forum for that?

This line of thought has also led me to consider the change in community that I see in children everyday. Chatting face to face is no longer the only real way to engage in friendship, fellowship and community. Many people now strike up friendships online and not in person. So much so that we refer to an 'online community'. But is this really a community?

I find it amusing (and a little astounding) when I see Facebook telling me to leave a message on so and so's wall because we haven't spoken in a while...fact is I have usually just had dinner with them and their family!! So i now feel a little concerned for the emphasis that is being put upon the online community...of course it is a community of sorts but never can it replace the fellowship of personal contact and conversation over a coffee, surely?

I do not know what God thinks of the cyberworld as such but I do know that the Bible puts strong emphasis on community and the Church of believers. Throughout the Bible there are verses that proclaim the importance of visiting and serving others...

Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

(Romans 12:13)

With this word fresh in my mind I feel prodded to engage more in face to face fellowship, rather than online fellowship. I shall endeavour to send birthday cards rather than leave a simple line on a wall in the hope that I have done my duty as a friend...how much more would a friend benefit from the thought and time spent in sending a card?! I would also like my new house to be a beacon for God, a place where people feel comfortable and able to come to whenever they want...a place of hospitality, not for my ego or for compliments, but for the love of God who teaches us to extend a hand to those who need it, never considering that the favour should be returned.

So to return to Facebook...I need to use it less for convenience on my part in engaging with others, and more about glorifying God through the friendships I have by extending the hand of hospitality. Sorted.

I believe that technology has a place within a community, but do not believe that it can build up a community or edify it...only good old fashioned love, time and conversation can do that.

Priorities...and such like...

I wrote this at the beginning of the year and didn't post it - I have since read it and decided that I should, so here it is...

As I begin this New Year I do so in a completely different place than the one I expected to be in, this time last year. Last year I was in a long term relationship, living with my partner and playing pseudo part time mum to a teenage girl. This year I begin it single, living in my own house on my own, with no children. The latter reads as though it is the booby prize, the lesser of the two...the truth is the exact opposite. I am better off this year than I was last year. I am able to better focus on me and my life and I am therefore closer to God. This has however forced me to consider my priorities, what is most important to me?

First and foremost, my last relationship taught me that marriage and children (in that order) is the single most important goal of my life. I will die happy if I die a wife and mother (in many years time...obviously). Where this is not possible in a relationship...neither is the relationship. This as a priority, naturally leads me to consider the steps that I will take to achieve it. The foundation of this is my partner...whoever he may be...

(Do not for a second think that this is a 'poor, lonely girl' post, it is actually the antithesis of that.)

It is fair to say that my future partner is of no concern to me. I am not worried that I am single and do not worry that I will die alone...I have faith in God that I will find my partner when He believes I am ready and it is right. For this reason it is of no concern.

This has a very freeing effect...my main life goal is in His hands and not mine...which, in a weird circular argument, leaves me free to focus my energies on God. My life is fun again, I am living with the childlike wonder I had forgotten...

My main priority therefore is God.

Tough few days...

I look forward to the day that my posts become positive to read!! My goal is to try to see the positive in everything that I do and to look for God in my times of trial...

The last couple of weeks have been tough, tough because I have decided to go down the path that I have so long avoided. I have attempted this many times over but this time it seems to be different...to start with I have (so far) stuck to it. I think that the main reason is, that I haven't chosen to go to a regular counsellor this time (at the last count I have tried to engage in counselling on 4 separate occasions - all of which have been either disastrous or shallow experiences.) This time around I am dealing with stuff through regular meetings with my friends (an Elder from Church and his wife.) Neither profess to be counsellors, but both profess to wait in the presence of THE Counsellor. The meetings involve lots of prayer and some talking...but prayer is the main event.

What do I think of it so far?
Well, I'm not going to lie, I am not enjoying it in the slightest...but I think that I am beginning to feel a little bit of light in that I now think I may be able to live a free life eventually. This is a big step for me. From here to there, it looks like a long windy and frankly, treacherous road...I am glad God is with me, and my friends.

Problems?
Yes - the main one happened after our meeting yesterday. Towards the end of a harrowing recounting I developed a neck twitch that made me look like I was beckoning everyone over to me. My friend prayed for it to leave but it was tenacious...so much so that it carried on for the entire day today, much to the amusement and then worry of my colleagues! It has only just stopped - a full 22 hours after it started.

What can I garner from this experience? That I need to let go. There was a point in the meeting last night where I felt tears and sadness like I have never known, well up and threaten to overflow. God was working in my dry eyes and stone heart to give me the release that I needed at that point, and have needed for, well, ever I suppose. At that moment I had a choice - allow God to take control and see where it took me, or struggle for my own control and swallow this alien feeling down. I am ashamed to say that I chose the latter. This is when the tic started.

The tic was the outward sign of my inward turmoil, the very image and display of my stuck-ness. The repetitive nature of the movement showed me just how I approach this situation. I go to move forward and then just as I think I have, I step back. I am afraid of the dark.
What God has taught me in this affliction is that I am not in fact afraid of the dark, but that I am afraid of the light, His light. I am afraid that it will light up all the recesses of my memories and show me things that I don't want to see or remember.

Two things from this...
1) No matter how I look at it (and I do regularly as is evident in my posts on here...) I am going to have to trust God to hold me up when I cannot stand, and to give me strength when I can no longer look at my past and most importantly, to love me no matter what is revealed.
2) Whether I want to see or remember is actually superfluous...I do remember, at least my body does - that is why it reacts the way it does. Hiding from what is there, doesn't mean it isn't there in the first place, it means that I am simply putting my head in the sand.
A good friend of mine was recounting a speech made by a lady from her church at a recent Ladies Day. She said that the armour of God in Ephesians 6 speaks of many areas, but does not speak of armour for your back. When you run your back is not protected. Who do I need protection from? Not God - if I stand with God my back is no longer a weak spot...I am clothed in His armour, the strongest and most heavenly armour...how I wish i had cried last night, but at the same time, no matter how much my neck still hurts, I think I needed that lesson to see that God can only peel away the layers and examine them if I let Him; not because I am higher or stronger than God, but because He is a loving parent who wants us to let Him help us.

'The LORD is my light and my salvation -

whom should I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life - 

of whom should I be afraid?

(Psalm 27:1)

For He will conceal me in His shelter

in the day of adversity;

He will hide me under the cover of His tent;

He will set me high on a rock.

Then my head will be high above my enemies around me;

(Psalm 27:5-6)

On this day of love...

Lord give me the strength to trust you, the faith to put my future in Your hands,
Let people leave their 'commercial' valentines love and move ever closer to You,
Let my love for you shine through my actions so that more people may come to know the most nourishing love there is, Your love

Amen