A different culture, a different gender but the notion is the same...

Like buses...

When you open up to God, He has an uncanny ability to communicate with you...funny that...


Bearing the last post in mind (which I posted little over 40 minutes ago), I have been back to surfing the net and quite randomly came across this 'inspirational letter'...(I find that term very american and empty but the content is excellent!)

It has to be more than a coincidence...

Dear Child:
I just wanted to remind you today of how beautiful you are because there is a father of lies who will try to deceive you. He will try to tell you that you are not good enough, not attractive enough, not thin enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, not righteous enough, and that you are simply unimportant to Me.
He will try to tell you that you have broken one too many promises, that you have fallen one too many times, that you have lived one too many lies, and that you’ve been going in the wrong direction so long that it is pointless to turn back now.
But guess what?
YOU DO NOT BELONG TO HIM. HE IS NOT YOUR FATHER.
I AM.
You see, you are My creation. My workmanship. You have been borne of My thought, every part of you placed together by My hands. You have My thumbprint upon you. You are a princess, did you know that? You are My child, the child of THE King!
I look at you and see a precious, priceless pearl. There is no ocean I would not swim, no mountain I would not climb, no price I would not pay to have you and to be with you and call you My own.
I already have.
I have done all that I could, given all that there is. I desire to be with you every moment of every day. How I long for you to talk to Me every day. My love for you never grows cold. My promises are never broken (contrary to what he might lead you to believe). My character never changes.And you, my child have been made in My image.
I love you dearly, unconditionally and completely. I understand every emotion that you have. I’ve been there. I count every tear that you cry. I know every hair on your head.
And do you know what?
I even know your weaknesses and your failures and your fears. I know those hidden parts of you that you wish would go away. Those dark corners of your world that you stuff deep down, praying that no one will ever see. I have already seen them and they will not change my love for you.
Nothing will.
I love your heart and I desire all of it.
I just wanted to remind you today of how beautiful you are and how precious you are to Me.
With Unmeasurable Love,
Your Heavenly Father

Wow.

Pressing on...God delivers...

Last night I was challenged to start to actively seek what God wants for me and to hear what God thinks of me. To confront the fact that God loves me regardless of what I may think of myself.

This has obviously been playing on my mind because I have been up for hours and it is only just 9am. I woke up with a headache and a feeling of tension. After procrastinating for a while watching documentaries on the 'net, I bit the bullet. What was supposed to be a prayer to God to say...well...I'm not sure - I just felt like I should pray...became a cry for help. Through the prayer I realised that I cannot come to accept God's love in my heart (my head got it ages ago) in my own strength, because the part of me that says I am not good enough, or worth it, is far stronger than the part of me that wants what God wants for me. I have to rely on God's strength...

With this knowledge I took my first baby steps...and allowed a few tears...and I felt God say 'Ephesians 3'. Just for the benefits of the skeptics out there, I have no idea what Ephesians 3 says (and would by nature be inclined to look at an even number as I don't like odd numbers - so I know that I didn't choose the scripture). I read it and found this jumping out at me: (bold emphasis added by me)

¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Now, it is possible that I am reading into this passage but when you consider that there are 1189 chapters in the Bible and that they cover all sorts of topics, most of which would be irrelevant to me at this moment in time...I think it would be more foolhardy to think that this is just a coincidence, although I do still leave room for the possibility that some will think this. I am CHOOSING to have faith that God gave me the passage.

What the passage says to me (the bold bits in particular) is that God is bigger and better than my situation. He is able to deal with what I cannot. That His love surpasses all the knowledge that I am currently trying to deal with. And that Christ can only find a home in my battered heart, if I am faithful. I need to suspend my earthly thinking and simply trust God.

I have a feeling that there may well be more tears to come...acceptance is a hard pill to swallow.

Rejoicing in death...strange...

So today brings the news that Osama Bin Laden has 'finally' been killed by American forces. There is so much to say on this topic, not to mention the conspiracy theories that are now doubtless doing the rounds.

More than anything I am more concerned with the unabated joy of people all over the world...status upon status on facebook reads like a victory call 'Osama is dead - today is a good day' etc. Now I am not in any way condoning the acts of atrocity that Osama Bin Laden has taken 'credit' for, I still remain disgusted at the events of 9/11. But I am also reminded of the swell of hatred incited from the pictures of people celebrating the demise of the Twin Towers...I am sorry to say that the West's crowing about his death is likely to have the same effect in reverse.

It is difficult to claim a victory over a man who fears nothing - even death. In fact his death now make him a martyr in his followers eyes...it is possible that he will become more powerful in his death than he ever was alive.

I remain worried for the mentality of a world where death is a cause for celebration - no matter how evil the person's actions may have been. Especially when the death will have little effect on the cause he stood for...or worse, may inject fire into the minds of those who twist the words of their faith.

Thank God for the computer virus...

I know it may sound strange but the title of this post is actually a shout of thanksgiving - not tongue-in-cheek. During my Easter holidays (right at the beginning, actually) my home laptop had a visit from an unwanted guest - the 'Windows' Security Centre virus. This virus is apparently hanging out in search engines and unbeknown to me my virus security had failed...but continued to look like it was working, strangely! So I was ripe for an invasion.

The virus is basically a scam virus which says that you have all sorts of trojans and virus' on your computer and that you need to buy an updated version of something or other in order to fight it. The truth is that the files that appear deleted are simply 'hidden' files and what this scam does is essentially gain access to your credit card details. Simple but very clever as it preys on fear.

Initally I was really worried about the lost files (until I did some research on the virus...knowledge is power!) and then I was just miffed. However, over the course of the two weeks that I did not have access to my computer I found freedom! I suddenly found that I had spare time to read and write and pray. The time that I would usually have spent on Facebook was becoming useful time to devote to more worthwhile enterprises.

This time also gave me cause to reflect on just how much I have come to rely on my laptop for ease and convenience when buying things or finding things out...as excellent as the internet is, I feel I have had my eyes opened as to how lazy I have become in some areas!

The time for reflection that I had now been afforded led me to consider virus' and attacks. I started to think about my life with God and how sometimes it is easy to feel like you have virus protection because you are a Christian - but it doesn't work like that. You can't say I am a Christian and leave it there - God calls us to a relationship with Him - it is ongoing...like my virus protection needs to be. It is easy to be laxidasical but should we be with our spiritual health? I don't want to be attacked spiritually...but I will be if I don't continue to renew myself in God's love, grace and strength.

So all in all, my loss of computer for two weeks has been the most fruitful bereavement I have had in a long time...I must remember the lessons I have learned so that I don't fall into the trap of 'contentent'...or should that read laziness!!

Having a morning of random thoughts...

One of those mornings browsing the internet without any real direction...During these times I waver from thinking that I am wasting my time to finding that I am led to random things that have a message from God in them.

This morning I have felt pushed toward thinking of Christian youth work...I think God is putting a passion in me to work with teenagers (not in my day job, as this would be obvious!) within my church. I am not sure where and how this will be fulfilled but I am alive with ideas and energy for the youth and feel drawn to helping them make sense of Jesus' sacrifice in the confusing world of the adolescent...more on this to follow I guess.

I have also been randomly linking on youtube...where you click on the suggestions and before you know it you are wacthing something really random like skateboarding when you originally started looking at 'how to make bread successfully' or something equally unrelated.

My random linkage led me to some videos by a person called 'some grey bloke'. I have seen some of these videos before and often thought that they are an interesting insight into an atheist who is seeking God...albeit indirectly. These two videos struck me the most:

I feel that they highlight the importance of making God's message accessible to people. We shouldn't use terms and words that are sometimes, lets face it, downright confusing. We also need to address the more simple questions and not ignore people when they ask 'Did Jesus use the toilet?' If the question is asked, we should ask God how we should answer it, not skirt around the issue! I feel like God wants to remind me that we are all children with questions...if we ask, we will find. And just think, by answering and engaging with people you may help someone to find Jesus - to find salvation - a sobering thought.

Betrayal...

This is a new one for me, without going too far into it...I have recently faced up to the fact that people who I loved (and still do) have betrayed me in some way in my life. This has proved most devastating and has become a real area of shutdown in my communication with God.

Towards the end of last week I felt that I was really moving forward to the last stage of preparation in order to begin the first stage of healing (try to keep up if you can...) This week I am stuck and it is all because of the betrayal I feel. It has had a most immobilising effect on me...I am simply existing...which feels like a backward step. So all in all, I feel beleaguered.

Having just read this back, I sound like a woe-is-me sort of person today and I don't really like being that person but I think that I will have to face up to the fact that I am allowed to feel pain and not just brush it off with a 'I'm sure I'll get over it', which I have noticed I am apt to do more and more. I need to stop belittling my feelings because everytime I do, I put a stop on them.

Back to betrayal. Like I said this has had a strange glue effect on me this week. Like a rabbit in headlights I have not really known what to do with it, or where to turn...God would be the obvious answer but I have felt...anger (?)...towards Him for the lastest installment and so have unconciously closed myself off - although still communicated with Him for other people - it seems it is just me that I have the God issue with.

I decided today that as I have noticed that I am distancing myself from God, I need to do something proactive to stop it and to re-engage. So I started to think about betrayal in light of God and how people have betrayed Him, He who gives us grace by His love...

The biggest betrayal I have been reminded of is the betrayal that Jesus must have felt when Judas kissed Him in the Garden of Gethsemene, and more than that, when His disciples denied Him to save themselves.

Jesus, fully God and fully man, did not shy away from His feelings of worry and betrayal that He felt. In fact He spoke with God in the Garden of Gethsemene the night before Judas was to give Him over to the Romans and the Jews (Matt 26:36-44) asking God if He could take this cup (duty) away from Him. Jesus was scared of what He knew He must go through and yet He submitted to His Father. He knew the pain that He was to feel and yet He knew that He must push through it...and all for US - not for even for Himself!
This has had the effect of humbling me a little in my own pain...and at the same time giving me permission to own it...
1) Owning my pain - If Jesus was able to worry and ask God what He knew He could not have and talk with God to understand why He must go through it, then surely I can too. Surely God is big enough to hear my fears, worries and anger - even my accusations against Him. I know more and more in my head that God is not to blame for my pain but as I go into it I have to admit that I feel anger towards God and I can either ignore it and pretend, or be truthful and own it.
2) Humbling - my pain is just that MY pain. It is for actions of the past - Jesus' pain was not for His wrongdoing and it was for all actions -  past, present and future. It puts, what has been rather consuming, in a wider setting so that I can see how small my pain is in reality - that doesn't mean that it is insignificant - to God all pain matters. But it does mean that if Jesus can survive the pain of the cross for us, then with His help I can survive my pain.

Betrayal is a new feeling, a horrible feeling, and I don't know what to do with it...but God does because He felt it most keenly in Jesus, when His own people sent Him to death and denied Him...I suppose, therefore, I should turn to the expert.

How I CHOOSE to feel...

Update - last night I nearly cried. Nearly let some/all of it out at my prayer meeting. But alas, the scared child in me won out again...still progress I think. And it got me considering how I can remain in faith when I am starting to feel emotions that are, well...quite frankly, devastating. 

The last week has felt a little like a crash course in life and how regular people might feel in some situations...almost as if God is showing me how I can rejoin the human race that I have felt so alien from for so long. I must say all of these emotions (and I think that I am only really feeling a shadow of them because I can't will myself to stay in them long enough to grasp them fully) have a consuming quality about them. They actually take over your body physically and mentally as well as emotionally...I was not prepared for that. However, this is most probably what God is using this period for - preparation - for the final push toward emotional release. I can't even say the final push because actually, paradoxically, this final push to the emotional stuff actually BEGINS my healing in the real sense. Everything up to now, I believe, has been preparation. I am so thankful that we have a God who prepares us. God knows what we need and He knew that if he had presented me with the feelings He has this week, even a couple of months ago, I would have run in the opposite direction. God has a time for everything and I am just beginnng to understand what that looks like. If I trust (there's that word again) in Him then everything will be as it should be, and I will not be given more than I can bear. It is when I try to do things under my own steam that I become inundated, and stressed, I guess...

So for that reason I sing this song of praise...

I had a picture at Church...

...and I didn't share it...

And now I am aggrieved with myself for not sharing it as if it was mine to withhold! Someone brought a word about scum in bath water and how this was a sign of the sin within us being washed away by Christ's living water...and at the same time as the guy was talking I had a picture pop into my head...

It was of a white surface, maybe tiles on a wall or a white table. This surface had muddy marks on it. There were two dishcloths nearby. A hand picked up the first dishcloth that looked a little grubby and tried to clean off the grubby marks to no avail. This dishcloth simply spread the dirt and left a bigger, albeit diluted, stain. The hand then disgarded the first dishcloth and picked up the second. This dishcloth was pure white, as if new. When this came into contact with the stains it simply digested them, enveloped them...the only visible change was that the bright cloth became a little dirtier...but no matter how dirty it became it still had the same effect on any stains it wiped up.

I felt the message was simple. The first cloth stood for the person that you rely on to sort your problems for you, or with you. For me that would be my mother. This person has the ability to spread the problem (dirt) over a wider area and dilute it so that we are able to see through it. But they are not able to clean it all away. This is because they have their problems and sin and this prevents them from wiping up our mess, because their dirt can have the added effect of making us dirtier, even if the intention is to clean.
The second cloth is Jesus. Pure, white, sinless Christ. With Jesus we can have our problems/sin/dirt wiped clean away. Jesus took our sin on the cross and so when we allow Jesus to wipe us clean we are infact, simply acknowledging all that He has ALREADY done for us. He can soak up ANY sin if we allow Him to - He does not taint, He does not smudge, He erases.

As I write this I feel that God may be talking directly to me on this matter. My main struggle currently is wishing that my mother could take away my pain and make everything better. I know in my heart that this is not the case but it hasn't stopped me wishing it. This illustration from God is a reminder that I should stop looking to my mother for answers that she is unable to give. And more to the point, advice from my mother on this matter would be tainted by her own experiences and feelings...so therefore, it wouldn't be that useful in the long run - a short term fix as it were. Only Jesus can advise me and wipe me clean - in fact, He already has...I just have to recieve that again I suppose.

Last week God reminded me not to look to my earthly fathers for protection and provision, this week He is telling me not to look to my earthly mother for guidance and support...for all of these things I should look to my heavenly Father...bit by bit God is breaking down my walls and misconceptions...makes you wonder what will be left. I suspect it will be nothing but God - which in turn, is EVERYTHING...

Good to check the emphasis once in a while...