Musings-Of-A-Brand-New-Believer

A different culture, a different gender but the notion is the same...

2011-06-04T08:56:00.000+01:00

Like buses...

2011-05-07T09:42:00.000+01:00

When you open up to God, He has an uncanny ability to communicate with you...funny that...

Bearing the last post in mind (which I posted little over 40 minutes ago), I have been back to surfing the net and quite randomly came across this 'inspirational letter'...(I find that term very american and empty but the content is excellent!)

It has to be more than a coincidence...

Dear Child:
I just wanted to remind you today of how beautiful you are because there is a father of lies who will try to deceive you. He will try to tell you that you are not good enough, not attractive enough, not thin enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, not righteous enough, and that you are simply unimportant to Me.
He will try to tell you that you have broken one too many promises, that you have fallen one too many times, that you have lived one too many lies, and that you’ve been going in the wrong direction so long that it is pointless to turn back now.
But guess what?
YOU DO NOT BELONG TO HIM. HE IS NOT YOUR FATHER.
I AM.
You see, you are My creation. My workmanship. You have been borne of My thought, every part of you placed together by My hands. You have My thumbprint upon you. You are a princess, did you know that? You are My child, the child of THE King!
I look at you and see a precious, priceless pearl. There is no ocean I would not swim, no mountain I would not climb, no price I would not pay to have you and to be with you and call you My own.
I already have.
I have done all that I could, given all that there is. I desire to be with you every moment of every day. How I long for you to talk to Me every day. My love for you never grows cold. My promises are never broken (contrary to what he might lead you to believe). My character never changes.And you, my child have been made in My image.
I love you dearly, unconditionally and completely. I understand every emotion that you have. I’ve been there. I count every tear that you cry. I know every hair on your head.
And do you know what?
I even know your weaknesses and your failures and your fears. I know those hidden parts of you that you wish would go away. Those dark corners of your world that you stuff deep down, praying that no one will ever see. I have already seen them and they will not change my love for you.
Nothing will.
I love your heart and I desire all of it.
I just wanted to remind you today of how beautiful you are and how precious you are to Me.
With Unmeasurable Love,
Your Heavenly Father

Wow.

Pressing on...God delivers...

2011-05-07T09:19:00.000+01:00

Last night I was challenged to start to actively seek what God wants for me and to hear what God thinks of me. To confront the fact that God loves me regardless of what I may think of myself.

This has obviously been playing on my mind because I have been up for hours and it is only just 9am. I woke up with a headache and a feeling of tension. After procrastinating for a while watching documentaries on the 'net, I bit the bullet. What was supposed to be a prayer to God to say...well...I'm not sure - I just felt like I should pray...became a cry for help. Through the prayer I realised that I cannot come to accept God's love in my heart (my head got it ages ago) in my own strength, because the part of me that says I am not good enough, or worth it, is far stronger than the part of me that wants what God wants for me. I have to rely on God's strength...

With this knowledge I took my first baby steps...and allowed a few tears...and I felt God say 'Ephesians 3'. Just for the benefits of the skeptics out there, I have no idea what Ephesians 3 says (and would by nature be inclined to look at an even number as I don't like odd numbers - so I know that I didn't choose the scripture). I read it and found this jumping out at me: (bold emphasis added by me)

¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Now, it is possible that I am reading into this passage but when you consider that there are 1189 chapters in the Bible and that they cover all sorts of topics, most of which would be irrelevant to me at this moment in time...I think it would be more foolhardy to think that this is just a coincidence, although I do still leave room for the possibility that some will think this. I am CHOOSING to have faith that God gave me the passage.

What the passage says to me (the bold bits in particular) is that God is bigger and better than my situation. He is able to deal with what I cannot. That His love surpasses all the knowledge that I am currently trying to deal with. And that Christ can only find a home in my battered heart, if I am faithful. I need to suspend my earthly thinking and simply trust God.

I have a feeling that there may well be more tears to come...acceptance is a hard pill to swallow.

Rejoicing in death...strange...

2011-05-02T19:58:00.000+01:00

So today brings the news that Osama Bin Laden has 'finally' been killed by American forces. There is so much to say on this topic, not to mention the conspiracy theories that are now doubtless doing the rounds.

More than anything I am more concerned with the unabated joy of people all over the world...status upon status on facebook reads like a victory call 'Osama is dead - today is a good day' etc. Now I am not in any way condoning the acts of atrocity that Osama Bin Laden has taken 'credit' for, I still remain disgusted at the events of 9/11. But I am also reminded of the swell of hatred incited from the pictures of people celebrating the demise of the Twin Towers...I am sorry to say that the West's crowing about his death is likely to have the same effect in reverse.

It is difficult to claim a victory over a man who fears nothing - even death. In fact his death now make him a martyr in his followers eyes...it is possible that he will become more powerful in his death than he ever was alive.

I remain worried for the mentality of a world where death is a cause for celebration - no matter how evil the person's actions may have been. Especially when the death will have little effect on the cause he stood for...or worse, may inject fire into the minds of those who twist the words of their faith.

Thank God for the computer virus...

2011-04-27T12:13:00.000+01:00

I know it may sound strange but the title of this post is actually a shout of thanksgiving - not tongue-in-cheek. During my Easter holidays (right at the beginning, actually) my home laptop had a visit from an unwanted guest - the 'Windows' Security Centre virus. This virus is apparently hanging out in search engines and unbeknown to me my virus security had failed...but continued to look like it was working, strangely! So I was ripe for an invasion.

The virus is basically a scam virus which says that you have all sorts of trojans and virus' on your computer and that you need to buy an updated version of something or other in order to fight it. The truth is that the files that appear deleted are simply 'hidden' files and what this scam does is essentially gain access to your credit card details. Simple but very clever as it preys on fear.

Initally I was really worried about the lost files (until I did some research on the virus...knowledge is power!) and then I was just miffed. However, over the course of the two weeks that I did not have access to my computer I found freedom! I suddenly found that I had spare time to read and write and pray. The time that I would usually have spent on Facebook was becoming useful time to devote to more worthwhile enterprises.

This time also gave me cause to reflect on just how much I have come to rely on my laptop for ease and convenience when buying things or finding things out...as excellent as the internet is, I feel I have had my eyes opened as to how lazy I have become in some areas!

The time for reflection that I had now been afforded led me to consider virus' and attacks. I started to think about my life with God and how sometimes it is easy to feel like you have virus protection because you are a Christian - but it doesn't work like that. You can't say I am a Christian and leave it there - God calls us to a relationship with Him - it is ongoing...like my virus protection needs to be. It is easy to be laxidasical but should we be with our spiritual health? I don't want to be attacked spiritually...but I will be if I don't continue to renew myself in God's love, grace and strength.

So all in all, my loss of computer for two weeks has been the most fruitful bereavement I have had in a long time...I must remember the lessons I have learned so that I don't fall into the trap of 'contentent'...or should that read laziness!!

Having a morning of random thoughts...

2011-04-16T10:46:00.001+01:00

One of those mornings browsing the internet without any real direction...During these times I waver from thinking that I am wasting my time to finding that I am led to random things that have a message from God in them.

This morning I have felt pushed toward thinking of Christian youth work...I think God is putting a passion in me to work with teenagers (not in my day job, as this would be obvious!) within my church. I am not sure where and how this will be fulfilled but I am alive with ideas and energy for the youth and feel drawn to helping them make sense of Jesus' sacrifice in the confusing world of the adolescent...more on this to follow I guess.

I have also been randomly linking on youtube...where you click on the suggestions and before you know it you are wacthing something really random like skateboarding when you originally started looking at 'how to make bread successfully' or something equally unrelated.

My random linkage led me to some videos by a person called 'some grey bloke'. I have seen some of these videos before and often thought that they are an interesting insight into an atheist who is seeking God...albeit indirectly. These two videos struck me the most:

I feel that they highlight the importance of making God's message accessible to people. We shouldn't use terms and words that are sometimes, lets face it, downright confusing. We also need to address the more simple questions and not ignore people when they ask 'Did Jesus use the toilet?' If the question is asked, we should ask God how we should answer it, not skirt around the issue! I feel like God wants to remind me that we are all children with questions...if we ask, we will find. And just think, by answering and engaging with people you may help someone to find Jesus - to find salvation - a sobering thought.

Betrayal...

2011-04-05T17:37:00.000+01:00

This is a new one for me, without going too far into it...I have recently faced up to the fact that people who I loved (and still do) have betrayed me in some way in my life. This has proved most devastating and has become a real area of shutdown in my communication with God.

Towards the end of last week I felt that I was really moving forward to the last stage of preparation in order to begin the first stage of healing (try to keep up if you can...) This week I am stuck and it is all because of the betrayal I feel. It has had a most immobilising effect on me...I am simply existing...which feels like a backward step. So all in all, I feel beleaguered.

Having just read this back, I sound like a woe-is-me sort of person today and I don't really like being that person but I think that I will have to face up to the fact that I am allowed to feel pain and not just brush it off with a 'I'm sure I'll get over it', which I have noticed I am apt to do more and more. I need to stop belittling my feelings because everytime I do, I put a stop on them.

Back to betrayal. Like I said this has had a strange glue effect on me this week. Like a rabbit in headlights I have not really known what to do with it, or where to turn...God would be the obvious answer but I have felt...anger (?)...towards Him for the lastest installment and so have unconciously closed myself off - although still communicated with Him for other people - it seems it is just me that I have the God issue with.

I decided today that as I have noticed that I am distancing myself from God, I need to do something proactive to stop it and to re-engage. So I started to think about betrayal in light of God and how people have betrayed Him, He who gives us grace by His love...

The biggest betrayal I have been reminded of is the betrayal that Jesus must have felt when Judas kissed Him in the Garden of Gethsemene, and more than that, when His disciples denied Him to save themselves.

Jesus, fully God and fully man, did not shy away from His feelings of worry and betrayal that He felt. In fact He spoke with God in the Garden of Gethsemene the night before Judas was to give Him over to the Romans and the Jews (Matt 26:36-44) asking God if He could take this cup (duty) away from Him. Jesus was scared of what He knew He must go through and yet He submitted to His Father. He knew the pain that He was to feel and yet He knew that He must push through it...and all for US - not for even for Himself!
This has had the effect of humbling me a little in my own pain...and at the same time giving me permission to own it...
1) Owning my pain - If Jesus was able to worry and ask God what He knew He could not have and talk with God to understand why He must go through it, then surely I can too. Surely God is big enough to hear my fears, worries and anger - even my accusations against Him. I know more and more in my head that God is not to blame for my pain but as I go into it I have to admit that I feel anger towards God and I can either ignore it and pretend, or be truthful and own it.
2) Humbling - my pain is just that MY pain. It is for actions of the past - Jesus' pain was not for His wrongdoing and it was for all actions - past, present and future. It puts, what has been rather consuming, in a wider setting so that I can see how small my pain is in reality - that doesn't mean that it is insignificant - to God all pain matters. But it does mean that if Jesus can survive the pain of the cross for us, then with His help I can survive my pain.

Betrayal is a new feeling, a horrible feeling, and I don't know what to do with it...but God does because He felt it most keenly in Jesus, when His own people sent Him to death and denied Him...I suppose, therefore, I should turn to the expert.

How I CHOOSE to feel...

2011-04-02T10:40:00.000+01:00

Update - last night I nearly cried. Nearly let some/all of it out at my prayer meeting. But alas, the scared child in me won out again...still progress I think. And it got me considering how I can remain in faith when I am starting to feel emotions that are, well...quite frankly, devastating.

The last week has felt a little like a crash course in life and how regular people might feel in some situations...almost as if God is showing me how I can rejoin the human race that I have felt so alien from for so long. I must say all of these emotions (and I think that I am only really feeling a shadow of them because I can't will myself to stay in them long enough to grasp them fully) have a consuming quality about them. They actually take over your body physically and mentally as well as emotionally...I was not prepared for that. However, this is most probably what God is using this period for - preparation - for the final push toward emotional release. I can't even say the final push because actually, paradoxically, this final push to the emotional stuff actually BEGINS my healing in the real sense. Everything up to now, I believe, has been preparation. I am so thankful that we have a God who prepares us. God knows what we need and He knew that if he had presented me with the feelings He has this week, even a couple of months ago, I would have run in the opposite direction. God has a time for everything and I am just beginnng to understand what that looks like. If I trust (there's that word again) in Him then everything will be as it should be, and I will not be given more than I can bear. It is when I try to do things under my own steam that I become inundated, and stressed, I guess...

So for that reason I sing this song of praise...

I had a picture at Church...

2011-03-30T22:13:00.001+01:00

...and I didn't share it...

And now I am aggrieved with myself for not sharing it as if it was mine to withhold! Someone brought a word about scum in bath water and how this was a sign of the sin within us being washed away by Christ's living water...and at the same time as the guy was talking I had a picture pop into my head...

It was of a white surface, maybe tiles on a wall or a white table. This surface had muddy marks on it. There were two dishcloths nearby. A hand picked up the first dishcloth that looked a little grubby and tried to clean off the grubby marks to no avail. This dishcloth simply spread the dirt and left a bigger, albeit diluted, stain. The hand then disgarded the first dishcloth and picked up the second. This dishcloth was pure white, as if new. When this came into contact with the stains it simply digested them, enveloped them...the only visible change was that the bright cloth became a little dirtier...but no matter how dirty it became it still had the same effect on any stains it wiped up.

I felt the message was simple. The first cloth stood for the person that you rely on to sort your problems for you, or with you. For me that would be my mother. This person has the ability to spread the problem (dirt) over a wider area and dilute it so that we are able to see through it. But they are not able to clean it all away. This is because they have their problems and sin and this prevents them from wiping up our mess, because their dirt can have the added effect of making us dirtier, even if the intention is to clean.
The second cloth is Jesus. Pure, white, sinless Christ. With Jesus we can have our problems/sin/dirt wiped clean away. Jesus took our sin on the cross and so when we allow Jesus to wipe us clean we are infact, simply acknowledging all that He has ALREADY done for us. He can soak up ANY sin if we allow Him to - He does not taint, He does not smudge, He erases.

As I write this I feel that God may be talking directly to me on this matter. My main struggle currently is wishing that my mother could take away my pain and make everything better. I know in my heart that this is not the case but it hasn't stopped me wishing it. This illustration from God is a reminder that I should stop looking to my mother for answers that she is unable to give. And more to the point, advice from my mother on this matter would be tainted by her own experiences and feelings...so therefore, it wouldn't be that useful in the long run - a short term fix as it were. Only Jesus can advise me and wipe me clean - in fact, He already has...I just have to recieve that again I suppose.

Last week God reminded me not to look to my earthly fathers for protection and provision, this week He is telling me not to look to my earthly mother for guidance and support...for all of these things I should look to my heavenly Father...bit by bit God is breaking down my walls and misconceptions...makes you wonder what will be left. I suspect it will be nothing but God - which in turn, is EVERYTHING...

Good to check the emphasis once in a while...

2011-03-30T10:35:00.002+01:00

Grief is a strange thing...

2011-03-29T17:56:00.000+01:00

Further to my last post, I have been spending a lot of my time in my past. In the memories of a childhood spent with friends and in a circle of love that I had forgotten. Those times were so special to me, they were where I got to reclaim some of what I had lost and where I felt safe - away from any harm. What wonderful memories I have! And what wonderful friends I made...friendships that are continued (although more distant as time moves on) and now feel stronger because we are bonded by the same grief.

It makes the sorrow of a life ended, bittersweet. The end of this lady's life means that she is no longer in pain which is worth the pain that I am now feeling, any day of the week. For this I am thankful and rejoice. I am also blessed with memory upon memory of this woman's kindness and compassion and the opportunities that she has afforded all of her 'children'. It is in no means an exaggeration to say that I would not be the person I am today without this woman's influence...I simply wouldn't. She took me under her wing when I needed it and kept me there throughout my teenage years which could have swallowed me up in selfishness and bitterness had she not taught me that there is joy in serving others. This is her legacy. I have continued to serve others for their benefit, sure, but really it is I who benefit. And now I am able to tell people that it is because of God's grace and Jesus' sacrifice on the cross that I have the strength to serve others - it is in His strength.

This lady helped, not to soften my heart as such, but to stop it from reaching a totally solid state. Yes, it became hardened, but the joy of serving and the love that she and her husband showed me helped my heart to stay in a condition that allowed my redemption years later. If I did not have that to fall back on then I am not sure I would have had the capability to let God in. (I have also had great foundations from my parents who have loved me fiercely and well).

So the grief I am feeling is at times joyful but most of all overwhelming. It is like this lady is working on my heart all over again and it is becoming more open to my feelings...this is truely an undiscovered land for me. I need to let my grief for her come out and not sit on it...I owe that to her, to God and most of all to myself.

Dubious...

2011-03-27T07:49:00.000+01:00

I found out that a woman who shaped my life immeasurably when I was younger had died on Friday. Just before I fell asleep I got the message. And I wasn't ready for the grief that has followed.

Let me backtrack a bit...
This lady was a youth leader of sorts and devoted her life to helping others, particularly children and their families. She was also the strongest woman I have ever known. It wasn't until I heard of her death that I realised that I saw her as a sort of protector when I was younger, a person who could stand, and would stand up against anyone. She was also the only person that could ever see through my facade - and when I was younger told me that she knew I was unhappy. That was all she said, but the sense of gratitude I felt toward her for simply noticing (even though, paradoxically, I didn't want anyone to know I was unhappy) was overwhelming and consequently I can remember that exact exchange as if it was yesterday.

I haven't seen this lady for years, for a variety of reasons, add to that the fact that we knew she was ill (although it was a very quick decline at the end) I did not expect to feel the way that I am feeling. Sad, lost and most of all vunerable.

On Friday, before I found out, I was at another prayer session praying over my issues and God led the focus of that session to unplugging my emotions. I was encouraged to pray directly to God and tell Him my fears and worries and ask for His help. Which I did.

I have an overriding sense that God is turning the death of this lady to His glory by making it the corkscrew for releasing the stop on my emotions. I do not mean in any way that God has sacrificed this lady for my healing, just simply that this feels like it might be the start of the release because I am finding it difficult to keep a hold on my emotions...suddenly all that I have been feeling in the background has zoomed forward in the foreground and I can't seem to see around them. It's like they are dancing in front of my face, mocking my attempts to ignore them.

Bearing all of this in mind....Church seems like a very scary prospect today. As I have said before in this blog, Church is very disarming and when I last felt vunerable and went to Church it lead to a very emotional day.

I have known for a while that my healing will be through tears. They will be the starting point, God has been consistent on that one. Today I continue to feel completely out of control of my emotions. The tent pegs aren't holding the canvas down and all of my thoughts, worries and memories are flooding out...it really is quite overwhelming.

Add to that, the music. Once that music starts to play at Church I am undone on a 'strong' day (or should that say weak?)

So as the post title says...I feel dubious...

I've been away for a while...what has been happening...

2011-03-25T19:25:00.000Z

I have had a weird two weeks since I last posted...I have spent most of it ill in one way or another. First I had a stomach bug, then a virus and then a stiff neck that lasted one very long week. To say that I have felt attacked physically is an understatement. Today I feel better than I have for ages...I had prayer for my neck last night and woke up for it to be a lot looser - Praise the Lord.

The upshot of the stiff neck is that I have been prescribed some drugs which I think are fairly extreme (Diazapam) but was willing to take for any relief earlier this week! However, these drugs are strange and have had a strange effect of making me feel spaced out at work. This on top of the pain in my neck has meant that I have had a week where I have simply made it through the day in a floaty sort of way.

As ever I am inclined to think that all the physical symptoms are a sign of emotional trauma - simply because there is no other explanation and I feel that God is telling me so. It's like He is sat next to me in all His power and humility shaking His head and tutting, saying 'My child, if only you would let Me in. If only you would recieve my Holy Spirit and be healed. Then you would no longer have these random symptoms, for all that you are fighting against would be released to Me. I would take your pain in a heartbeat.'
This message has been peaking in and out of my mind for the last few days and I have heard it from a distance. Seeing it written down makes me want to cry...although I probably won't - more fool me.

It does however, remind of another interesting encounter with God that I have had via a friend. This friend said on his facebook status that Psalm 91 was really speaking to him and to read it and if it spoke to you to like the status and he would pray for you. I did read the Psalm (out of curiousity really as the Bible still remains a fascinating thing to me and I like to read it when I feel I am being guided to a particular part.) It did strike me, especially :

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
² I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.”

and,

⁹ If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
   and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
   no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
   to guard you in all your ways;

The message seemed clear - a repetition of the same message I have heard almost daily recently, TRUST in the Lord and make Him your REFUGE.
So I 'liked' the status.

A couple of days later I recieved a message in my Facebook inbox from the friend. He said that he felt God saying that He was for me and that He never leaves me. Then he said that he wasn't sure if this made sense but that God wanted me to know that He was present especially at night and that He didn't rest or slumber but stayed right there.

Night is my most feared time. It is full of nightmares. I had not slept properly for four weeks because of this. What a blessing this word was! It was exactly what I wanted to hear and more than that...it came from a source that has no inkling of my current distresses and so could not have been 'influenced' in any way. What a testimony to tell to unbelievers!! And what a comfort it has been to me for the past week - although the neck issue has ensured that I have not slept as much as I perhaps could have!

Last point to sum up the week. Today, I was approached by a pupil who informed me that they had recently started to attend church and that had some questions about it all. Another teacher (their head of year in fact) had suggested that they come to see me and ask if I would chat it over with them! How amazing! There are many reasons as to why this is amazing that I cannot go into on here except to say that I must be more open about my faith than I realise for a colleague to suggest me to a pupil. When I asked the colleague, they simply said that they did not have the answers but they knew who might, and so suggested me.This pleases me, almost as much as being in the right place to help introduce God's love to this pupil. I have a good relationship with this pupil, even though they are no longer in my class and have always wondered why they had warmed to me more than others - I guess God has plans for now and plans for later...He will turn everything to His glory.

I pray Lord that YOU will give me the words to say to this pupil that will help to edify and reveal to them Your divine love and care so that they may live with Your peace and Holy Spirit in their heart. Amen

My reaction to a Pagan wedding,,,

2011-03-15T18:29:00.000Z

I pride myself on being open minded and tolerant of peoples' right to believe what they like and live in any way that they so choose. So my reaction to my friend's news that she has been invited to a Pagan wedding surprised me.

My friend said that she had recieved an invitation from her partners cousins inviting them to a Pagan wedding where they would be calling on the Anglo-saxons and Gods...and my reaction was one of 'Well I could not go.'
This surprises me on two levels....

Firstly, as a keen pupil of religion and faith, I have always been interested in anything new and different and something like this would have been exciting to me in the (not so distant) past. The idea that I could go and observe something that was not an everyday occurance would have had me jumping out of my seat!!

Secondly, my feeling towards it was totally negative because I felt it was evil and wrong. Now I am not suggesting that these people don't have the right to have this wedding, of course they do - simply that I would not be able to go to this wedding if they were my friends.The people at the table with me asked why and all I could say was that the calling on people of the past and Gods felt demonic and wrong to me. I would feel open to attack if I was to go to such a ceremony.

So back to my original idea. I do believe that I am open minded and tolerant because I will always protest a person's right to personal views etc...but I believe that God must be changing me from the inside out because more and more my first thought on anything is God. I feel like I am seeing the world through the Holy Spirit more and more. I also think that some of my tolerance in the past has actually been cowardice. Easier to say it's fine for everyone than say that I believe something specific.

Today I was brave - I explained to the people around me that I couldn't attend a Pagan ceremony because God and Jesus were absent and it was in them and the Holy Spirit that I put my trust.

This in itself is new on me - but I intend to keep it up - to be a beacon to the people that I work with so that they may know God's love and Jesus' sacrifice for them.

Thankful...strange!

2011-03-15T18:12:00.000Z

Just a quick one - had a thought today and as it surprised me, I thought I would share it.

I was watching the news, there was lots on the horrors in Japan, the nuclear emergency there as well, Libya and the now unfolding issues in Bahrain and I was struck by just how much of a mess the world is in. These sorts of things have been a source of depression for me in the past - not a personal depression, but one for the world at large. However, today my first thoughts were of the book of Revelations that talks about the end times. I got a feeling that the state the world is in currently is a small picture, a droplet in the sea as it were, of what the end times will be. And yet still I was not depressed. I was thankful!!

Thankful that I am with God, I am in His hands! I am saved through Jesus' blood on the cross. Thankful that I need not fear the end times or death, that God has me in the Book of Life...!

If anything the overriding feeling was one of stimulus to action. I want others to know this love and reassurance - I don't want to be one of those 'believe this or go to hell' type of Christians but a 'be loved and secure in Christ' type of Christian. I want to help those people affected by all the madness in the world and I can think of nothing better than giving them the opportunity to find Jesus. So therefore, I pray. Not because it is something superficial that I can do, but because it is EVERYTHING.

'And God shall wipe away ALL tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.'

Revelation 21:4

A timely reminder?

2011-03-13T20:50:00.002Z

Dreams...and thoughts...continued...

2011-03-13T20:16:00.000Z

The last three days have been strange in a wonderfully heart breaking way. I realise the oxymoron in this but they have been days of pure devastation in facing realities I would rather run from and they have been days of pure unadulterated joy at the realisation that God is for me and will never, or indeed has never, left my side.

In some ways I feel like I am at rock bottom, and if I focus on this for too long I can't actually see a way out of the long drudery of the path I am having to take - this is represented in my mind as dull, lifeless grey. In other ways I feel giddy, like I am at the start of a new relationship, not one where I feel I have to impress, but one where I am flumoxed as to why they would love me but delight in it all the same, this is repressented by a plethora of bright and vibrant colours.

Now I realise that this probably makes me sound like a person on the brink of a psychotic personality episode, but bear with me...I think it is quite normal in the situation (as normal as I am ever going to be!)

I am at a bit of a crossroads in my healing, I think. Where I have to make the conscious decision to follow God again and put my trust in Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. I did this when I became a Christian and now I must do it again. Only this time it feels like I am less blind to God's love, but more blind to the outcome of this love. I am scared, no two ways about it, petrified may be the actual word...nevertheless I do not want to live in the greys of creation, I want to live in full colour - I can only do that with God.

For too long my filter has been one of pain and confusion, secrets and lies - this is what I have looked at the world through and now I am getting a glimpse of how the world may look without this filter in the lense - my goodness it is bright!

This in no means, means that I am healed and whole. Far from it. I have a very steep hill to climb. In fact, a rock face - one that would be impossible on my own and I suppose I am beginning to realise that in some small way. My resources are not enough - I did what I could to survive and now I have to back track and deal with the stuff that was, and remains, too much for me alone. Knowing that I was never able to deal with it alone has released me a little - it has made me less frustrated with myself (although still frustrated by the situation). If I could not deal with this on my own, then it follows that I should do so now that I have found Jesus and can rely on His strength and fortitude...I don't feel like I am bracktracking and 'moping' so much now. Just that I am now properly resourced to proceed.

So back to the dream of the previous post.

The concrete pillars on the floor that represent lies, hatred and unforgiveness - I don't think that it is any coincidence that they were grey and in the way. On the floor no less, where they can trip me and stop me from moving forward to the light. Made of stone that is unfeeling and cold. Everything about these pillars in my dream was negative.
Although I have alluded to all three of these issues in this blog from time to time, I had never really truly looked at my main hurdles in order of priority and named them so obviously in a list together. It seems so obvious now that this would be the best place to start!

I believe that the dream gave me the order of attack on these three issues.

The root of all of my hatred and unforgiveness is lies. Lies that were told to me, lies that I believed and lies that continue to have power over me. (Only a couple of weeks ago I had to speak out the lies so that we could renounce them in the name of Jesus - it is only since then that I have begun to be aware of just how many lies I have taken on as truth - in fact I now have a new list of lies that need renouncing!) Lies seem to be the power base of the situation.
The outcome of these lies is hatred. Hatred of others, of God, and mostly, of myself. Hatred because I believe some of the lies and now a hatred because I am realising that they were lies. This is twofold - firstly, I am now full of hate for the person/people who fed me these lies in the first place and secondly, I hate myself for believing them and not acting on them, not questioning them. Lies definitely lead to hatred.
And hatred leads to only one place - unforgiveness. This is aimed at the groups that I am angry at. So, the lie tellers, God and me. Unforgiveness is by far the most divisive force I have ever come across and it is tenacious. When that unforgiveness if for yourself - it is soul destroying in the most massive sense. Knowing something and feeling something are, for me, two completely spearate things. My unforgiveness is by far my biggest stumbling block.

Now, if I look at the three pillars, it is fair to say that I now have a starting place. I have been focusing on the unforgiveness without realising that I have other issues to deal with before I reach that point (in short I have been trying to run before I can walk). I thought that forgiveness had to be the key and therefore first. It can't be. Simple as that. I cannot forgive without first finding the lies I believe and then being justifiably angry about them. Although I am not yet comfortable with the idea, I cannot move forward over these concrete pillars without feeling anger and expressing it.

The dream therefore is essentially a plan. You cannot go into battle without a plan - basic warfare rules, if you want to be successful. And I do. I had been trying to fight without a plan - and lets face it, this is a pretty big battle - the whole good vs. evil thing. A plan is what was needed - and God knew that. He knew that I felt overwhelmed and unable to see the light and He gave me a plan of action. God is good.

The preceeding part of the dream has significance too. The song that my friend sang was one of God's love for me and of redemption. The latter is the goal of this battle - my redemption from my sin and from others' sin. The former is a reminder that God allows this by His grace and love for ME. Poor, little, seemingly insignificant me. I still gaze in wonder at the cross, knowing that Jesus did that for me and me alone and at the same time, for everyone. Awesome does not cut it.

As I am writing this I am reminded of the previous dreams to this one. They were the usual nightmares of every night. Horrible, scary and evil. One part that stayed with me the most was the following:

I had marks all over my body, like tiny little indentations. I could have left them and they would have been fine, but one of them on my arm was really starting to bug me so I decided to squeeze it, not expecting anything to happen.
However, as I squeezed it I saw something tiny emerge from it. I couldn't grab it and so I squeezed some more and before I knew it a beige/orange creature that looked like a cross between a spikey caterpillar and a millipede came out. I was disgusted and because I didn't want it to escape and hide I decided to squash it against my arm. When I looked at the squashed creature I didn't see what I expected.There wasn't a dead carcass, instead there were hundreds of littler versions of the same creature in varying sizes scurring round.

I think the potential meaning of this is obvious.
1) Whatever is inside of me has to come out because it is starting to bug me
2) What comes out is not nice and I want to squash it and kill it straight away
3) When I 'kill' the feeling/issue and inspect it further, there are many other smaller issues that need looking at individually first. The big things are made up of smaller things.

Unforgiveness may have been that first creature, but there is so much more to it than first meets the eye.

I did warn you that I had a lot of thoughts on the dream...I prayed that God would push me in the areas that I needed pushing in and that He would show me what to do and how to start to move towards healing.

So I guess I will start with the lies...

Dreams...and thoughts

2011-03-13T09:25:00.000Z

I had a dream last night and although I can't quite remember all the details I have some of them on lockdown. So before I forget them in the rush of the day, here they are:

My friend was praying for me and sang a spontaneous song of worship, the made-up-on-the-spot kind. It was wonderful. Unfortunately I cannot remember the words except that it spoke of God's love for me and repeated the word 'redemption'.

When I woke up at this point I was still able to remember the words and so lay in bed singing them in a half awake/half asleep state. It was then that I had a picture in my mind of three very long, heavy, circular concrete poles. They were lying on the floor, in the way. I then felt God say that these represent my three biggest obstacles:
1) Lies
2) Hatred
3) Unforgiveness

I have SO many thoughts on all of this but I have to dash for now. I will revisit this later after Church - when I am sure I will have more clarity (although the message is quite simple really don't you think?!)

I prayed to be opened to God - I guess He is delivering!

Human-ness...

2011-03-13T08:43:00.000Z

What Jesus promises...

2011-03-12T13:53:00.000Z

Handing it all to God...and not the Enemy...

2011-03-12T08:02:00.000Z

Went to another prayer meeting about my issues last night and one thing came out of it all...

The need to pray a prayer that says 'God I put you in control, work with me to release my emotions.' A small part of me realises this, the bigger part of me doesn't want to because I am scared of the outcome. This led my friend to make an observation that startled me a little. He said 'The fact that you are weighing this up shows that you are doing so in faith.' I asked him to qualify this and he replied 'If you did not think that anything would happen when you prayed a prayer like that then you would pray it easily and not weigh up the consequences. The fact that you are actually shows you have faith that God will move in such a request - you are doing this from faith.'

This is an interesting observation, in a week that has been fraught with indecision and confusion (and, I am ashamed to admit, rejection of God). I sat there stunned to realise that my faith in God is as strong as ever. I have not become weak willed, or faithless...what I have been doing, is letting the evil (or Enemy...whatever name you may give it) talk to me and not God. This evil had convinced me that I was tired of this charade, this God, I was tired of looking at these issues and should stop - he even sent my two closest colleagues to be the outside voices in my head telling me that this isn't a good idea, and to just ignore the issue.

What a revelation - it is only as I type this that the truth of that revelation is hitting me. What a powerful feeling of light in the dark...a realisation (once again) that God has not left me this week, I have shut Him out! I have listened to the evil and tried to deal with this on my own - the upshot has been confusion and the inability to clear my head. I am tired simply because I have been running away from God and that has left my back uncovered for the Enemy to attack me.

Attack is a good word to describe how I have felt this week - attacked. Like I am getting it from all corners of my life and that different people have been telling me different things...I have not known where to turn. Strike that, I HAVE known where to turn, I just HAVEN'T turned to the Light.

I'm still reeling from that realisation... It gives me hope. I survived a week without allowing God access - imagine how lighter a week it will be with Him holding me up, using His strength and not mine!!

(As a sideline, being faithfilled and human is frustrating at times - all that I am realising now is not new, I know God is for me and that I believe in Him as my provider and protector, but my human side 'forgets' or tries to go it alone, or gets tricked by the evil...)

To try and convey all that I am understanding from this realisation:
1) God is good and never leaves us, we turn our back on Him
2) The evil/Enemy is a wily character that cleverly disguises himself as our own voice
3) I have no need to run, God has my back. He will be the strength I need when I don't have any. He will be the voice of comfort, if only I allow Him to be
4) God loves me regardless, not because I do, but because I am. If I can come to truely accept this so that its truth is in all of my decisions in life, then God will guide me down the right path. I may not like the path but it will always be the one I need to go down.
5) I am not alone in all of this. I have friends who are willing to walk with me, but most importantly, I have my God who is there, wherever I go.
6) My fear of cracking up and dissolving is just that - a fear! It will not happen because God will be there.
7) This is quite a scary one, one that even now with all of the above I am fighting to not type (!!). Even if this situation leads me to places and behaviours that I do not like (emotions etc...) and makes me vunerable (there is the big one) I have to TRUST in the Father. I have to wait on Him and allow me to go where He bids me...it is time to stop fighting God and time to fight the enemy.
8) I have been looking to earthly 'fathers' for my protection and provision. When these fathers have been found wanting I have surmised that I have no protector or provider and that I will have to be that...what a paltry portion that would be - my own provision and protection!! I have the Father who will be my Provider and Protector - I can drop that responsibility and simply give it to Him! How wonderful and what a weight has been lifted!
9) I need to up my prayer life - I need to pray out aloud more and verbalise what I feel to the Father. I need to ask Him for help and I need to get used to laying it all bare to Him. (As I type this I am struck that these are the words that my friends have been praying with me - I heard them but never HEARD them - they have prayed faithfully for my healing in many areas and God is good - I can be healed. Unfortunately, this healing has to be a process in order to be a full healing...I have to go through it to reconcile myself to it...)
10) The process does not have to be long and arduous. God will push me through it at whatever pace I can bear - for He promises not to bring more on to me than I can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13). I trust these words for the first time. I know that I cannot bear much alone, but with God...well...the possiblities are endless!

So there we go - needed to get that all down so that I can see it and so that I can refer to it because there will be days where my human-ness will get in the way of my healing and I will need to re-read and re-realise these things.

I don't know about you, but I'm off to pray...me AND God have got a lot of work to do, no time like the present...

For the fleeting moments that I hold on to in these times...

2011-03-09T21:18:00.000Z

I may be struggling at the moment but I have been in God's presence (albeit fleetingly). These song lyrics represent a prayer. My prayer. That I will no longer live in a place where I momentarily feel God's presence, but in a place where I am living in His presence...this is my hope...that I will see me through His eyes.

“But now, this is what the LORD says—He who created you, O Jacob, he who has formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.'"

Isaiah 43:1.

I'm a little flummoxed...

2011-03-09T18:00:00.000Z

So, I thought I better tell someone at work that I am struggling a bit - not the detail just that I am a little out to sea with everything...

Bad move.

The person asked why I have to deal with any of it at all, and instead of letting it rule over me I should just put it back in its little box and esentially ignore it. They said that keeping on top of it is a good thing. They also said I had been doing well with it all and that it hadn't reared it's head for nearly five years...if only they knew.
They also said that it was silly not to tell anyone close to me and that I should see a professional rather than Church friends.

I know that this person has my best interests at heart and meant well but our conversation has added to the confusion...

Firstly, am I being silly pushing forward in this stuff? They asked 'Why do you have to deal with it now?' and I was at a loss to explain that I would rather not, if I had a choice I would do anything other than all of this but my mind, body and God have different ideas. Also, ignoring it does not make it go away, it just makes it that bit harder the next time it raises its head. Although the thought of not having my head in a confused buzz of broken heartedness is lovely...

Secondly, I found myself a little agrieved with this person...they represent the voice in my head that is continually there - the temptation of taking the 'easy' road to oblivion - of giving up.

It has been a tough week...I feel under attack and the conversation today is an illustration of this. I have been ill, twitching again and dealing with the vilest of voices questioning everything. My head is so full of argument and hate and I am reaching the pinnacle of what I feel I can deal with. It is constant.

Father, help me
Help me to push through
Help me to keep going
Help me to set my eyes on You
Amen

So that's new...not uplifting in the slightest

2011-03-08T17:59:00.000Z

I am ill.

But I am not ill, ill...I had promised myself that I would push through all of this and that I would NOT succumb to days off. My body had other ideas. Come 4 o'clock this morning it had had enough. I woke up feeling sick and tired and generally ergh...and I haven't stopped feeling it. So I had to take the day off and I am now annoyed. More so because it looks like I might not feel better by tomorrow...but I don't want to have more time off.

It's not that I have a horrible boss or anything it's just that it is harder to carry on through this if I'm not busy. If I am alone with myself I think. And I don't want to think.

But God does want me to think I suppose. Or my body has just reached the end of it's tether (to quote Sunday's service). So back to the old favourite...let stuff go and move into pain and through it, OR... hold on to it all and be sick and stay put.

I realise that this seems like a no-brainer...and on a cognitive level it is, but on a heart level it isn't. I feel like I'm falling apart right now and I haven't even ventured to that place...

I know the message I continually hear is 'Trust God' and I want to but I don't really feel like I am in that place at the moment - really I want to run away from it all...but how can you run from yourself?

I know, I know, I am sick of listening to myself too

What a day...

2011-03-06T19:21:00.000Z

The title of this post says it all really...it must rate as one of the most emotionally tiring days of my life...

Last night I recieved an email regarding something to do with Church. The content of the email was not the issue, it was the tone of it. It wasn't addressed to me per se, I was cc'd. When I recieved the email (straight to my phone) I began reading it without a seond thought to what it might be about. What followed was a feeling I have never had before...the attitude that the email had been written in was very familiar...I could not put my finger on it but I felt something of upset, dread and a full on knee-quaking fear all rolled into one. (Even now I am struggling to convey the feeling....suffice to say that all I wanted to do was run - away from my life, from my past, from me.)

So when I got up this morning and went to Church, it was not without some trepidation...Church has a very disarming quality - the presence of God and the worship has me almost crumbling most weeks - I was not looking forward to going to Church, already as disarmed as I can ever remember being.

But I did.

Now what I haven't said thus far is that with the feeling of dread came the knowledge that there was something that I knew but was just out of my reach - a truth that I would rather forget...when the speaker in church encouraged us to open up to God and accept His invitation to minister to the weary, I had no more energy to fight. It was not a conscious decision, I had no more reserves. I let God in. I remembered.

This had the effect of winding me twice as much as the email had.

At the end of the service there was an invitation to prayer...I wasn't going to go until my friend, who is having struggles of her own, came past me and said 'Are you going up?' took one look at me and answered it herself with a 'yes'. So up I went.

I recieved prayer from a variety of people and words regarding God's strength and love for me, and encouragement that God wants me to hand it all over to Him. I heard them all...yet still fought to regain control over the silent tears that continued to fall. One friend then said that she had a picture of me as a pipe that was twisted and full of kinks. She said that God would undo those kinks one by one and allow the flow to be resumed and that He would do it slowly and allow me to continue, it would not be an all or nothing sort of thing. I have long considered myself to be a mess of twisted knots so this made complete sense.I will have to trust God to untie them at the right pace I suppose...although this is a downright scary thought.

After gaining a little normality in conversations I left church and spent the day helping a friend to gain some order in her house. I often find service is a great medicine to emotional upset - at least it is for me.

So I am now left reeling. I believe that I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit today (for more than a fleeting glance), that in itself has to be worth a couple of posts (!!) but more so, I am left with the new knowledge and not sure what to do with it. I believe that this is what it is to feel truely heartbroken.

'Oh there You are God!'

2011-03-04T19:12:00.000Z

One of the most heartwarming scenes in a children's film comes in Hook when the littlest Lost Boy searches Robin Williams' face and after some time, breaks into a glorious smile and exclaims 'Oh there you are Peter!' This is exactly how I felt last night, in regard to God.

It is no secret that I struggle with my past. I also struggle with God's presence, or lack of it, to be precise. In addition, I have always felt pulled to The Footprints in the Sand poem. The part where the man says 'In my hardest times I looked back and saw only one set of footprints, where were you then?' And God replies, 'When there were only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.'

(I agree that this is thus far a little rambl-y...but stick with it, I have a point - and a very heartwarming one at that...)

If you put these three pieces of information together, it is a wonder that I have ever entered into a relationship with God because it shows that I do not trust Him to be there even if I do not feel Him...and moreover, it has lead to a deep seated anger at God for abandoning me in my time of need when I was very young. However, I do believe in God and I want, with all my heart, to follow Him and resolve some of my issues (because let's face it, they are mine and not His.)

Cue an impromptu talk with a friend last night...
I had had a word from God for this particular friend a while back and hadn't said anything because I wanted to be sure that it WAS a word and not anything else. Anyhoo, after ascertaining what a word from God is likely to look like, feel like and be tried against (Bible) I decided to share it with her. This lead to an excellent conversation about anger, suffering, heaven and hell and God absenteeism.
Whilst I have a small handle of the first four (by no means do I mean to say I understand them all fully, I don't) I have had no joy with the latter because I have always felt that God ignored me in my situation, even though I called directly to Him, and even if He didn't, He let it continue. So when she asked about God's place in my situation, what followed cannot have been my words, as I had none...

I found myself explaining to her that because something instant didn't happen to relieve me of the situation I was in, I had always thought God had sat by and watched the situation unfold. BUT, I realise that actually I did get out of the situation, out of a situation that it seemed I would be in for years, at the very least! It was then that I heard my voice say 'God heard me and saw the situation and knew that I was not the only one who needed rescuing, He could have handpicked me moved me in an instant but He knew that I needed my family and that they needed to come with me. So God took the time to soften my mother's heart, to show her where things were going wrong and to give her the strength to stand up to her nemesis. That way my removal from the situation would be permanent. Only when this had all happened did God know that I would be safe forever.'

Now I don't know about you, but that last sentence seems very well informed and thought out for it to be only me talking about something in which I have struggled to see the wood for the trees. So I have to conclude that even though I was trying to explain something to my friend, God used it to communicate with me.

I felt like I had been looking deep into my situation, like the Lost Boy looked into Peter's face, and suddenly broke out into a glorious smile, exclaiming 'Oh there You are God!' I believe that that is what freedom must feel like.

I may not be there yet but I am on my way!! Hallelujah

Musing on the day...

2011-03-03T20:31:00.000Z

Strange day today...felt a lot better than I have for the last few days...neck is better and my face is no longer sagging on the one side - bonus! I knew everything would be alright again in a couple of days but I am shocked at how quick it has all happened - my only conclusion is that it is the power of prayer...so for the first time in ages I decided to pray a prayer of thanksgiving to the Father...

A couple of things...
Firstly, I had forgotten that prayer could be a simple thank you. I had gotten into the mind set of focussing prayer on peoples needs - which is a part of it, but i had somehow missed the part of prayer that is the conversation of a relationship. My friends who are praying with me have been encouraging me to speak with God and tell Him what is on my heart...I was going along with it and praying aloud but it was more a conversation between me and my friends and not God...I think I finally get what they have been on about!!
When they had asked me to tell God what I was mad at or what I was feeling, I had chosen to list the problems and not enter into a dialogue with God - how rude of me! I needed a reminder and today's joy at my healing was the catalyst...I am in a relationship with God and I need to allow Him in.

I also took a further step and spoke to God as Abba - not 'The Big Dude', God, His Holiness etc...but Abba...it felt strange yet wonderful. The term Abba reminded me of the special place I have in His heart. Must-keep-this-up...

The healing of my neck was also the catalyst that prompted me to pray this morning. I had woken up with a severe tummy ache and instead of the usual drudgery of thinking 'well that's it then, a day at work in pain...' my first thought was 'God, I am in pain and I am tired, I hand you the reins, please make this pain go away in Jesus' name. Amen'. Needless to say I have been painfree all day...so my thought process now says that if God can be bothered to heal my, quite pitiful physical pain in the grand scheme of things, what more could He do for my emotional pain?

So the lesson is...ASK God, HAND it to God, ALLOW God to take control, TRUST in the Lord.

'And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.'

(Luke 11:9)

Technology and community...

2011-03-02T21:54:00.001Z

Having just delivered a talk to parents about the issues surrounding online communities and their children I have been struck by my own question...'how many Facebook friends do your children actually know?'

I have lots of Facebook friends and have only ever accepted people I know or knew when I was younger...but do I really know them? Do they know me? A lot of my school friends remember the me from school - I wasn't a Christian then, and although I do not hide it on my profile, I guess half of them wouldn't really know how much of my life is affected by my beliefs...that I am a living Christian, not a dying one...

This leads me to two thoughts...
1) Should I cull all those friends who don't know the real me? Or...
2) Shall I proclaim the real me a little louder? Is Facebook really the forum for that?

This line of thought has also led me to consider the change in community that I see in children everyday. Chatting face to face is no longer the only real way to engage in friendship, fellowship and community. Many people now strike up friendships online and not in person. So much so that we refer to an 'online community'. But is this really a community?

I find it amusing (and a little astounding) when I see Facebook telling me to leave a message on so and so's wall because we haven't spoken in a while...fact is I have usually just had dinner with them and their family!! So i now feel a little concerned for the emphasis that is being put upon the online community...of course it is a community of sorts but never can it replace the fellowship of personal contact and conversation over a coffee, surely?

I do not know what God thinks of the cyberworld as such but I do know that the Bible puts strong emphasis on community and the Church of believers. Throughout the Bible there are verses that proclaim the importance of visiting and serving others...

Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

(Romans 12:13)

With this word fresh in my mind I feel prodded to engage more in face to face fellowship, rather than online fellowship. I shall endeavour to send birthday cards rather than leave a simple line on a wall in the hope that I have done my duty as a friend...how much more would a friend benefit from the thought and time spent in sending a card?! I would also like my new house to be a beacon for God, a place where people feel comfortable and able to come to whenever they want...a place of hospitality, not for my ego or for compliments, but for the love of God who teaches us to extend a hand to those who need it, never considering that the favour should be returned.

So to return to Facebook...I need to use it less for convenience on my part in engaging with others, and more about glorifying God through the friendships I have by extending the hand of hospitality. Sorted.

I believe that technology has a place within a community, but do not believe that it can build up a community or edify it...only good old fashioned love, time and conversation can do that.

Priorities...and such like...

2011-03-01T19:00:00.005Z

I wrote this at the beginning of the year and didn't post it - I have since read it and decided that I should, so here it is...

As I begin this New Year I do so in a completely different place than the one I expected to be in, this time last year. Last year I was in a long term relationship, living with my partner and playing pseudo part time mum to a teenage girl. This year I begin it single, living in my own house on my own, with no children. The latter reads as though it is the booby prize, the lesser of the two...the truth is the exact opposite. I am better off this year than I was last year. I am able to better focus on me and my life and I am therefore closer to God. This has however forced me to consider my priorities, what is most important to me?

First and foremost, my last relationship taught me that marriage and children (in that order) is the single most important goal of my life. I will die happy if I die a wife and mother (in many years time...obviously). Where this is not possible in a relationship...neither is the relationship. This as a priority, naturally leads me to consider the steps that I will take to achieve it. The foundation of this is my partner...whoever he may be...

(Do not for a second think that this is a 'poor, lonely girl' post, it is actually the antithesis of that.)

It is fair to say that my future partner is of no concern to me. I am not worried that I am single and do not worry that I will die alone...I have faith in God that I will find my partner when He believes I am ready and it is right. For this reason it is of no concern.

This has a very freeing effect...my main life goal is in His hands and not mine...which, in a weird circular argument, leaves me free to focus my energies on God. My life is fun again, I am living with the childlike wonder I had forgotten...

My main priority therefore is God.

Tough few days...

2011-03-01T18:27:00.000Z

I look forward to the day that my posts become positive to read!! My goal is to try to see the positive in everything that I do and to look for God in my times of trial...

The last couple of weeks have been tough, tough because I have decided to go down the path that I have so long avoided. I have attempted this many times over but this time it seems to be different...to start with I have (so far) stuck to it. I think that the main reason is, that I haven't chosen to go to a regular counsellor this time (at the last count I have tried to engage in counselling on 4 separate occasions - all of which have been either disastrous or shallow experiences.) This time around I am dealing with stuff through regular meetings with my friends (an Elder from Church and his wife.) Neither profess to be counsellors, but both profess to wait in the presence of THE Counsellor. The meetings involve lots of prayer and some talking...but prayer is the main event.

What do I think of it so far?
Well, I'm not going to lie, I am not enjoying it in the slightest...but I think that I am beginning to feel a little bit of light in that I now think I may be able to live a free life eventually. This is a big step for me. From here to there, it looks like a long windy and frankly, treacherous road...I am glad God is with me, and my friends.

Problems?
Yes - the main one happened after our meeting yesterday. Towards the end of a harrowing recounting I developed a neck twitch that made me look like I was beckoning everyone over to me. My friend prayed for it to leave but it was tenacious...so much so that it carried on for the entire day today, much to the amusement and then worry of my colleagues! It has only just stopped - a full 22 hours after it started.

What can I garner from this experience? That I need to let go. There was a point in the meeting last night where I felt tears and sadness like I have never known, well up and threaten to overflow. God was working in my dry eyes and stone heart to give me the release that I needed at that point, and have needed for, well, ever I suppose. At that moment I had a choice - allow God to take control and see where it took me, or struggle for my own control and swallow this alien feeling down. I am ashamed to say that I chose the latter. This is when the tic started.

The tic was the outward sign of my inward turmoil, the very image and display of my stuck-ness. The repetitive nature of the movement showed me just how I approach this situation. I go to move forward and then just as I think I have, I step back. I am afraid of the dark.
What God has taught me in this affliction is that I am not in fact afraid of the dark, but that I am afraid of the light, His light. I am afraid that it will light up all the recesses of my memories and show me things that I don't want to see or remember.

Two things from this...
1) No matter how I look at it (and I do regularly as is evident in my posts on here...) I am going to have to trust God to hold me up when I cannot stand, and to give me strength when I can no longer look at my past and most importantly, to love me no matter what is revealed.
2) Whether I want to see or remember is actually superfluous...I do remember, at least my body does - that is why it reacts the way it does. Hiding from what is there, doesn't mean it isn't there in the first place, it means that I am simply putting my head in the sand.
A good friend of mine was recounting a speech made by a lady from her church at a recent Ladies Day. She said that the armour of God in Ephesians 6 speaks of many areas, but does not speak of armour for your back. When you run your back is not protected. Who do I need protection from? Not God - if I stand with God my back is no longer a weak spot...I am clothed in His armour, the strongest and most heavenly armour...how I wish i had cried last night, but at the same time, no matter how much my neck still hurts, I think I needed that lesson to see that God can only peel away the layers and examine them if I let Him; not because I am higher or stronger than God, but because He is a loving parent who wants us to let Him help us.

'The LORD is my light and my salvation -

whom should I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life -

of whom should I be afraid?

(Psalm 27:1)

For He will conceal me in His shelter

in the day of adversity;

He will hide me under the cover of His tent;

He will set me high on a rock.

Then my head will be high above my enemies around me;

(Psalm 27:5-6)

On this day of love...

2011-02-14T13:41:00.002Z

Lord give me the strength to trust you, the faith to put my future in Your hands,
Let people leave their 'commercial' valentines love and move ever closer to You,
Let my love for you shine through my actions so that more people may come to know the most nourishing love there is, Your love

Amen

I am not worthy

2010-11-28T21:28:00.001Z

You came to speak truth in our hearts,
Repaid by Your land, You were pulled apart,
You knew what your mission was to cost
Your victory came when all appeared lost

Upon the cross, up high, You looked down
On people who placed on Your head, a thorn crown
Hatred and disappointment were Yours to bestow
But instead you speak of forgiveness that you want us to know

Broken and bleeding I see my sins on Your skin
Ugly and rotten, the price was paid by my kin
For as You died and cried out to our God
Your foot made the move and the first step it trod

For after Your pain and then Your slow death
You overcame and drew Your first breath
The breath of freedom and death overcome
The breath of victory, I am undone

All of this that You put Yourself through
All of this that You did, I am free by You
My sins are forgiven, I can live my life free
All of this You did, just for me

I am not worthy, yet neither should I be
This is Your gift to us, Your gift to me

Forgiveness is a door...

2010-11-10T19:50:00.003Z

As ever I move in circles in my faith and healing...I sometimes think that this is a good thing - at least I am not staying still...but more and more God seems to have been saying that circles are no good either - at the end of the day they achieve the same as staying still, but expend much more energy. And I am getting tired.

When I am feeling lost and want to reconnect with God I listen to 'The Shack' on audiobook in the car, to and from work. Now I am aware that not all Christians have embraced this book and that there may be argument for it being simply a novel, but for me it is the way that I can see God's heart for me. It tells the story of a broken individual that spends a weekend with the Holy Trinity - it is ultimately the story of forgiveness...of himself and the people who have caused him so much pain.

It is the forgiveness that has always attracted me to the book (I have read/listened to it about 8 times). I see in it, my salvation - the way that I will, hopefully, be able to forgive those people that I still have hatred for, and myself.

One thing that has always perturbed me about forgiveness is how does it work? I don't mean the grace, mercy forgiveness thing - I mean on a practical level...how does my forgiveness help the person that I am forgiving? I wake up every day and start it with a sentence of forgiveness...I do this because that is all I can do. I realised that my hate was doing me more harm than it was them and thought that I had to make a cognitive decision to forgive in the hope that I will one day feel the forgiveness. But how does this make ANY difference? Is it a waste of energy?

This daily forgiveness is all well and good, and to a certain extent - is more than I felt capable of in the past, but now the problem is that I am getting frustrated that I am not yet feeling the forgiveness. This leads to me feeling negative about the whole process, 'what is the point of forgiving them? It isn't helping me and even if I do succeed - what will it actually achieve?' I find myself lacking the comfort that I got from the hatred and now fighting an internal fight about whether I should be putting in the effort (and it is a real effort EVERYDAY) to forgive in the first place.

All of this has been whirling around in my head of late and so whilst I was listening to the book today I allowed my mind to wonder and found that I had a picture in my mind. It was a door, one of the heavy oak doors from yesteryear that has big iron hinges and bolts on it. I was looking at it from a side view and could clearly see myself on one side, facing the door and the forgivee (as it were) with their back to the door on the other side. I had a key in my hand and put it into the lock on my side and turned it. I heard the definite 'clunk' of the lock moving but the door wouldn't open...this annoyed me. I then felt God giving me an explanation (*) that said something along the lines of 'Your job is to forgive and unlock the door from your side, that is all you can do. Forgiveness cannot be granted until the forgivee accepts it. You have no say in this, that is MY job...and your forgiveness will heal you now and wait until the other is ready for it. You are unlocking their door, but only they can open it.'

This poses several questions and ideas to me - which I will no doubt muse upon for a few days yet...but here are my initial thoughts:
1) The overwhelming feeling I got from this realisation is one of lightness from my percieved responsibility. It seems that I have been feeling more and more that the salvation of this person is somehow dependant upon ME!! Not only is this very egotistical and shameful, it is also very stressful...I was essentially feeling that if I didn't forgive them and actually MEAN it (which I don't always...yet) then that would reflect badly upon their salvation and on mine...that only I could save them and ultimately myself.
This is clearly a pile of poo - only God can save and He does so because He loves me, it is by His grace that I am saved, not by my action. Sounds silly but I am very glad to have been reminded of this!

2) My salvation is dependant upon my forgiveness. (This is not a direct contradiction to the above point I promise). By this I mean that I should spend time travelling down the road of forgiveness (even if it is painful and unknown - two of my least favourite things) because if I do not and presume to judge the other person and stay unforgiving, it is the same as saying that I do not need God, when I know that I do. I don't want to be the judge anymore, I want to give it over to God so that He can be. I can only truly do that by unlocking my side of the door.
My problem comes with how to do that and where to begin.

3) I have no choice but to forgive...I know this but I find it hard to accept...WHY??!! THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!!!

4) The lack of control on the matter - that this person will not recieve my forgiveness until they are ready to repent, also annoys me and the reason makes me sound pathetic...it bothers me that it is THEIR choice whether to accept it or not. That they can choose to rebuff my advance to forgiveness when a part of me thinks they should be grateful for it...again this presumes that I am still not able to fully understand forgiveness and grace on an emovtive level. (Even I can see that this point is vulgar and focussed on me and not God.)

5) The flip side of this is that somewhere there is a door that has me on both sides. I am yet to forgive myself for many things and whereas I feel like I can probably unlock the forgiver side, I am not sure that I can unlock the forgivee side. Forgiving someone else flumoxes me - forgiving myself AND accepting it smacks of some weird sci-fi procedure.

So there it is, forgiveness is a door...now I have to find the key that unlocks it.

(*) I am still really uncertain about the God is talking to me thing...that is, I know it to be true, yet I can't describe why and the cynical part of me always thinks that I am making it up...but it is much more than a feeling - it is an understanding, a knowledge, a connection.

Anger...again...

2010-10-27T11:22:00.002+01:00

Following on from my last post I have decided to muse upon the idea of anger. After my unexplained anger at the church service on Sunday I have been doing a lot of thinking...mainly because I remain angry.

The anger isn't an overwhelming 'I need to hit someone' anger in the slightest; it is a-knot-in-my-throat, agitated anger. The sort of anger that just bubbles in the background and pops to the foreground every now and again like a cameo actor. This is having the knock on effect of finding that I have a secondary anger - at the anger!! Talk about Catch 22.

So anyway, I have spoken to a couple of friends about it and they both assure me that it is a good thing and that being emotional is showing progress...etc...and although I know they are speaking the truth, I also feel like something that is unexplained and frustrating, holds me back rather than moves me forward.

One of the friends I have mentioned text me last night and said she had been reading a book which said 'Anger is the stimulus to action'. I quite like this idea but also find it confusing...let me explain...

Anger is an emotion that I did not feel for years, in fact for a majority of my teens I felt very little and other than the occasional emotional outbursts, when my body forced me to feel, I went along living life in a weird void. (I did not realise this at the time, and because I was a teenager no one really questioned it). This led me to some quite devestating actions, anorexia, bulimia (although I was rubbish at this and felt a failure because of it) and self harm (this I excelled at).
Now, although I may have a brief idea as to where this stemmed from, I still don't fully understand what I was feeling at this time because I wasn't...well...feeling - if you catch my drift. Cue frustration and disconnection with myself.

As an adult I can surmise that I was probably feeling anger - especially in relation to self harm - and so it follows that the action that anger stimulated in me was a bad one. Although I'm not sure it was - self harm is often misunderstood and leads people to think you are either suicidal or crazy. My understanding is that a person self harms in order to LIVE not die...it is a coping mechanism...so in this instance anger has stimulated me into action - the action of trying to stay alive, at whatever cost.

Also, anger at someone has led me to push myself more and more to make something of myself so that what they told me doesn't come true...again anger is a stimulus to my action.

To return to the problem at hand. This newest bout of anger (I use the word bout because it feels a bit like an illness) seems unjustified as I didn't disagree with the sermon and it doesn't seem particularly stimulating, more paralysing. I am at a complete loss as to why I should be feeling this way - the reasons I gave in my last post still stand but I feel like they are not good enough for the level of anger I am feeling. So I am now battling with myself over the anger and the action that I want to take and feel frustrated that the anger would push me into an old tried and tested method that answers the problem in the immediate but not in the long term...

So as to anger being the 'stimulus to action', I agree but am not happy with the action I want to take.

Why did God push me to go to Church that Sunday when He knew I would end up angry and disillusioned? I have to trust that He has a plan in this - indeed the words that people had that day were all about God tying up lose ends, even if it felt like everything was unravelling...interesting...only just remembered that part...

I must try to trust in God more and leave go of my control freak ways that mean I need to know and understand why I am as I am...easier said than done.

Progress?

2010-10-24T22:34:00.002+01:00

So, I decided that I haven't blogged recently (since April!!) and in a day that has been weird for a variety of reasons, I thought perhaps I should.

I have spent the best part of the last two hours reading my blog, reminding me of the person I was and who I am becoming. This has been enlightening, not least because I appear to have forgotten some of that which I have learnt! I also worry that I am more like the person of the first few posts than the latter.

Let me start with an update on my life...
Recently my two year relationship ended. It was for a variety of reasons...we had both changed and promises that had been made had been forgotten. Life had taken us in separate directions. This is sad for many reasons, including the fact that I take so long to trust and fell a little lost to the fact that I will have to go through all of that again.
On the whole though, I am ok with the change. I believe it is the right path to take and have fleeting moments of excitement when I think of a future that has not yet been written.
Regular readers will realise that this excitement is also a form of fear for me as I am a control freak who finds it very difficult to live hand to mouth!! However, I am doing my best. This situation has shown me how many friends I have and how important they are to me. I am thankful for that.

The upshot of this is that it has sent me into a bit of a spin emotionally and has started to drag up all the other stuff that i have managed to control for so long. I do not blame the relationship break up for this, I simply think that as I spend more time with myself and God, without the stresses and strains that had become a part of my life, I can hide less.

I have made quite good progress on my main hurdle in life and faith - FORGIVENESS - and am now at a point of saying I can forgive the person I once professed to hold a murderous hatred for. This is not in anyway a done and dusted deal. I still have to start everyday with a sentence that proclaims I have forgiven them...some days I believe it, others I don't - but I say it anyway because I know that my healing is dependent on it and I know that that is what God wants.

So all in all, I have been going along life and have felt pretty ok with things...until today. Last night I had a dream, and although I cannot remember much of it, I can remember that I had the chance to go to my old Church and that I felt incredibly excited by that, so much so that I woke up feeling the need to go. (This is astonishing for two reasons...firstly, there has been an extended break between me and my Church for reasons I won't go in to and secondly, someone asked me at 1.10am that morning whether they would see me in Church and I had quickly responded - no...)

Having not felt so prodded by God for so long I decided to do as I was bid - even though my family were not pleased - and to Church I went (not before texting a friend to be sure of support when i was there, mind!)

The sermon was on the old favourite - Grace with a side of forgiveness. I listened to the preach, which was full of the faith that I believe in and the ideas that I feel are so fundamental to a Christian and felt myself getting angrier and angrier...and I don't really know why!

Cue my musings on the matter. Like I have mentioned above, I am further down the road of forgiving others that I have ever been (although probably just through the garden gate in all honesty) but i am no further along in the battle to forgive myself.
The sermon said that to have God's grace I have to accept His forgiveness, which I believe that I have done but when I tackle the issue of forgiving myself I find that I am lacking. How can I accept God's forgiveness and trust in that if I am not able to forgive myself? The answer is I can't!
So I am angry on three accounts:
1) That I am in a position that means I have to forgive myself for past things in the
first place.
Anyone who knows my story seems to think that there is nothing to be forgiven for and
although this is good to hear and is probably what my heart needs to hear - it makes me even
more resentful that I feel like I should be in this position.
2) That I can't seem to forgive myself.
If anyone else was in this position I would be thinking that there was nothing to forgive and I
would be encouraging them to forgive themselves - so why on earth can I not??!! This is
frustrating because I cannot see a way forward on this one. Being told that God forgives me
does not help me to forgive me!
3) That this is keeping me distant from God
I want to be close to Him, especially at this time, and the anger and unforgiveness that is in
me is keeping me at a distance...it's like me saying 'I don't trust you God - your judgment is
not good enough - just because you say that I am forgiven, doesn't mean I am' This makes me
mad.

So now I need to focus on this issue - just another small hurdle then..............honestly life can be hard sometimes.

Chocolate or Church?

2010-04-04T13:26:00.004+01:00

Today I went to Church. This is not unusual for a Christian on one of the most important days in the calendar, that is a given, what is strange (for me at least) is that I chose to go to Church rather than eat chocolate after a thirteen week extended lent, where I gave up..........chocolate!

I am not going to lie and say that Lent was easy - it wasn't, but then again that is the point - what is gained by giving up that which we will not miss? If that is the case then I have had a time of fasting from Brussel Sprouts, ginger, cinnamon, tripe...you get the picture! So when embarking on Lent this year I decided to extend it. I wanted a constant reminder of Jesus in my life. I decided that this year would be the year that I would put ALL my faith in Jesus, not just a little or 90%, but 100%. As ever this is a work in progress, but extending Lent was a good start.

Now I do not need chocolate, I am fortunate enough to have more food than I need available to me, but I do like it. I find that at times it is a good pick-me-up emotionally and physically. Without that I HAD to rely on God for my emotional and physical caffine shot. This has proved more joyous than I can imagine, as well as being a constant reminder of Jesus and His sacrifice for me.

So today I had a choice - Chocolate or Church. In the final weeks of my Lent I had looked forward to today as a break in my fast. I had looked forward, and spoke at length, about my plans to sit and gorge myself on chocolate for the first hour of my day. How I looked forward to waking this morning!! BUT, before I fell to sleep last night I felt God telling me to go to Church in the morning. I was not impressed...that did not fit in with my chocolate plans! So I decided (quite foolishly) to bargain with God and said 'I will not put my alarm on, if I am meant to go to Church then, God, you will wake me in time'. Needless to say that God took on the plans and woke me up at 7.30 - a full three hours before Church!

Even then I thought well, I need more sleep so I will go back to sleep and will wake up in good time if God wishes me to (!!). I was awake at 9.20 on the dot and could not sleep again...even then I wasn't sure whether I had the energy to get up or whether I should languish in bed a little longer. I was at the point of deciding that I should stay and ignore God's heart that I should go to Church, when I heard the words of Amazing Grace. The words that struck me were the lines:

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

I was reminded of the lightness in my soul when I first came to Christ and how I feel when connected with God - I feel that nothing can touch me and hurt me, my heart is full to overflowing. I knew then that I didn't HAVE to go to Church but that I WANTED to. I wanted to sing with my fellow believers, I wanted to be washed with the Holy Spirit, I wanted to show God how much I love Him and how thankful I am to His Son that He would die for me and my sins - that I could be loved so much.

So I decided that I should be putting Jesus first, that I should start the day with Him. Chocolate could wait - after all it seemed somewhat insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

Happy Easter everyone! Christ is Risen...how AMAZING is that?

Happy to be living in God's love

2010-03-29T22:15:00.002+01:00

Just a short post to say that I am happy to be a child of God.

The end

No shoes for a day...support it!!

2010-03-29T22:10:00.003+01:00

This is an excellent campaign and all it asks is that we shed our shoes for part of (or a whole) day in order to highlight that some children in the world do not have any shoes...highlighting poverty is always worth the effort...but only if it reminds those of us who have plenty that we do so through the grace of God.

Join me in spending the day without shoes...8th of April.

Be a moon and not a Sun...

2009-11-04T15:00:00.002Z

Last night, whilst driving home from work after a late information evening, I looked up at the sky and saw a huge beautiful moon in a clear sky surrounded by many stars...and I had a startling revelation..........
The moon is beautiful only because it reflects the Sun's beauty...without the Sun the Moon is no longer its full self - it still exists but it lives in the dark, hidden from the lifegiving rays of the provider.
This is like many people. God is obviously the Sun - He gives life, shines in glory and provides us with the ability to live in light and not dark. People are the Moon...they are merely reflectors of God's glory - all that we are is magnified by God, His grace allows us to shine and be fulfilled.

The problem lies with people trying to be the Sun...as many do. They want to be the source of everything, they do not want to be reliant on something else for their glory and for their very being. These people are lost and end up trying to be like the Sun and not the moon and then end up failing at both and feeling that they do not belong...why do they do it?

The moon would not fulfil its purpose without the sun...we will not fulfil our purpose without God

An interesting revelation.............................................................I shall have to muse on this further...

How do we know what God's rules are?

2009-01-26T09:28:00.007Z

This topic has always been a confusing one for me. As a teacher I am often asked 'How can we prove God is real?' My usual answer is that we can't but also, how can we prove that God doesn't exist? I find it hard to get some atheist pupils to understand that once you have experienced God's love and direction in your life it is hard not to believe. But when I am asked by some pupils how I know, as a Christian, what God's rules are I stumble because of two reasons:
1) The answer is obviously that the Bible is like the 'rule book' given to us by God through people in different times and places. This I believe to be part of the truth, but I have issues with the Bible as a complete piece of scripture. I will expand on this below
2) I am inclined to think, that although the Bible was God-breathed, that is, inspired by God (I do not, and have never, considered that God dictated the Bible word by word - again I will expand on this later) and is therefore very important, that God's word and direction through prayer should be considered as showing God's rules. If I need guidance, I pray, as I have been taught and advised by 'older' Christians in the past, and then I listen. It might take me to a place in the Bible, it may be that God answers through another person, or it may be that God answers in His silence. Either way when I think I have an answer, I pray about it again for reassurance. I think that sometimes people get too caught up in relying on the Bible and forgetting that God is alive and can be addressed personally. As far as I am concerned...that is what God wants, a living relationship with His people, not one based solely in the past.

Issues with the Bible as a piece of scripture
I am not going to pull the Bible apart here, as I believe that it is a very important document and as I have said above, I rely on it in many areas of my life.
My problem comes when I think of how the Bible as we know it today, was put together and how some books were included and some were left out by two Councils of men who decided what was 'Godly' and what was not. I am sure that they had stringent rules of what to look for and what not to look for and I am hopeful that there was a lot of prayer involved in the decisions that were finally made. However, a part of me worries that an important part may have been left out or that the men that were a part of the council had an agenda in what they chose to include, consciously or subconsciously.

Obviously, these doubts say more about me than they do about anything but they are there nonetheless. For example, I believe that Paul was a godly man who gave good advice, but it has always worried me that much of the Roman Catholic (amongst others) doctrine about leadership in the church, that is men can lead, women can't, is based on him and essentially his opinion. After all, he is just one man who, whether he meant to or not, wrote from his context. It is doubtful that he considered his words to have such exacting longevity and they would still be being applied today in a totally different time, place and culture. Or that his letters would make up a majority of the New Testament.

My second point about the Bible follows from the previous point. It is that someone, sometime decided to close the book; decided that enough had been written about God and Jesus. When they did this they were stopping God's word in a moment in history. They were leaving the application of those words in the early part of the first century and, for those who believe that the Bible is the infallible word of God to be taken as written, condemning them to try and fit the advice for a particular context into theirs.

*Please do not misunderstand me, I am not suggesting that the Bible is outdated and simply a history book, the point I am trying to make is that it should be open to the changing contexts in which it finds itself. Simply because God is fluid. Therefore, returning to the women in leadership argument, I think Christians should be aware of the context in which Paul was writing when he said that women should not be teachers, should be silent in church etc because there are a plethora of reasons that he may have said it, (including the fact that he may have actually meant women forever, in every context - I am open to that). The thing that concerns me most about religion as opposed to faith is that people do not question, they are told what to believe and what certain passages mean, blind acceptance is never good. I believe that there instead should be a culture of people learning to ask God for His guidance when reading the Bible. (This is one of the reasons that I am in favour of Alpha courses and the like, where people are actively encouraged to ask hard questions of God and the Bible)*

Why is this bothering me so much at the moment? I am not sure, I suppose I am readdressing a lot of things in my life. I am looking at what is most key and am aware that my faith is the most important thing to me. I feel closer to God now than I ever have. I am now at the point of understanding the idea of a constant companion, I now do not feel that I am alone. If I'm honest, I feel that I have opened my eyes for the first time and really seen the world in all it's glory. I now WANT to sing at the top of my voice during worship not because I think God will hear the loudest, but because I want Him to know how much I love Him and how thankful I am to Him. Bearing this in mind...I think I need to know that the thing that I am basing so much of my life on, is real to me...not that it says something because another person tells me it does, I want to be in charge of my relationship with God, strike that...I want God to be in charge of our relationship, not anyone else.

I have spent the last couple of weeks in limbo regarding my faith and my life and feel that I am coming out of the smoke, I am starting to see things clearer than I ever have, and I am excited and completely and utterly scared by it all.

*As a footnote...I am aware that the position that I am taking has it's flaws in that our own interpretation means that the Bible can be used for our own means and not God's. However, I am not proposing that we just read the Bible and think, what does that mean to me. I am asking that people give some air space to God in their reading and deliberation of the Bible and act on His advice. In the past I have prayed to God about something and really disliked the answer that I have been given but have had to follow it (albeit eventually in some cases!!) because God is a God that prods us when we need it.
Second footnote...The reason I do not like the 'God dictated it approach' is because my experience of it has been that people do not follow it properly, they interpret as much as the next one , only they try to make out that they don't. Everyone that reads a text, be it the Bible, or a novel, brings their own context to it, it is impossible not to. The problem comes when people do not realise this.*

Misplaced Ownership...

2009-01-22T08:24:00.007Z

I joined another church for a Bible Study this week, partly because I was invited and partly because I was curious as to what a Bible Study entailed as I have never been to one per se. The passage we were looking at was Luke 4:14-30 which isn't one that I haven't really given much thought to but one that has a lot of meaning within it.
There was much discussion on areas such as why Jesus chose to quote from the book of Isaiah, why he missed out the part about destroying enemies and why the crowd suddenly became very angry with Jesus after He talked about the Gentiles that had been helped and healed by the prophets Elijah and Elisha. On all of these points I had many thoughts (which will not shock those of you who know me) but I kept quiet as it was the first time I had met most of the people and I didn't want to talk them to death!

Of the thoughts one has stayed with me and I am starting to feel that there is a message from God in it. A message about a part of my life that I am currently struggling with.

The vicar asked us why the crowd became angry at Jesus when he said that the prophecy was fulfilled in Him and when He chastised them, reminding them that God loves all people and heals Gentiles over Jews in some instances. My first reaction was to say that it was because they felt they had ownership of Jesus and it was totally misplaced. Let me explain...
Jesus had returned to His childhood home, where people knew Him as a little boy 'Joseph, the Carpenter's son'. They felt that they knew Him and now that He was a 'Celebrity' due to all of His healings and sermons, they wanted a little bit of the action, and with it a little bit of the glory. So they felt that they had ownership of Him because they had been 'instrumental' in His journey.

An everyday example would be the X-Factor Finalists going home in the last week to see the people who are supporting them and finding people who are best friends with them...having known them at school...who are three years below them...and said hi in the corridor...once! These people often to profess to know the person and when asked 'How do you think X will react if they win?', explain in detail how they will react saying, 'that's so them!'. The truth of the matter is they have no idea and if person X was to say 'actually, you don't know me and I would never react that way', the other person would likely become angry and defensive and judgmental...just as the people who were listening to Jesus did.

Returning to the crowds...they became so angry that they 'drove Jesus out' and to the edge of a cliff. Jesus' reaction was not to fight but to stand tall and then simply walk through the crowds.
Firstly, the reason I think the crowds became so incensed (I think it is right to use such a strong word) is because they felt they had the right to say how Jesus should react and what He should say and when He did something that they didn't like, they felt disappointed in Him and let down and were reminded that in fact they had no special ownership of Him.
We were also asked what this passage might be teaching and what our three points would be if we were giving a sermon on it. One point I thought of was 'Not to base your decisions and actions on fear'. This is a two-fold point.
First part - That the reaction of the crowds was a collective one, it was fear of the unknown and the power of Jesus' words of fulfilled prophecy. They fed upon each others' fear and became a 'mob'.
Second part - This decision to drive Jesus out wasn't a sound one because the basis was fear. Jesus showed no fear (at least it isn't mentioned here in the passage). He stood there and chose the simple act of walking to show that He would not be intimidated and that His word 'A prophet is never accepted by His people' had in fact come true. The passage doesn't say that why the crowd didn't stop Him, but my guess is that they didn't trust their decision because it wasn't built on a firm foundation. It was built on summation and opinion, Jesus' was built on God.

So how does all of this apply to me?
It reminded me that no one is owned by another regardless of how 'indebted' they are to them, or what relationship they are in with them. And although we may think we 'know' people we shouldn't project our expectations on them in such a way as to make them feel that they have failed, God knows best.
Secondly, it helped me to realise that I do not need to fear another person's opinion when making decisions (which I am prone to doing), because if I do then I will base what I do on that fear and it will not be a firm foundation. Instead I need to pray about situations and listen for God's voice. If I do that, then surely, whatever the path I take, it will be the right one.

Guilt...

2008-09-26T10:46:00.003+01:00

What a topic! I think it is safe to say that I could write about this subject forever but i'll try to keep it to a short snippet for both my sanity and yours!!

When I put the word guilt into a well known search engine these are the answers I got:

1.) The state of having committed an offense
2.) Remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense
3.) Responsibility for wrongdoing
4.) A term denoting an unpleasant feeling associated with unfulfilled wishes.
5.) Guilt is a higher form of development than shame. Guilt has an internal punitive
voice which operates at the level superego (an internalized punitive harsh
parental figure). There are two kinds of guilt: Valid guilt and invalid guilt.

This in itself is a very long list of different ideas but there is one concurrent theme running through all five and that is wrongdoing...or to put a Christian slant on it...SIN! And all mention the 'unpleasant' feeling associated with guilt.

First point...I'm not sure the word unpleasant really even begins to cover it - my experience of guilt is that it can become all consuming, it is not merely unpleasant - it is an ominous feeling of dread and the knowledge that you are soiled and unclean. My guilt makes me want to scrub my body from the inside out with bleach.

Second point...according to these definitions (apart from number 4, which i will return to in one moment.) guilt is directly linked with a person doing something wrong. So that would mean that all the guilt I feel is because of my action. That makes sense to me - for it is only if you agree to something that you can do it...but surely that is not true of everything. For instance, the people forced to kill their family in the Rwandan atrocities of 1993 - they may have felt guilty but can they really own it? The truth is that as awful as it must have been for both the family shot and the one shooting (I cannot even begin to imagine)the person was forced into the action by another more powerful, so it isn't really their guilt to own. And yet we do. On the other hand, you might argue that just because you are coerced into something that you are not at least at fault a little bit? If you didn't allow it, then surely it wouldn't have happened at all? What a confusing matter...I would say that the people of the example were acting selflessly for the love of their families.

Third point...Returning to definition 4. 'Unfulfilled wishes' Surely not winning the lottery isn't included in this so it must mean wishes that start with 'I wish I hadn't...' Or 'If only I had...' Which illustrates the most frustrating thing about guilt. Once it is there, it seems to be there forever, like soil building layer upon layer until the original guilt is merely a small thing in comparison to the whole. I have found that I may for a fleeting second feel the guilt lifting but I find this more painful because when it comes back (and it always does), it crushes me with despair and then I feel guilty for thinking for a moment that certain actions were not my fault!! It is a vicious circle.

Fourth point...drawing from the last quote, 5, 'Valid guilt and Invalid guilt' ???? what on earth does this mean? And more importantly, how can we tell whether guilt is valid or not? Surely that is just giving us a loophole in order to appease ourselves. If there is an excuse, we as humans will find it and use it.

I have no answers to these questions really...except I guess that God has to be the ultimate judge on the valid and invalid issue, but that doesn't really help in the mean time with the incapacitating feeling that I should have done something differently, or worse...I was the one that caused it. So back to prayer again, I'm not sure I have any words left or that I have any energy. I want to just return to the bank queue of constant manageable feelings where I don't have to deal with all of this............at the minute that feels like all I can do.............but then I will waste all of the 'progress' I am told I am making.............

I'll have confusion with a side order of guilt please...oh......and make sure you supersize that.

Hard Times...

2008-09-25T09:44:00.003+01:00

In the tradition of being totally truthful on my blog, if not in real life, I feel that I need to explain something to release it from my head.

Further to my previous blogs on 'voices' there is one statement that I am constantly hearing in my head...at the most inopportune times (driving, teaching, falling to sleep) and it is the statement 'I have had enough of life'. Now this statement makes me a little apprehensive for two reasons...

The first is that it can occur at any time and more to the point, when I am feeling alright. I can be plodding along and I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness and the feeling that I have just had enough. I am not suicidal and would never consider that as an action but it is really overwhelming at times and has made me catch my breath with the intensity of it.

The second reason is that the statement is often accompanied with images that I would rather forget and it takes me away from the reality in which I am and takes me to the past where I am bound. It scares me that I am able to be so out of control with my mind and so governed by something else. I feel like my body is being taken over again and for this reason I feel like I am ceasing to exist.

Apologies for the depressing nature of this post...but sometimes the truth is depressing. I will have to hand it all to God.

The World/the Devil strikes again!!

2008-09-21T15:30:00.002+01:00

My Church is considering buying a building as we currently meet in a school and feel that we need to be more visible in our community. In order to do this we as a congregation are having to make big steps in faith as we do not have the monetary resources at the moment. For this reason we are having a gift day at Church where we are going to give our money to God's purposes for us in our area. So far so good...I fully support this - the Church is the people and if we want to see God's love and salvation spreading we have to make some sacrifices, be that time, effort or money. Here comes the issue...

I have been praying to God to ask what He wants me to do, to ask what amount He thinks is possible for me to give away (even if I am not sure that it is - I have decided to trust Him). We had settled on an amount, having looked at my finances etc...and all was good. Until I started to feel that the world was playing against me and trying to make it as hard as possible to give that amount. Since deciding the figure I have had a very minor car prang (there's £100 excess straight away), then my glasses were broken at work (looking at around £50 in the least to be repaired)...followed by my watch falling off my wrist somewhere between my home and Dudley!! Add to this Car Tax and saving for my new place...this giving thing is starting to be hard!!

I caught myself thinking, 'well, maybe I can halve the money that I was going to give, as I have had so many things pulling on the purse strings lately...'
What a dangerous path to go down! That is the path of the devil, of idolatry (money is more important) and simply not God's path for me (I also think that it is a little rude of me to have these long conversations with God, take up His time and then flat out ignore His advice!)So I stopped my wanderings down that way and turned back to God.

He alone knows what is good for me, and yes, the giving will now be a little more sacrificial than first thought but that's the point...going for God isn't easy, or else everyone would do it without a need to address the real issues in their lives and it's not that I think my faith means my life has to be hard or I am not a good Christian...certainly not, that's not what God is about. It's simply that I know that there is little point in storing up earthly goods - as the Bible says, the moths will have them!

In reality, I live a blessed life, I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my stomach and a soul that has been reclaimed by the Father...the money that I will be giving away is 'disposable income' - rather than dispose of it in worldly things where the economy just looks rocky, I would much prefer to give into the Kingdom of God...not because God tells me I have to, but simply because I want to.

All that said though - the Enemy is a tricky little dude...thank goodness I am now starting to see how little he is compared to God.

The voice that I do not have...to little me

2008-09-18T14:01:00.002+01:00

My decision...finally...for real...no turning back...hmmm

2008-09-17T20:27:00.012+01:00

An interesting video...(one major flaw)

2008-09-17T18:17:00.003+01:00

I was looking on YouTube, as you do, and came across this video made by a guy who is clearly an atheist.

He has gone through his arguments systematically, logically and stated why God DEFINITELY does not exist...however, although I appreciate a good debate and like to hear all sides of an argument, I do not have much time for people who pull apart other beliefs when their argument has a clear major flaw!!

The main problem I have with this video is the presumption that God is made of matter - that in order to exist He has to be made of something that we can tangible touch and experience physically.

'Existence is a relatively simple concept -- it is defined as that which consists of either matter or energy. Therefore if a god exists, it must be composed of either matter or energy.' (!!)

This is such a leap in argument and is only in the first two sentences! He is saying that if God is to exist He has to be made of something that we understand to be the building blocks of creation...fine, if God was part of the creation and not the CREATOR! I find that this, as a sentence, is incredibly egotistical; the idea that because we cannot conceive of something above and beyond humanity - then it cannot be real!

'If a god exists, then physical evidence is really the only methodology by which we can ascertain that a god exists. Of course, this does not require direct physical evidence...

Evidence is defined as that which impacts our physical senses in some manner, either directly, or through some translating device such as a spectrograph or an oscilloscope.'

This statement when viewed together is completely contradictory...the author states that physical evidence is needed to PROVE God exists and then says that direct physical evidence isn't needed as proof of existence... he uses the idea of blackholes that he knows to exist although he has never seen them(!!) because of their effect or impact upon matter. Hmmmmm...I am trying not to come over as sarcastic and am failing miserably...surely his belief that blackholes exist has to be taken, in part, on faith, as he has never seen one for himself and yet he states it like they are fact and cannot be disproven. To further back up his claim he then defines evidence...'that which impacts out physical senses in some manner'...HOLD UP!!

Why then are the healings that people have experienced and WITNESSED and the sensory perception of God's presence not in themselves evidence by this definition? It certainly seems to me that they could be. In my limited experience, the presence of God has many impacts upon someone's physical state, they are overcome and feel Him! That seems to me to show that God is able to affect matter by His presence and His 'energy'.

As the author states, we do indeed determine the existence and non-existence of things through the evidence of our senses, this is the only way we can after all. So I think that it is a little unfair for the author (referring to God) to then go on to say,

'If I argue that something exists, but then claim there is no way to detect it, my argument contradicts itself'

Christianity does not say that there is no way to detect God, for God is always present, we are able to feel Him and experience Him through prayer, through asking Him into our lives and troubles and through the Holy Spirit.

'If a god exists, then sensual evidence of some sort is required to determine the existence of that god. If a god is not made up of matter or energy, then that god does not exist, since that which is not composed of matter or energy -- does not exist.'

Here is the major flaw in the argument...to think of God within our own meager experience, within human terms is to miss the majesty of the creator completely. Of course we try to understand God on our own terms...referring to 'Him', His 'hands' working the potter's wheel, His 'eyes' as a way of showing that He sees and is aware of us...none of these things really mean that He looks like a human and is in fact a being in any sense that we have seen or understood before. It is merely our very basic way of trying to understand that which is in part inconceivable and would remain so if not for experiencing God!

Overall, there is much to say about this author and I could go on... but I will finish here and state instead that although he believes that he has offered a tight, logical argument for the non-existence of God, he has in fact produced a weak one because of the major flaw of believing that God is anything but the awesome, higher lifeforce that He is. Instead, trying to belittle Him by confining Him to our own very narrow understanding of creation from a human point of view proves nothing except that the author is too caught up in his own self importance, unable to think that something could be 'above' him.

Despite the last post...

2008-09-15T19:35:00.003+01:00

I now actually think I may be going mad.

Further to the topic I discussed in the last post, it may be because I have actually focused on what I am hearing instead of ignoring it, or maybe I am just not a nice person...

For a few weeks now I have had the almost overwhelming urge to shout obscenities aloud at myself - not others - to tell the voices from the past and now of the present, to just remove themselves (the less polite version.) It is strange because it comes from nowhere - I can be driving, thinking of my day, what I need to do, all the mundane things that a person might think about and suddenly I will be shouting obscenities at myself and the voice that hasn't even been allowed to speak. I find myself just wishing that I could leave my head and my body for a while - just float free, away from this fight.

The more scary thing for me at the moment is something that has only happened a couple of times and although it has been only a thought and would never be an action, it's really bothering me. I have found myself thinking really very unkind things about people I see (and don't know) and imagining how much I could hurt them by saying it to them. I have found myself wanting to make these strangers HURT, really hurt. I want them to feel the pain that I will not let myself feel. I am disgusted with myself for these thoughts and the only thing that it seems to prove to me is that I am not a nice person, and the statements about me that I am hearing seem to be more truth than fiction.

So I have consequently spent much of my time in prayer asking for forgiveness, but then I am now at the point of thinking that if I keep asking for forgiveness and then the thoughts continue to pop into my head then God has to at some point consider me to be insincere, when I really am not.

This post doesn't make any sense - sorry I just need to put these thoughts out there so that they are not just in my head...

Voices in my head...

2008-09-12T07:50:00.002+01:00

I'm not mad - I promise...well at least I don't think I'm mental. Recently, I have been having a tough time, more so than I ever have before, mainly because I have never allowed myself to get this far down the road less traveled. Life is good, many positive things are afoot and I am making progress in many areas of life, but equally life is very hard and sometimes feels like it is too hard to face. It is times like this that I am thankful for my job which means I have to get out of bed and thankful for friends and family that spend time with me (even though they don't know how much I need it at the moment.) Sorry to be blunt but you need all of this 'heart-warming' information so that the next bit makes a little more sense.

I have heard much said about the enemy; the devil, and how he tries to put you off your path with God and lives, in order that you will not. And up to a point I thought it was a little sci-fi until now. At church, people have prayed with me at various times and in their prayers they have asked God to protect me from the devil and the voices that are speaking lies to me and I just accepted that sometimes people pray relevant things and sometimes they don't. But more so than ever those are the prayers that I am clinging to now. The voices that I am battling, the voices from the past and the things that they are saying are tearing me apart, they are like knives into my very soul and the weird thing is that until yesterday when I prayed aloud at my Life Group meeting for God to make His voice the loudest in my mind, that I realised that there were so many negative voices whirling around in there.

It's funny but if you have been hearing something for long enough, you don't hear it anymore, not like an outside thought, you feel it. It becomes a part of you. The words that I hear the most, many of which are highly unpleasant, feel like they are who I am. As if they are so a part of my core that if you sliced me in two they would appear there like in a piece of seaside rock.

The realisation that there are these voices that have been with me for many years has had a two fold effect. Firstly, it has annoyed me. I feel like I have been stupidly duped into believing these things and that I have been weak enough to accept them. I am now more angry at the injustice of it, and at myself for allowing it.

Secondly, I am scared. I am scared that now I am aware of these voices that they are louder. That although I know them to be the work of the enemy and his accomplices in my life, they are all struggling for space at the same time. (This is hard to explain so i'll used an analogy...it feels like the difference between a bank queue and the stock market floor...before this realisation the bad thoughts were in a nice neat little queue, biding their time, waiting for their slot of airpace in my head. Nice and neat, one at a time, constant but simple.
Now it is like a crush of thoughts and voices grappling for attention, like the people trying to get the attention of the sellers and buyers, trying to make their voice the loudest and no one is taking their turn anymore - it is a free-for-all.)

With this image in mind, I am now trying to listen to God's voice, which would be the one voice that I want, and need, to hear. The one voice that speaks the truth and the only voice that can lead me out of this. The problem is that I can hear nothing but babble, too many voices all at once, I can't process which are good or bad until I listen to them and at the moment the ones I have allowed have been so cutting that I am scared to allow any more though - I am tired of this inner battle already.

So, I am back to wishing I had never started down this road, that I had just stayed where the voices, although bad, were in a manageable queue. On some of my worst days I hear the one voice that hurts the most, the one that tells me that God doesn't love me or He wouldn't have left me all those years ago. That one is the hardest to hear because I have no answer to why God would have let things go on as they did. Instead, all I can cling on to is the fact that God loves all of creation, even little me.

Saw this on The Simple Pastor...

2008-09-03T20:25:00.002+01:00

and decided it was cool so I visited Wordle and did one of them for this blog...interesting array of words picked out from this blog...which one is the biggest??!!

A very quick point...

2008-09-02T19:46:00.002+01:00

As you know, many things in my walk with God have surprised me but I have another to add to the list.

Whilst driving home I found out that one of my friends had given birth to a daughter. This was lovely news not only because of the baby element, but also because we had been anxiously waiting since 11 pm Sun when her forewaters broke!!

Now this is the surprising part...once I had got over the shock of the baby being a girl (we had all assumed it was a boy), I turned off my music and prayed!! It was just a prayer of thanksgiving and strength for the new family and it wasn't until I had finished it that I realised my first reaction to the news was to pray......this shocked me, not because I prayed (I have been known to do that before) but because it felt so natural that this should be the first thing I did!!

I'm very happy that it was but I shall take a while to get over the shock...!

A weekend with God...

2008-08-26T16:15:00.002+01:00

Having never been to a 'Christian Weekend' I had no idea what to expect, as for the content and the worship, it was better than I had imagined and I enjoyed starting each day physically worshipping God and now have an emotional understanding of the idea of fellowship and the community of God. I was able to speak with people over the weekend and ask questions, even answer some(!!) without the confines of society - God could be in everything. This invariably led me to the realisation that God should be in everything and IS, whether we like it or not.

Bearing this revelation in mind...
As I have said above, I enjoyed the weekend immensely but I found it very hard and am now left reeling from my moves along the path and unsure how to deal with it.
Throughout the weekend there were numerous words from God, a large majority pertaining to personal hurdles and self worth and how God wants to take the pain away but He has to be given it, we have to 'step through the door' and admit our struggles and ask God to help us. This really struck a chord with me. As i have mentioned in many of my other posts, I have a big hurdle in the shape of forgiveness and regardless of all that I have written on it about forgiving daily and not being able to grow in God without sorting all the hate and hurt out...I have merely been paying lip service because although I truly want to forgive in my head and logically understand that it is not my place to judge others' actions and that God with deal with it in good time...my heart has not been following. A huge part of my heart has not wanted to forgive and not known where to start...my honest thoughts about the people I need to forgive have been more vengeful and murderous in some cases than they have been merciful and loving.

Linked to this is my tendency to 'control freak' ways and my learned habit of not letting go emotionally. All of this thrown together leaves a very messed up person who has learned to 'forget' (for this read - brush under the carpet) because she couldn't forgive. So I became a little annoyed at God in the middle part of the weekend because all the words that we for me were saying that I had to give all of this up and hand it to God and I knew that that would mean a dis-assembly of my very being. The hurt and anger is so deep and has been a part of my life for so long that to give it up to God means that I'm not sure what will be left, I'm not sure if there is anything left. I can't imagine being free of this and although I want to be desperately, I am also scared.

This was in my head as I went to the final worship of the weekend and although I had had a chat with my pastor and been told the truths that I already knew - that I needed to let go - I had found it impossible and resigned myself to the idea of carrying on with life as I had and just getting over it..........................until.....................................God stepped in.

Halfway through the worship part of the meeting we were singing a song that I had never heard before and a line in the chorus said something like 'I give my heart to You' and I found myself silently singing 'I give my broken heart to you' and visualising my smashed up heart being handed to God on a silver plate physically and I felt Him recieve it. This was when I started to cry and I continued to cry for the remainder of the meeting. This was a BIG breakthrough as I haven't cried properly for years and have been frustrated that I couldn't or felt I should hide my feelings.

So i left the weekend feeling drained and more emotional than I have ever felt. The problem I have is that I am now back in a life where no one knows about the things I am confronting and so I have to put the mask back on, which is hard because the glue isn't there anymore. This means that I am now fearing a relapse into old ways to cope, only now I have more gulit about that because I know that God will know.

My only answer at present is to pray almost continually to God to help me to survive this because I haven't even started and already it is too painful.

That Christianity is all about rules........

2008-08-13T10:19:00.004+01:00

Before I became a Christian I viewed religion as a whole from a purely academic stance. I have studied many religions throughout my education and had come to the conclusion that all of them were simply about rules.

My understanding of Christianity was that there were Ten Commandments brought down from Mount Sinai by Moses which Jesus then simplified to the two commandments 'Love God' and 'Love your neighbour'. Which although simple to say, I thought of as extremely complicated to follow because there were all the 'little rules' that followed on from the Big Ten such as looking after the environment, becoming responsible for all of your actions, giving your money away, not being too materialistic, no sex before marriage, no excess drinking etc etc etc. It seemed like such an effort to be a part of this religion that I wondered why anyone bothered - surely it was easier to live life for myself, caring for others but not have a judge that held me accountable for everything. Sure, in the short term it was but I've found some interesting changes in my worldview and within me that have happened as a result not of being bound by Jesus, but by being set free by Him.

I was talking to a friend yesterday that I don't get to see very often and he asked me how the whole 'church thing' was going and it led me into a conversation and a path of understanding that I had not been down before. I told him that it was going well and that it has only changed me for the good. At which point I found myself explaining how Jesus has and is continuing, to change me. This led me to the statement 'By having an ideal in Jesus I find myself changing for the better and free to be me in my entirety.' I once was told that being a Christian allows you to be more you, it doesn't change who you are but makes who you are. I thought at the time that this person was talking a load of tripe because I didn't think it possible to be more me! But that is my exact experience.

I have found that the 'rules' that had put me off (amongst a whole range of other things) are the thing that allowed me to become the true me that God wants me to become. I am not a better person for following rules like a duty, because I HAVE to, I am a happier person because I feel that the guidance I receive from God through the Bible and Prayer takes the pressure OFF of me. I am feeling more and more free from the strains of society and what it expects of me and more focused on my purpose as a child of God.

An example of this would be my self esteem. I have had low self esteem for as long as I care to remember brought about by many different factors. I had let this govern my actions for so long that when I heard that Jesus had died on the cross for ME I couldn't accept it, but when I did it became my new bedrock. I now know, even at times when I feel like i've forgotten, that I am loved by God. This is so powerful a realisation that I cannot do anything but worship Him and thank Him for His grace. I do this by following Jesus' example. I cannot begin to tell you how glad I am to have the guidance of the Bible (and my Church) in order to know how to glorify God, because without it I don't think I'd have a clue! The 'rules' are not rigid thou shalt's and thou shalt not's, they are suggestions that I now follow through CHOICE and they are helping me to accept me.

There are many other ways that the 'rules' have help me to understand myself and accept myself more and I will cover those later but sufice to say that all in all the rules that put me off before are the path that has and will continue to lead me closer to God and the real me.

I couldn't find Jesus...

2008-08-04T21:29:00.002+01:00

I was at a different Church yesterday for a special occasion - a Christening, where I had the great honour of being one of the Godparents. It was a lovely day and I really enjoyed myself...but that isn't what my post is about.

As the title suggests, somewhere along the line I couldn't find Jesus, He wasn't lost to me because He resides in me but I wasn't able to connect during the service...let me explain.

I have been to Christenings and Dedications before, pre and post Christianity. I am now of the opinion that I prefer dedications because they are a promise to God and the child and not a promise on behalf of a child (I won't go into this at the moment but suffice to say that if I have children then they will have a dedication). At previous Christenings I have thought that it was a nice service and felt that pang that I wanted some of this 'religion' but left the Church and not really considered it again and yesterday I realised why this had happened. It was because I hadn't experienced or met with Jesus at these Churches. I had gone through the motions and said all the right things and felt secretly proud of myself for remembering the Lord's Prayer without looking at the words but that's it. No connection to the essence of the service.

The service was nice (an awful word but it encapsulates the feeling of the service for me) but it wasn't electrifying or encouraging. This is not in any way a reflection on the vicar as I am sure that for other people the service was what they expected and felt comfortable with. (That sounds sarcastic and I really don't mean it that way - sometimes written word is not the best media for explaining feelings! I just mean that different people worship in different ways)
Whether it was received well by people or not is not the issue I have, my issue is the lack of emphasis on experience and understanding of God. I felt that it was all lip service, it was explanation and liturgy that was delivered in a monochrome way. There was no real room left for people to praise God and most importantly there was no explanation. We were told that candles were being lit to show that Jesus was 'the light of the world' but no mention was made of WHY He deserves this title, or how that directly affects the child being brought to Him, or the congregation, or how Jesus could light up so many of the people's lives in the Church if they accepted Him. It was merely a passing comment, this is what you should believe because it's right...where is the evidence?? (I would say that in our party...it was a double Christening with another child...95-98% were unbelievers...why then they came to a Christening or indeed had the child christened, and why I agreed to be the Godmother when I know it wasn't done from faith is another subject(s), probably for a later blog...what a missed chance to bring God to them). I'm not saying that there has to be a sermon and a sales pitch but at the same time I think the Church as a whole is doing a dis-service to people if they are not open enough to proclaim God's Grace. As Christians we are called to witness, to share the Gospel with everyone because it is FOR everyone, never more so than when you are in Church. The sad thing is that I was at the same Church for the Christening of an elder sibling two years ago. Part of me feels cheated that I didn't at least get to glimpse God then because I might have found Him earlier. It isn't a regret, it is more of a hope, that when people enter a Church for whatever reason, they have a chance to encounter Jesus, not just to read from a script and go through the motions because 'that's what you do' then leave and not return until the next Christening, Wedding or Funeral.
The lack of enthusiasm for God that I saw yesterday reminded me why I couldn't connect with Church before and also left me a little concerned that if this is the image that the Church is portraying, then we have little hope of bringing God to people.

I have rambled but based on yesterday I have come to two (surprising) conclusions:

1) Even though I often feel like a newcomer in my Church in repects to the relaxed way we worship and conduct services, I am an Evangelical Christian through and through. I wholeheartedly believe that God is immanent and can be experienced, that He is personal and wants a RELATIONSHIP with His creation, not to be feared and revered from a far but to be in every breath of a person's life.

2) I'm turning into an Evangelist. I want others to know Jesus...I don't mean that I am going to ram it down people's throats but that I have a flame within me that wants to proclaim God's Grace and Glory and wants others to experience His love. So much so that when I am in a situation where that isn't happening, it makes me sad and a little mad. I am excited by the good news that I have recieved and feel that it is unfair of me to keep this to myself, and moreover, I am unable to. at times I feel God spilling out of every pore in my body and I want other people to have this wonderful gift.

When I close my eyes I cry...

2008-07-20T16:12:00.002+01:00

When awake with the world around,
I hear nothing, not a sound,
My heart can speak and I do not hear,
Because I am living life in fifth gear.

But when I close my eyes,
When I can no longer see the world going by,
When I close my eyes
I begin to cry.

With a busy life full of joy,
I can go for days without need of a decoy,
I can carry on ignoring my heart,
I can carry on and not fall apart.

But when I close my eyes,
When I can no longer see the world going by,
When I close my eyes
I begin to cry.

Focus on God and the divine,
And suddenly my defences decline,
When I give my heart time to speak
I find that my 'strength' grows weak

I close my eyes to pray to the Lord,
The one through which I am adored,
Yet no matter how hard I try,
The eyes that are now hidden, begin to cry.

An interesting description of Grace...

2008-07-14T12:30:00.002+01:00

I saw this description of cheap grace vs. costly grace on Phil Whittall's blog. I think that it sums up what I have come to believe grace is. Even though cheap grace is easier, I would chose costly grace every time.

Am I evil if I sin????

2008-07-09T08:13:00.005+01:00

Yet another blog inspired by the Alpha course last night (I promise I am officially a helper...even if I find I am learning more than teaching!) We had a talk on how to resist evil which naturally led to a discussion that included what evil is and how sin plays a part.

The discussion has got me thinking...one of the problems people have in becoming a Christian is the misconception that Christians and the Church will make them feel guilty about what they are doing wrong. In my experience, I have never felt that my Church leaders were looking down on me no matter what I said or questioned in the first place. However, I have learnt that the difference between a Christian and a Non-Christian is as simple as living for yourself or living for God. John, who gave the talk, suggested that evil is summed up in the belief that I can do whatever I like'. I think he hit the nail on the head.

This however, opens up a whole debate in my mind - if I choose to do something for myself am I evil? Are some people more evil than others? Are some people born evil and so will always be? Should we take into account the evil person's circumstances (mental health/childhood/life difficulties)? I'm not sure that I have the answers to all of these but I'll attempt one anyway!!

If I choose to do something for myself am I evil?

I would say that the definition of evil would be the belief that 'I can do whatever I want'. Selfishness is, for me, the root of evil . By this I do not mean that every time I choose to make myself a cup of coffee I am sinning, the sin comes from actions that I would continue with, without regard to others who may be affected.

For example, a person choosing to stay out all night without thought to tell their family at home, who have subsequently worried and been out searching for the 'missing' person all night. That person has sinned. I wouldn't go as far as to say that they are evil but if they repeat the sinful act then they are living in evil. They are choosing to live for themselves and not for God and others. The stark reality of Christianity is that you choose to live for God or by default, Satan.

One of the problems of society is that there has been an upsurge of RIGHTS and a downfall in RESPONSIBILITY. If people believe that they have the right to this and that then it should follow that they would gain more responsibility. If everyone lived according to the right to do as they please then we would live in a lawless society. It is the act of doing as you please because you have that right and disregarding the responsibility that allows evil to prosper.

As a Christian I believe that I am to live in God's glory and grace and because I am doing that God is changing me from the inside out, I react differently to familiar situations, and all because I am able to reflect the forgiveness and grace that God has bestowed on me. So if I am living for myself and trying to do things my way then yes, I am living in evil.

Are some people born evil and so will always be?
I would say yes and no. If we take the position that evil is living for yourself and a natural inclination towards selfishness, then my answer would be that yes, we are all born with the ability to be evil. God gave us freewill and without His guidance, freewill is often used for unsavoury gains. As people are born unaware of Christ and His payment for us, then we are all open to evil and Satan's plan.

However, it does not follow that a person who commits evil acts is forever evil. If I was to state that people are then I could not call myself a Christian. My hope has to be that all people can be saved and therefore can repent of their sins. This doesn't in anyway belittle the experience of others that have been affected by their actions but it means that they are able to come to live in God's glory.

If I believed that all people who lived in evil (be that major or minor) would always be evil then there would be no-one left to save - I have, and will no doubt, sin again, I am imperfect but because of God's gift of Jesus for me, I will always return to the light and refuse to be brought back to Satan.

Are some people more evil that others?
This is a difficult one for me to answer. I could list people who were generally agreed to be evil by many people, such as Hitler, Ian Brady, Myra Hindley, rapists, murderers, child molesters and say that they are more evil than the person who has an affair, or steals from a shop and leave it there. In the past I would have but now I am more inclined to say that no one person is more 'evil' than the next. Controversial!! I think that some people carry out more evil ACTS than others and so are portrayed as evil but all are able to be saved and repent of their actions. It is not fair for me as an imperfect human being, to judge people for their actions, my part is to trust God. He will be the one to judge and avenge for wrongs. If an 'evil' person has repented (true repentance is not an easy ride, it is facing up to all that you have done and how you have caused pain to others) then they are no worse than a person who has stolen from a shop, once, when they were 5, who has also repented.

If a person continues to repeat an offense, buoyed by only their gratification then they are living in evil, whether that is a 'major' sin or a 'minor' sin.

This does not mean that sinful people are let off. I believe that God is the ultimate judge, there will be payment for sins committed. If the person has repented then they have paid their price, they have owned up to the hurt that they have caused, this is a painful ride and shows real strength in my opinion. If the person continued to live in sin throughout their earthly life then they will pay for all eternity, God will punish them for their actions. I do not know (or indeed, do not want to know) what this will entail but I trust Him to avenge me in any arena that He feels I need vengence for.

Should we take into account the evil person's circumstances (mental health/childhood/life difficulties)?
I would always say that for every crime/evil action there is a context. There is a reason that that person may have committed the crime and that we should be aware of that. Nevertheless, that does not take away the fact that it is an evil act.

In circumstances such as mental health, I am not qualified to comment. The brain is a complex organ and when it malfunctions, it does so with great effect and the consequences of it may or may not be the person's fault. I do not mean to side step this issue but I feel out of my depth with it.

In the other circumstances mentioned I would say that although they might affect the way a person reacts in a situation in the first place that is by no means an excuse. The common phrase,

'hurt people, hurt people'

is often banded around as an explanation for the reason someone raped/murdered another person. 'Oh he had an awful childhood', 'Her husband had left her and threatened to take her kids away, that's why she killed them' . But if this is a reasonable defense then where on earth would personal responsibility come in?

In one of my previous jobs as a Therapeutic Support Worker for children who had been abused I often heard the adage that 'The abused becomes the abuser'. It was generally accepted that if you are abused as a child then there is a high chance that you would repeat it and somehow this was accepted as a reason for parents abusing their children!

I can follow that a person who is abused is more likely to exhibit abusive behaviour IF they do not have other role models but it in no way belittles the crime that they commit. If this argument stood then we could also say that if someone helped you out financially it means that you will repeat this, or that if your parents are upstanding members of the community, then their children will be too. This is false, friends of mine from school who had the best upbringing (their own words) later came to drugs and violence because they CHOSE to.

It is the same for evil acts, regardless of the background, if an act is evil then it is! And they deserve to be punished in the exact same way as the next person. The only way that they can be saved is to own the evil act and ask for forgiveness. I'm sure God would prefer to hear:

'I am sorry for my sins, please forgive me'

than

'I am sorry for my sins, but I was only doing what someone else did to me, I was messed up by it and angry and so I don't think I really deserve as bad a punishment because it's not all my fault. Please forgive me'

An apology has to be wholehearted, or else it is not an apology. People's background might explain why they chose a particular path but it was still a CHOICE and therefore they have to answer for their sins.

The above is only my random mumblings on what is a very emotive subject, please forgive me if it's tripe, I am only learning! Let me know what you think.

Outpouring...a brand-new-believer's take on things...

2008-07-07T10:43:00.005+01:00

I've watched the live stream from the Dudley Outpouring because I wanted to see what all the hype was for myself. I watched the worship and the healings but was unable to watch the sermon.

The following is my view on what I saw, I don't mean for it to be offensive and would like people to be aware that a lot of what I am experiencing in my Christian life is alien to me and thus I find certain aspects hard to comprehend and might change stance as I grow in God.

My initial opinion of the outpouring was one of confusion. The worship was, from what I saw, spirit-filled and was very similar to worship I have experienced before. The confusion came when Trevor came on to the stage. There was no introduction, he simply started talking and prophesying. It was very abrupt and cut into the worship.

Before I continue I suppose I should explain my stance on healing and prophesying. I believe in a God that heals both emotionally and physically and would never second guess a healing because I have no right to doubt that God may have worked in the lives of others. I also believe that some people are given the gift of prophecy, I have received words and images from God, via others that were timely and helped me. So when I review what I saw I am doing it from faith and indeed I will not be talking of the actual healings, more what I perceive as issues with the way the outpouring at Dudley is being conducted.

The first issue I think we need to consider is the image that is being portrayed at Dudley. There are lots of people who watch the events and leave feeling it is a bunch of 'weird' Christians. If God is truly administering an outpouring at Dudley then it is of upmost importance to honour that by making the gospel accessible to all that are interested. My problem comes when I hear Trevor claiming that walking sticks are 'artefacts of the devil' and that they make people comfortable with their pain. Like I have said God heals but it isn't always supernatural, often it comes through the skills and brilliance of the medical profession. I am not sure that I feel encouraged by the subtle suggestion that people are ill because they are not trusting in God enough.

Secondly, my understanding is that God bestows spiritual gifts at His will. Trevor has been bestowed with the gift of healing as many people would testify (see here). So I'm not sure what to make of Trevor's encouragement that if you have been healed of a bad shoulder then you are now anointed to heal for the same problem. It might follow but I think that if you have the power of healing then it is healing in general, not specifics.

Following on from that is the assertion that anyone who answers one of Trevor's calls for healing of a condition/illness, then it will be done. Healing doesn't always work like that, sometimes it does and the glory goes to God for that, but often God heals slowly or in some cases not at all. There is no real answer to the question of why God doesn't heal everyone but we must be trusting that He knows why. The danger with asserting that God will heal is that it may lead to some people questioning God's power or compassion, I think more needs to be done to make it clear that while we remain hopeful that all will be healed, some may not.

At one point there was a drop in the noise and excitement of the crowd watching the healings and so Trevor said that they should stay upbeat because God doesn't inhabit the quiet (!!) I think that it is possible in the excitement of the evening and the presence of God that people are getting a little carried away and say things that are not true. In my limited experience I believe that God inhabits all places at all times.
If you are educated in Christianity and can work out which comments are likely to have been said in the heat of the moment then that's all well and good but this is one of the most public platforms that God and healing has had in a long time in this country and so I think a little more care needs to be taken in how certain things are portrayed, and certainly there needs to be a little more explanation and teaching around what God is doing, as He is doing it.

Lastly, I am concerned as Phil Whittall mentioned that the whole movement is centered around Trevor and didn't give chance for others who have gifts to be used by God. He was the main one laying on hands and proclaiming healings (some of which were not technically healings, but improvements). The ways are at times unorthodox, for instance kicking a bad ankle in order to heal and pushing down on someone's back who had a herniated disc, isn't what I would consider a wise move.

All in all, I realise that although I may have come over as a little negative in relation to the whole thing, I believe in the essence of it. I believe that God has been at Dudley and has healed people but I am not sure that it HAS to happen at Dudley. I am concerned that people are beginning to confine God to human terms and believe that every night He turns up at Dudley and that that is the place you have to go to be healed. God is all around and if people are receptive to Him and trust Him then He will hear your prayer and He will decide whether to answer it or not.

I pray that God continues to heal and touch the lives of all people, those who seek and those who don't.

My goal....................eventually......................

2008-07-06T20:35:00.002+01:00

' Rejoice always!
Pray constantly.
Give thanks in everything,
for this is God's will for you
in Christ Jesus.
Don't stifle the Spirit.
Don't despise prophecies,
but test all things.
Hold on to what is good.
Stay away from every form of evil.'
(1 Thessalonians 5:16-22)

I think that these verses sum up for me, at this moment in time, all that I am striving for, all that I want. As a new believer I have found many aspects of Christianity have been counter to my previous life. Things such as praying and reading the Bible have been harder to include in my life (often I cite being busy as an excuse). I think this is partly because it is different from before but also because I am not as trusting as I would like to be. By that I mean that I have asked God to be Lord of my life and at times He is but more often than not my old fears come back and force me to take a hold of the steering wheel again. Thus, I do not need to pray or read God's words because I am in control and I obviously know better (!!)

I have spoken previously on feeling prodded by God more and more in recent days, and whereas I am aware of this and thankful that God has heard my prayers for guidance, it appears to be having a negative effect on my attitude to God. The more that I am prodded, the more I am forced to consider a path that I would rather not take, in short, one I am scared to take. My reaction therefore has been to pay lip service to the ideas put forward by others in ways that I might be helped down the road less traveled and then in my heart to dismiss the ideas. I was not really aware that I was doing this until the words above spoke to my very core. They put down in print what I REALLY want, what I believe to be the life God wants for me.

If this really is the case then I need to do something about it. The line that spoke to me the most in light of yesterday's events was 'Don't stifle the Spirit'. I have accepted that there is a God, I believe that God's son Jesus died for me on the Cross and yet up until now I haven't given much airtime to the third person of the Trinity. I have only accepted two thirds of God. When I prayed my commitment I included the Holy Spirit and asked Him to come into my life but haven't actually realised what the Holy Spirit is and how much I need to know the Holy Spirit so that I am able to start the journey down THE road.

So my short term aim is to get to know the Holy Spirit, to ask for Him to come into my life and help me, in my decisions, with my conduct and with the strength to take the first step on the next part of my journey. I know that this will be the most painful part, I know that i will want to turn back, maybe twenty times a day but if I accept and truly trust the Holy Spirit to guide me, I cannot have a stronger ally by my side fighting the evil I will be standing up to.

Who knew??

2008-07-05T16:55:00.004+01:00

At the start of the day I had plans...I was going to 'help' at my Church's Alpha Away Day. I imagined that this would involve me being neither use nor ornament because I'm not feeling particularly filled with the Spirit at the moment and as the day was about introducing the Holy Spirit to the guests, I expected to be taking a somewhat back seat during the proceedings.

However, it seemed that God had a different plan. At the end when the guests had chance to respond to Jesus and become Christians or simply receive prayer from the leaders if they wished to. I stayed back on purpose letting the more experienced Christians approach people. It was whilst I was watching the room that I saw one of the guests on their own and went to speak to them. There was much praying with me and another leader and the guest, again I took a back seat and although I felt that God wanted me to pray for the guest I didn't because I doubted God's words. I did however tell the guest what had been in my heart and what I had not said after the prayers of others because I figured that what I thought was insignificant might well be one thing that another need to hear.

At this point two other leaders joined us and the previous leader left. Again there was a lot of discussion and prayer for the guest. After which one of the leaders ask the guest if they were ready to be a Christian (they had previously said that they felt like they were on a precipice and didn't know if they could or were ready to make that step in faith). When they replied yes I was happy and thought how special it was that I could be present when someone gave their life to Jesus (having only been present at one commitment before), this is where the shock was, because one of the leaders then asked me if I could remember what I had prayed in my commitment. Being as though it was only three months, almost to the day, that I had prayed it, I answered yes. He then suggested that I lead this guest to God by praying a prayer of Commitment that the guest could then copy!!!

Firstly, what faith this leader must have had to think that I could do that, I have only prayed out loud for people three times previously and still get immensely nervous about the prospect of it because I worry that I might not say the right thing (if I trusted in the Holy Spirit more for guidance then I think I would probably be less nervous...!!!)

Secondly, it wasn't a run-of-the-mill prayer (not that any is particularly) but it was THE prayer, the one that I imagine every Christian remembers praying and I was in some way in charge of voicing that for someone else and all off of the top of my head!

Those were the two thoughts that instantly bounded into my head...and yet I agreed straight away because I felt that it would be a privilege to be able to do this. In order to pray the prayer I did something that I haven't really ever done in prayer, not properly, I stopped thinking with my head and spoke with my heart. The guest copied my words and became a Christian - HOW AMAZING IS THAT!! The joy and the release that I saw in this person is the best thing that I have ever had a part in, none of the glory for the peace and calm that descended is mine - it is all God's and the fact that the leaders and God trusted me to do this on His behalf is still sinking in.

After the commitment prayer we all prayed for the guest and this time I offered my prayer for them, I didn't for the first time, feel like I was unable or inferior, to do so. I meant every word and yet they didn't feel like my words but the words that God had put on my heart.

So the day that I had decided that I would take a backseat in, God chose to lead me to the front and put some of my experience as a Christian out there to help someone else to be saved. An awesome privilege for anyone, let alone a brand-new-believer!!

Look what the verse of the day is!!!!!!! Hmmmmm...

2008-07-04T18:52:00.002+01:00

This is the verse of the day from God's Politics...coincidence? Or encouragement from prayer?? It's funny when you let the barriers down...just a bit...how much of God's love flows through

That told me!!

2008-07-04T11:51:00.002+01:00

I think I might have been gently reminded by God that although my problems might seem big, they are in fact small in relation to what Jesus has done for me on the Cross.
I was at a Church group last night and during prayer I think God spoke to me. The leader was thanking Jesus for being with us in all of our troubles and enduring them with us at which point I thought 'Well I don't recall Jesus suffering [insert anything that I am bitter about here] anywhere in the Bible' (with all the attitude of a cross teenager who is feeling particularly self involved). And I felt God saying ' That may be true but Jesus did die for you and endured unimagined pain that you will never have to feel'. It was like God was reminding me that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for me and that until I own my feelings and deal with my bitterness, that sacrifice was for nothing.
Interesting point...

What my heart wants to say...

2008-07-03T10:55:00.001+01:00

Does God speak through music???

2008-06-27T18:15:00.003+01:00

Driving home from work, listening to music when I was really struck by the lyrics in this song by Diana Ross. It follows the words from God that I have been receiving recently (at least I think I have...I'm very new to all this). Ever felt well and truly prodded???!!!!

Sometimes when your world seems so big and real
You may run to the shelter of walls
Sometimes you may wish
You could be like your shadow
It fits wherever it falls

Whenever the night’s too deep to find
And the morning is too far away
Wherever you are
There’s always a star to guide the way
There to guide the way

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We all will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

Tonight if a dream should come to your sleep
With a picture you don’t wanna see
Go where it leads, from secret to secret
You are what you want to be
Whenever the sun refuses to shine
And you can’t chase the storm clouds away
Wherever you are there’s always a star to guide the way
There to guide the way

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We all will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

Living in a private world
There are times when it’s hard to break through
So don’t give up
Each time you hurt you’ve got nothing to lose
There’s a voice inside of you

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We all will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

If you listen long enough
(listen)
If you dream it strong enough
(dream it)
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We will find the answer
In the voice of the heart

If you listen long enough
(long enough)
If you dream it strong enough
(strong enough)
A door inside will open
And a light will flood the dark
Like a song too long unsung
Or a soul forever young
We will find an answer
In the voice of the heart

If you listen long enough
If you dream it strong enough
In the voice
In the voice of the heart
We will find the answer
Like a song too long unsung

Why is it that God always asks of us that which we don't want to do?! The answer is of course that there is no challenge in doing things that we like and that we are not stretched by and often it is the challenges that help us to grow as people. God knows what we need - before we do. Again it's about trust and believing the word of God that states that God will not give us more than we can bear.

I was talking to my friend the other day about being stuck behind this wall that I couldn't move past (in faith terms) and he quoted that passage in the Bible and said that he believed that God sometimes holds us back and prepares us for the next stage, equipping us for the next step. He said that he believed that this is what God is doing for me now.

I prayed about it and have felt prodded ever since - hmmmmmm.........who said prayer was easy and that God didn't listen??

Challenge from unlikely sources...

2008-06-25T09:20:00.002+01:00

On a tuesday I 'help' at an Alpha Course, I help in the group discussion after the talk although generally, this involves me sitting and listening and interjecting occasionally..

Anyhoo, it was in this group, last night, that I met a challenge from one of the guests. This particular guest was saying that they felt they were carrying a huge bag of stuff (experiences, guilt etc) and that to get rid of it they feel they need to speak it out to another person. This led to another member saying that when they became a Christian they didn't move on in their faith and healing until they listed all the things that they felt they needed to be forgiven for, and needed to forgive others for. They said that once they had labelled them and owned up to them through physically naming them, they were lifted from the bondage of them.

There is the challenge - I felt that God was speaking to me through these people, that He was laying out the path that I need to take in order to get past the brick wall I am presently behind on my journey.

I've been praying that God might help me to know what to do to move on and to begin healing from particular things in my life. Asking that He offers me a way to Him, and here it is......now I have to actually do something about it. I can procrastinate all I want, I know in my heart that this is the way that I need to go to heal - to talk about it, to tell someone (I wouldn't do it unless I was face to face with someone - I'd just keep putting it off if it was just me and God - although I am aware that He already knows and doesn't NEED me to tell Him but realises that I NEED to tell Him). What I also realise is that when I start, I need to tell everything, not the censored version but the 18 version. The one with all the rubbish, all the thoughts, all the feelings, all the words of hate in my heart planted there by others. It won't be pretty but I feel that God is telling me that it needs to be done.

So now begins the battle with myself to let it go.

The music in my head...

2008-06-25T08:07:00.003+01:00

In an attempt to put in words how I am feeling I am going to use three songs as I just don't have the words to describe the mess!!

The first song is my inner voice. The way that I'm feeling deep within and unable to voice to others or specifically those who have hurt me.

The second is what I think I need to do in order to move on, but for some reason am unable to do at the moment (or unwilling - depends how you look at it)

The third is what I decide to do instead and is the reason that I have hit a brick wall in my healing/faith

Please do not judge me on the videos - youtube's finest!!

They may not make sense, but I sometimes find other people's words easier to use than my own when I am exploring that which I would rather hide

The idea of forgiveness and non-judgement tested...

2008-06-24T14:42:00.002+01:00

From my short relationship with Jesus I have come to realise that judgement is not mine, it's God's. If I was perfect, like God, then I would be allowed to judge others but as I am not (in any form) I have no right to. When I feel that I am judging of others I remind myself of Jesus' words "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?' (Luke 6:41) and believe me, I have to do this a lot!!

Recently the personal circumstances of a close friend have caused me to reflect on this verse in depth. I do not condone the actions of this friend and cannot even imagine being in the position that she has been in and now finds herself in. For this reason, I have found it easy to judge (in my heart). When I spoke to her, she says that she knows that she did wrong and that the people concerned have all agreed to put it behind them. In religious terms she has repented (although she hasn't asked forgiveness from God as she is not Christian) and so it is now in God's hands (if or hopefully when, she becomes a Christian). This is something that I am having to pray about and focus on because I am angry with my friend.

So I feel that I am doing the right thing in regards to at least working on this area, in this circumstance.

Enter my mother stage right... My main hurdle to moving forward in this is actually my mother who has warned me that my friend is only staying my friend because I am not judging her and I should in fact tell her exactly what I think of the situation and essentially break friends with her. I know that my mother is speaking from a bitter place, having been hurt by friendships in the past, but when your mother put doubt in your heart about your actions it's easy to believe her.

Add it to the list of things I have to work on...............phew.........this Christian life is complicated!!

Feeling a little lost...

2008-06-22T19:53:00.002+01:00

I haven't thought the following out so it might not make any sense - i'm going to post whatever it is though, so if it's pants just ignore it.

The only word I can use to describe how i'm feeling is lost. I went to Church today and afterwards we all had a BBQ. It was a lovely day, spending it with friends and just relaxing. However, I felt removed from everything. It was nothing to do with the people, they were all their usual inviting selves and I didn't sit in the corner with a face like a spanked arse, but felt like I was having to work at putting the smile on my face today.

I'm still not sure what the feeling is - I still have it as i'm writing this. It's a sort of despairing remoteness. I feel like I am inhabiting a body and that I'm not connected to it, like i've lost the glue.

At Church my pastor prayed during worship for the people that needed to connect with God, to allow Him to be Lord of their life, to hand Him all the stuff weighing on their hearts...when he said this I actually felt my heart break and then harden so that I didn't let on to anyone that I was falling apart.

I want to give everything to God, I want to be honest with Him and cry out for His help but I have this wall in front of me - and the wall is my pride I think. I don't want to appear weak, I don't want to cry and I don't want to fall apart. The daft thing is that God already knows what is in my heart, He has always known and will always know everything - sometimes before I do. I think i'm just scared, like a little child and not as trusting in God as I would like to think that I am.

Lord Jesus, help me
I don't know where to turn
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to start

I need You,
I need Your strength
I need Your wisdom to guide me

Help me to overcome my fear and pride
Help me to stand up to my demons
Help me to trust you
Help me to know where to turn

Jesus, take my broken heart
Renew it with hope,
Renew it with your love.

Salvage my heart from the eclipsing stone
and help me to be who you want me to be
Help me to do things Your way and not my way
because if I continue on this path it will only lead to my destruction

In Jesus' name
Amen

Abundance...

2008-06-20T08:07:00.002+01:00

*This is not a theological or spiritual post*

The word abundance is such a good one for explaining how much God gives us...and yet the image I get in my head when the word is mentioned devalues it somewhat...it's an image of a bun (with a cherry on top) doing a dance!!

I can offer no explanation - I even confuse myself!!

Have a good day x

Change is a foot...

2008-06-18T10:00:00.003+01:00

Just a quick one to note another change that I noticed last night. It's not earth-changing, or even significant to anyone but me. It shows me that I am making progress on bringing down the barriers.

I was at a course last night with loads of people that I know, including a guy that I have only known for about 5 weeks (through Church). When I was saying goodnoght to everyone, this guy hugged me and I didn't flinch!! There's the change! IIn fact I hugged him back - it was a completely platonic hug, one of friendship but as the person I was hugging was a male that I hadn't known for very long, my usual reaction would have been to shy away or stay completely rigid (with fear - I don't like the invasion of my personal space without invitation).

Another change - small but very significant - I think the stone heart is softening. Thank you God

To dip or to immerse??

2008-06-15T18:23:00.002+01:00

Interesting sermon today at church about baptism. My pastor spoke about two types of Christians...the Dippers and the Immersers.

He spoke of those Christians who want God and Jesus as a saviour at the end of life, they dip in and out of their beliefs choosing when to follow God. It might be that they are faithful in certain areas of their lives and in others they bar the entry. They want God as a saviour, not as Lord.

Then there are the Immersers, those who have chosen and ACTIVELY put their lives into God's hands - and that means everything...even those things that you are trying to forget/feel too guilty about/don't want to acknowledge. These people are not the weakest as some would suggest as they are willing to trust God. These people may go through the hard times facing themselves and their pasts but they are ultimately better off for it because the peace they recieve through God's grace for letting Him be Saviour AND LORD is un-matchable.

So then having cinsidered this I believe that I am a Dipper with Immerser overtones (!!) in that I have not given over everything to God, although I wish Him to be my Lord and Saviour. This is because I am scared of MY reaction if I face all that I would rather hide from, yet I trust God completely. It really is the lack of trust in myself that is holding me back. Which is daft when you think of what is on offer......let me use an illustration:

You are in a world famous biscuit shop, there are countless types and sizes of biscuit available. You are at the counter and realise that you only have enough money for one biscuit, the choice before you is a plain, dry, unsatifsfying biscuit with a little chocolate on the side of it vs. a biscuit packed full of nuts/fruit/sweets/caramel (delete as appropriate) that is covered in the most luxurious thick, world renowned chocolate. They cost the same price. Which are you going to choose? It's a no-brainer!! The second biscuit everytime - why? Because it's full of nourishment, tastes infinitely better and makes more sense! The plain biscuit has it's good points but the sweetness of the chocolate can only mask the plain reality of it for a short while.

This is how I am beginning to see the choice before me - live a life that has its sweet moments but it ultimately plain because of my distance from God, or live a life that is sweet, nourishing and fulfilling?

Is there really a choice?

I didn't realise!!!

2008-06-11T20:07:00.002+01:00

A couple of weeks ago my car was vandalised. I had some idea as to the group of people the vandals may have been apart of. It was kids we had been providing a service to. When it happened I was too tired to worry too much if i'm honest and I also felt an overwhelming sense of.........pity's not the right word.........love (?) for the 'vandals'. Either way my concern was for those children who had done it as I felt sorry that they hadn't got parents who expected them in at 11 o'clock at night. I think when someone (regardless of their age) vandalises someone elses property it says more about their view of themselves, than the person who is the 'victim'.

Anyhoo, yesterday I visited a friend that I hadn't seen since the car thing and they said 'I heard you forgave the kids that did that to your car'. The weird thing is...until my friend said that I didn't even realise that that is what I had done!! But I have! And I did it without much agonising and thought really, it just seemed the right thing to do. God is changing me - I'm not sure that I would have done the same thing a few months ago. I'd have probably felt hard done by, bitter and like it was a personal attack.Yet I didn't because not long after we had found my car in that state I had been able to pray with a group of people for the children who had done it. During that short prayer session I felt my heart go from stone to feather, I felt the bitterness that had begun to settle within me, leave. And I'm thankful to God for that.

So two things have come from this experience and the conversation yesterday:

1) I can and I am forgiving more, I now need to recognise when I am doing it (I really had no idea that I had forgiven them)
2) God is changing me from the inside out in such a caring way that I haven't noticed it all, this is good in that I do not feel assaulted and forcefully moulded but it also means that I need to concentrate more on God and His plans for me.

My car got vandalised - so what?? My heart is being repaired. Praise the Lord!!

The more I know of God........

2008-06-09T10:21:00.002+01:00

The more I know of God, the more I love Him
The more I know of God, the more I thank Him
The more I know of God, the more outstanding He is
The more I know of God, the more I yearn to know

The more I know of God, the less I want to hate
The more I know of God, the less I want to sin
The more I know of God, the less I want to lead my own life
The more I know of God, the less I want to hurt

The more I know of God, the more I want to follow Him
The more I know of God, the more I want to read His word
The more I know of God, the more I want to be in His glory
The more I know of God, the more I want to be the me He wants me to be

Coincidence?? I'm not so sure...

2008-06-08T14:47:00.002+01:00

If you have not yet grasped this fact...I'm very much consumed with the idea of grace and forgiveness at the moment, mainly because i have a lot of forgiving to do and also because I now have an understanding of grace and so feel compelled to try and live life in God's grace (which I think I might be failing to do at present...more on that later). Anyhoo, bearing this in mind, I rocked up to Church this morning only to find out that the sermon was on Grace and, in part, it link with forgiveness (!!). I'm not sure if this is true for any other believer - please let me know if it is - but since I have actively tried to put my life into God's hands I have recieved coincidence after coincidence...until it's become a little freaky.

The service was good, I think it's exactly what i needed to hear today because once again I am struggling with unforgiveness and bitterness. I have found that understanding Grace is not enough - we have to live it and in order to live it we have to constantly remind ourselves of God's grace. This is an impossible feat if we do not realise that we cannot do it without God, without asking for His help, without praying for guidance and without surrendering our need to control our own lives to Him.

When I struggle with the thought of Grace it's not the idea that it is freely given to all that I stumble on the most, it's the idea that it is freely given to ME. My biggest hurdle to faith was and still is in part my own lack of self worth that manifests itself in my inability to accept that God would want to save me. I know that He can, but the doubts in my head and the voices from the past constantly ask me 'Why would God want to save you? What's so special about you? Do you think you deserve it?' The reality of it is that no one deserves Grace, it is God's gift. It doesn't make me special to recieve it, it doesn't make me better than the unbeliever that has no idea about Grace, it simply makes me want to share the joy with others in any way I can.

As a simpleminded person, I find it easier to understand complex concepts via things like music, so in an attempt to show you how my mind works, when I need reminding of what grace means I listen to this, hope you like it :) :

Futher to my post on forgiving myself....

2008-06-07T15:44:00.001+01:00

The only answer I can see to the question is to lay myself before God and to ask Him to help me. I also don't think it is going to be something that I do once and then sit back and live a happier life - it will be something that I will have to ask God to help me with every day, and at the start I would guess every minute. It will have to be an act of will to wish God's grace for those who have wronged me (i include myself in this rather bizzarely) and then hopefully it will, in time, become a subconscious will.

The road to forgiveness will be a long and challenging one but it is one that I hope to travel so that I can live the life that I believe God wants for me.

Forgiving myself

2008-06-06T14:48:00.001+01:00

Forgiveness will be a running theme for a while I fear. It is the one issue that is foremost in my mind when I think about God and my faith. I know that I cannot be saved if I have not forgiven. I want to be saved so the logical argument goes that I should forgive.
If I want to forgive others then I have to forgive myself. As long as I blame myself, I do not understand forgiveness enough to extend it to others. People have told me I have nothing to be forgiven for in regard to a certain situation, if this is the case and I can't forgive myself, then how am I ever going to forgive the person(s) who, according to the same people were to blame?
Next question how on earth does a person begin to forgive themselves? Do you have a conversation with yourself? I could do with a bit of help on this one I think...any ideas?

Acceptance

2008-06-06T14:30:00.000+01:00

I have been attending a church for about three months now, it is a small community church of about 50 adults and nearly as many children(!!). I am an active member in that I try to be involved with as many projects and meetings etc that I can. I enjoy the companionship and support of the people I have been so fortunate to meet and make friends with. I enjoy being a part of a family of believers who seem genuinely pleased to see each other and to help each other when they need it, be that a chat and a coffee or laying a patio. Which gets me to the point of this post - the weirdest thing about church (which is a quite a long list as I was brought up in a traditional Methodist church and evangelical churches are SO very different in their approach) is the fact that these people, from all walks of life and levels and longevity of faith, have just accepted me into their family without question.
I understand why they have done this biblically speaking, as the Bible states that we are all the creation of God and thus we are all a part of a huge global family. If I thought that the only reason these people spoke to me was because the Bible told them to then it would take some of the shine off of it because it would essentially be an academic exercise in trying to please Jesus and would have little to do with me. However, the members of the church go out of their way to include me, talk to me and view me as one of them. I find this hard to accept because I do not feel worthy of their love or their acceptance but I think that shows more about my view of myself than it does about anything else.

How much do I love God?

2008-06-06T14:02:00.000+01:00

With everything that I am...is my first response to the question but having been struck by a quote, it's really got me thinking.....

'I really only love God as much as I love the person I love least'

(Dorothy Day)

If I am the new believer that i credit myself with being then I have to love God as much as I can, I have to do whatever I can to remain in His glory and grace, not because I HAVE to but because I WANT to. This quote says to me that if I have murderous hatred for another human then I have murderous hatred for God. That's quite powerful and very scary.

If it is true then at this moment in time I do not even love God - I hate Him vehemently. This is definitely an area that I need to work on. I think forgiving someone is now possible for me, something I once felt was beyond my capabilities - so I am making progress in some ways. I guess I have to believe in God to continue changing me from the inside - removing my many stains of sin.

Grace is...

2008-06-06T13:37:00.000+01:00

'A gift that costs everything for the giver and nothing for the recipient'

'Does not depend on what we have done for God but rather what God has done for us'

'A humble awareness that God has already forgiven us a debt so mountainous that besides it any persons' wrongs against us shrink to the size of anthills'

'God loves people because of who God is, not because of who we are'

'There is nothing we can do to make God love us more. There is nothing we can do to make God love us less'

These are quotes from Phillip Yancey's book 'What's So Amazing About Grace?' that struck me as interesting and challenging. As a new believer I have accepted that Jesus died for me and in doing so allowed me to be saved from my own sinfulness - to be given a chance, where I didn't deserve it. However, these quotes are quite stark in their urge that now that we have accepted that fact, we have to act upon it. As Jesus illustrated in the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matt 18:23-35), one of the things God calls us to do is to extend the gift of Grace He has given us to others, we are not perfect and so cannot expect perfection from others who are the same as us, even of they have committed acts and sins that we would never consider doing.
This makes me feel both hopeful and anxious. Hopeful because it means that there is a way that humanity can mend itself from the violence and selfishness that is so often displayed throughout the world and in our own lives. It also means that there is a chance that I can recover my heart and soul from the stone of hatred and fear that it is currently behind. However, it makes me anxious because these quotes remind me how little progress I have made in this area. I am thankful for what God has done for me but i'm not sure how, or if I even want, to extend that to others. Yet I know that I cannot have all that God has promised if I do not................

Grace=Forgiveness - an awesome yet entirely strange concept

2008-06-06T10:04:00.000+01:00

The whole idea of God's Grace is a strange one. Grace states that we are all sinful and yet God will forgive us if we ask - even though we do not deserve it. It follows then that if God forgives us then we have very little right not to forgive others - passing the judgement and the weight to God; the ultimate judge.
This is the sort of thing I have read about in textbooks for years - I even teach about it(!!) sometimes and yet I have never really, truely understood it. It took some time and many an analogy from my Pastor to get it but when I did it was a PHYSICAL feeling of recognition. No so much a EUREKA! moment but a realisation of the weight that I am carrying on my back through my unforgiveness. I feel like the person I have not forgiven is still there clinging on to my back, through everything that I do I am carrying the hatred and it's suffocating me.
The idea that I can get rid of that makes me feel lighter and happier than I thought possible - but it is only a fleeting feeling - something I can't grab. As Michael Jackson once wrote in his song 'Gone too Soon' it's like 'a castle built upon a sandy beach...here one day, gone one night'.
So i guess that this is a glimpse of the feeling that all these people at Church are harping on about. I guess this is the feeling of the Holy Spirit at work in my heart.
So here's the clincher...I figure that in order to live in this light - in God's light then I must have to do something positive, CHOOSE to forgive and actively pray for His help everyday because I'm not sure that all of e wants to forgive. I've got to invite God into my life...and actually let Him take the wheel................Cue feelings of fear and joy. A strange feeling